Discoveries

Time to Move

2012-01-31T11:23:00.005-05:00

The plan for yesterday was to go to the gym and get in a few miles on the treadmill right after work. Well, “right after work” is a horrible time to go to the gym because everyone in the neighborhood has the same idea. Sometimes I get lucky. Yesterday was not one of those days. Every single treadmill, bike, elliptical machine … everything was taken. I sat in the parking lot for ten minutes watching to see if something would free up but nothing.

I had an idea. There is another branch of my gym not too far from where I live – maybe 15 minutes – so I decided to head over there to check out the availability. I was hopeful but when I arrived I wasn’t surprised to find the same situation.

As I drove home, I tried to figure out my next move. I was dressed and ready to work out. I was going to work out. I got home a little after six, made some dinner and turned on Netflix to watch Rescue Me (my new addiction) and started to think. The advantage of belonging to a 24-hour gym is that I can go whenever I feel like it. So I decided that I would head back over to the gym after 8:00, when most of the people have cleared out.

And that is exactly what I did. I was determined to get my miles in. I’m discovering that I have to stop being so regimented in everything that I do. I have got to be more flexible. If I can’t run outside, I don’t run. If I can’t get to the gym at a certain time, I don’t go. That way of thinking has gotten me nowhere. One of the ladies in my running group logged over 100 miles in the month of January. I only did 48. And she has a young child that she sometimes brings to the trail that she pushes in a stroller while she runs. That is determination. There is another woman who is as fit as I would like to be one day. She wins fitness competitions, runs a 9-minute mile and her body is amazing. Well, she didn’t get that way by slacking. She works at it every single day. I admire these women so much. I have absolutely no excuse. No more excuses and no more complaining. It’s time to move.

What is it they say about "time" and "wounds"?

2012-01-27T11:46:00.003-05:00

I pulled into the driveway yesterday after work only to find my ex-husband pulling up at the same time with our daughter in tow. He has a habit of popping in without warning and I’ve learned to not let it bother me.

He gets out of his car and greets me with, “Hey Beautiful!”

We’ve been divorced for 10 years and I’m amazed that we can go from complete and utter hatred for each other to “Hey Beautiful!”

I’m not sure when the change occurred. It was definitely a gradual shift. I guess I decided to stop being bitter and he decided to stop being completely full of sh*t.

I wouldn’t say that we are friends exactly. I’ll say we understand each other more than we ever have and leave it at that. Our daughter is graduating high school this summer and after that, I really can’t think of a reason for us to ever communicate. Until her college graduation. Then her wedding.

Time is an amazing thing. It really does allow for healing and forgiveness. It gives us distance and allows us to view circumstances more objectively.
If you are in the midst of a challenging situation … just give it some time.

Peaks and Valleys

2012-01-26T11:37:00.001-05:00

Ever since last week I’ve been feeling off my game. I think it all started when I realized I was shaped like a pear. I’m okay now but I find it interesting that one glimpse of myself at a bad angle had the power to knock me out for almost a week. I was researching personal trainers yesterday. Then I thought about it and decided that I really need to get over myself. I’m knocking on 50’s door and I look good. And I don't mean "good for someone who is almost 50" I mean, "GOOD".

So, I’m back to feeling good again.

The Dinner Dilemma

2012-01-23T14:28:00.003-05:00

I know how to cook for three people. What I don’t know how to do is cook for two people and make it feed three people.

Two weeks ago I made steaks for dinner. One for me and one for the Princess. I gave up a long time ago depending on the Prince to join us because he almost never does. Well, as luck would have it, he was in for the night and gave me the side-eye because I told him I only bought two steaks.

“Why did you only buy two steaks?” he asked

“Because you’re never here.”

We went back and forth on that issue for a while as he was trying to convince me that he’s been home a lot more lately.

Anyway, fast forward to last week when I bought three steaks.

He walks in the door and I let him know that I made him a steak and he proceeds to inform me that “he’s not really into red meat anymore”.

“Huh? Then why did you give me a hard time last week because I didn’t make you a steak?”

“That was last week. I’ve decided to lay off the red meat.”

To top it off, the Princess barely touched her dinner.

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked as I looked at her plate.

“Ma, you make steak every week and I’m growing tired of it.”

That was enough for me. I am so over trying to plan meals for those two. They can eat hot dogs and cereal for all I care.

I usually try to make a nice Sunday dinner. Last night I cooked with ME in mind: I sautéed onions, green pepper and asparagus in some olive oil; added some diced tomatoes and served it with chicken breast. It was delicious. He wasn’t home and she took a chicken breast and fried it for herself.

Everyone was happy. Especially me.

I'm a Pear

2012-01-19T09:29:00.006-05:00

I took a really good look at my naked image in the mirror last night and I have come to the realization that I am a pear.

A pear.

Pears are okay. Not my favorite fruit but they’ll do in a pinch. But I think I’d rather be an hourglass.

I've spent the last year running for better cardiovascular health, and I've increased my endurance and I just feel better ... but in the process I have turned myself in to a pear.

I have work to do. This year I have got to incorporate consistent strength training into my fitness regimen and I have got to be more diligent about my diet.

I've been convincing myself that as long as I don't gain weight than I'm okay. And that's true, I've been the same weight for the last year. I've lost inches in my waist and found them in my butt and thighs and yet the scale never moves.

I don't look bad but I want my shape to be more balanced. The goal is to strengthen my upper body and core, which, by the way, will improve my speed. I have got to do this. I do not want to pay for a trainer but I'm not sure I can accomplish this on my own. On the other hand, I trained alone for my first race and was successful. I can do this if I would only get serious about it.

Maybe if I put pictures of pears all over my house I would get motivated.

Don't Fight It

2012-01-17T09:06:00.004-05:00

I read somewhere that the thing that you fight hardest against is the thing that seems to grow larger in your life and seems to never go away. Or something like that. In other words, the more energy you exert fighting something, the more the thing fights back.

In any case, you all know how I feel about business travel. Not one of my favorite things in the world to do. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I hate it. Every time my manager would mention that I had to go somewhere I would make a face and cringe on the inside. It always brought back memories of the days when I had to travel to Cambridge 2 days out of the week every week for almost three months. My kids were 12 and 16 then and leaving them for those 2 days and nights gave me anxiety attacks. Now they are older and not really a factor, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Early last year, I had to make a trip to S. Carolina to give a 5 minute presentation. I had to take two planes there and two planes back just to sit in a conference room and give a 5 minute presentation. Don’t ask me why I couldn’t have done it over the phone. These meetings were scheduled for once a quarter and it just really upset me that so much time and money was being wasted and I wasn’t quiet about it. It was driving me crazy. I was able to get out of the next meeting but I couldn’t escape the November meeting.

Since there was no escaping it I decided to stop fighting it. I was tired of being upset. I knew that if I couldn’t change it there was no point in being upset. I had to go. So, I put my attitude to the side and consciously made a decision to enjoy the trip. I still wasn’t thrilled about it but I wasn’t going to be upset anymore. During the November trip I discovered a huge outlet mall right near the office. Jackpot! In addition to the 5 minute presentation, I also attended an awards ceremony and an open house. The time was well spent.

I came home, not looking forward to the next trip but not dreading it either.

Fast forward to yesterday … I’m having a conversation with my manager and he informs me that it won’t be necessary for me to make any more trips to SC. Why? Because one of my colleagues is getting married and moving there and will be the resident Administrator in our SC office.

Ain’t love grand?

I find it fascinating that the minute I changed my attitude and decided to stop fighting these trips, I no longer had to take them. I never asked God to fix it so I wouldn’t have to travel, I accepted what was and kept it moving. But God knew my heart and gave me exactly what I wanted as soon as I stopped fighting. The Bible says in Ephesians 6:5-8:

Servants, respectfully obey your earthly masters but always with an eye to obeying the real master, Christ. Don't just do what you have to do to get by, but work heartily, as Christ's servants doing what God wants you to do. And work with a smile on your face, always keeping in mind that no matter who happens to be giving the orders, you're really serving God. Good work will get you good pay from the Master, regardless of whether you are slave or free. (The Message)

The way I see it, a good attitude will always get you further than a bad one.

Happy Birthday To You

2012-01-16T08:43:00.002-05:00

It's All Still New

2012-01-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

It’s funny how after 10 months, running still seems so new to me. I like that. I attribute the feeling of newness to the fact that I’m continually thinking of ways to improve. Ways to go faster, go longer distances. For instance, I made the decision in 2012 to make all my short runs at least 3 miles.

Today I ran 6 miles and it was 35 degrees outside. Yesterday, I ran 4.5 miles and it was 27 degrees. I still don’t understand why I drag myself out of my bed when it’s freezing outside just to run. And it’s not because of the “runner’s high”. Everyone talks about the runner’s high but what they don’t tell you is that you don’t actually feel it until after the run is complete. I thought I would feel it while I was running and it would push me to keep going. Um no.

I don’t know why I do it but I do and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship.

I’m finding that I’ve had to make many transitions while on this runner’s journey. Currently, I’m dealing with how to dress for really cold temperatures. Keeping my ears and hands warm is key as well as dressing in layers. Usually it takes about a half mile for my body to warm up. Today my thighs felt cold for a mile and a half. I also started to get really tired after mile 3 but once I hit mile 5 I began to get a second wind and started to speed up. Weird.

In March I’ll be celebrating one year as a runner by running my first 8k. The goal is to finish in less than an hour.

Will Slow and Steady Win the Race?

2012-01-12T09:33:00.003-05:00

About two years ago I created a vision board. It was virtual at first and I posted it here.

And then I later downloaded the pictures and made an actual board. For those of you who don’t feel like clicking over, the board contained 5 things:

*own a little bookstore
*be as fit as any fitness competitor
*visit Italy
*own a home on the beach
*be a successful food writer

I took that board down at the beginning of 2012 and I’m going back and forth about how I feel about it. I mean, I still want all those things but because I’m not actively doing anything to reach those goals, I feel like the board is laughing at me every time I walk by it. My board was making a mockery of me. So I took it down.

I refuse to sit here and make excuses for myself as to why I haven’t done anything to pursue my goals.

I will say this though: I will not count myself out. My best years are ahead of me. Two years is a relatively short period of time and when I created the board I think I actually believed that I could accomplish it all within that timeframe. Now that I think about it, the only way I would have accomplished all five of those things would be if I was given two years to live.

Time is an interesting thing. Sometimes I believe I have plenty of it and then there are moments when it feels like it is just passing me by.

I’ve spent the past two years getting over a breakup. That’s my truth. I haven’t done too much of anything else. All my running has really helped in that area … and I look really good so that’s a plus. But now that I’ve moved forward it is really time to focus. I still want the store and the great body and the house on the beach. I’ll be in Italy before I say goodbye to 2014 and writing about food will always be something that I do. Have you even seen my food blog? Check it out here.

Anyway, the board remains in my head … actually it’s sitting on the dining room table right now because I don’t want to toss it but I don’t want to put it back up either. In its place, I have a few messages for myself that I’d like to share with you:

Changing your life is a journey
You are an excellent woman
All you need is love

Have a wonderful day!

2011 Year End Report

2012-01-10T08:17:00.004-05:00

It was in March 2011 that I actually considered myself a runner. After all, I had the $100 shoes to prove it.

In June I began to track my workouts on the daily mile. I just received my year end report of how I did in 2011:

Ran a total of 281 miles

Averaged about 10 miles a week

96 workouts

12 lbs burned - I find this stat interesting because my scale tells a much different story.

Ran competitively 4 times in June, July, August and December.

Here is the breakdown by month:

June - 16 miles
July - 48 miles
August - 41 miles
September - 36 miles
October - 48 miles
November - 43 miles
December - 49 miles

Last year I averaged about 40 miles a month. I have to more than double that this year if I want to reach the goal of 1,212 miles in 2012. Impossible? Probably. But I can guarantee this: I will more than double the miles for the year. That's something, isn't it?

Run Your Own Race

2012-01-08T18:33:00.003-05:00

Every lesson I learn from running I an apply to my everyday life. I love that. Today's lesson?

Run your own race. Run your own pace.

Whenever I'm on the trail and someone passes me (which is pretty often) I have to remind myself that I have to run my race. I cannot run someone else's race and they cannot run mine. In other words, my life is mine and their life is theirs.

Whenever we compare ourselves to others we always seem to come up short. For whatever reason, we think that we have to measure up to some unrealistic standard that is set by God knows who.

Knock it off.

Today I ran 5 miles in an hour and three minutes. I know a woman who runs 10 miles in an hour. She's awesome. I also know a woman who can't run 5 miles. She's awesome too. And so am I.

Run your race.
Stay on course.
Celebrate when you get to the finish line.

Be Strong and Go Get It!

2012-01-03T08:49:00.004-05:00

The New Year’s sermon came from the first chapter of Joshua, the first nine verses. God is telling Joshua that he has to take over for Moses and lead the people into the Promised Land. He tells him to be strong and courageous. In fact, in these nine verses he tells him three separate times to be strong and courageous (verses 6, 7 and 9, King James version). Why do you think God told Joshua three separate times to be strong and courageous?

My feeling is that God simply wanted to remind Joshua that even though the task in front of him was not going to be easy, he had to be courageous. God also told Joshua that no matter what He would be with him. God told Joshua that the land was his he just had to be strong and go get it.

Be strong and go get it!

I love this story because it is a reminder to me that what God has promised me is already mine, I just have to be strong and go get it. Not once in those nine verses did God tell Joshua that the task in front of him would be easy. Not once. He told him that He would give him the land; He told him that he would never leave him or forsake him; he told him to be strong and courageous. The rest was up to Joshua.

I saw the promo for the movie “We Bought a Zoo” and one of the tag lines is: All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage (or something like that) and I’m telling you, that has been my mantra ever since I heard it and I share it with anyone that is struggling to make that first step.

Think about it … 20 seconds of insane courage. Once you take that first courageous step the rest is easy. Well, maybe not easy, but you are certainly on your way. I think back to March 2011 when I had 20 seconds of insane courage and I registered to run my first 5k when I had never even run outside before. What was I thinking? But once I registered and spent my money, I was committed. I trained and ran my race. All because I had 20 seconds of insane courage.

Think about what you will accomplish because of your 20 seconds of insane courage.

Take the step.

Be strong and go get it!

Happy New Year

2012-01-02T10:28:00.003-05:00

It's the first Monday of the new year and my last day off. I got up early this morning to start my daughter's FAFSA form. I'll have to finish it tomorrow. I plan to go for a run with BGR! this afternoon at 4:00 and after that the kids and I are going to see a movie. There's a place across the bay that my son has been dying to take me to, so today is the day.

If you watched my last video, you know that I have high expectations for 2012. I can't remember a year when my expectations were this high. I feel like a big ball of energy.

New Year's Eve was interesting. Both of the kids had plans and I didn't expect to see either one of them until the next morning. I had an invitation but decided to decline at the last minute. I just wanted to chill at home. At midnight I thanked God for the new year and prayed for the safety of both my children. To my surprise and delight, they both were home before 1:00 am. God knows exactly what I need when I need it.

Make a decision to enjoy this year. Make a decision to let go of the past and be grateful that you have this chance to start again.

Look ahead.
Move forward.
Stay focused.

What I'm Reading - The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories Volume I

2011-12-29T09:23:00.004-05:00

From Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his immensely popular open collaborative production company, hitRECord, comes the first in the new three-book series, The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories: Volume I (It Books, an imprint of Harper Collins Publishers)

To create The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories, Joseph Gordon-Levitt--known within the hitRECord.org community as RegularJOE--directs thousands of collaborators to tell tiny stories through words and art. With the help of the entire creative collective, Joe culls, edits and curates the massive numbers of contributions into this finely tuned collection. Reminiscent of the 6-Word Memoir series and the PostSecret books, The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories brings together art and voices from around the world to unite and tell stories that defy size.

I’ll let him tell you more about it …

I’ve read this tiny book of tiny stories a couple of times now and I find it fascinating. It is filled with these awesome little nuggets that are incredibly powerful. They make you think. The stories include amazing illustrations that just grab you and pull you in.

The back cover says: the world is not made of atoms; it’s made of tiny stories.

How true is that? Look back over your life for a few minutes … and think of all the tiny stories that brought you to where you currently are. Tiny, powerful stories.

I’ve been a fan of Joseph Gordon-Levitt for a while, even before I really knew his name. I remember him from episodes of Roseanne and Third Rock from the Sun. I loved his characters in (500) Days of Summer and Inception. I have to say though, after checking out www.hitrecord.org , I like him even more. He is opening doors and providing opportunities to artists all over the world. Artists, who might be overlooked by others, now have a voice. What could be cooler than that?

I encourage you to check out the site. Get involved. Tell your tiny story and see what kind of an impact it could make.

Here are a few of my favorite stories from the book:

One day before breakfast, an orange rolled off the counter and escaped its fate, bounding happily through the kitchen door. Filled with hope, the egg followed.

One night your walls will disappear and all the things you held so dear will float away inaudibly.

A man touched me: his hand … my thigh. I touched him too: my fist … his jaw.

If I read our story backwards, it’s about how I un-broke your heart, and then we were happy until one day, you forgot me forever.

All You Need is ...

2011-12-26T20:22:00.002-05:00

Christmas is over and the new year approaches and I’ve been thinking about my word for 2012. My word for 2011 was “restoration” and now that it is December I can honestly say that it was the right choice. 2010 was definitely the year for healing. After the healing, it was time to be restored.

I have to admit that when I started to think about this I had to ask myself and answer myself honestly, “Have I been restored?” I thought long and hard about the answer and the only thing I could come up with was furniture restoration. I thought about that process. When a piece of old, beat up furniture is being restored it first has to be completely stripped and brought to its barest, most raw state before the restoration process can begin.

Yeah, I think that pretty well sums up my 2011. I felt old and beat up at the beginning of the year and through this process I now feel all shiny and new. I was stripped bare and I have been restored. Through much prayer, much faith and much belief I have been restored … not to my old self … but to a better version of myself. I’m happier. I smile more easily. I am much more patient and relaxed.

So what’s the word for 2012? What comes after restoration?

I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to love. Not just in the romantic sense but I’m ready to let my guard down and open myself up to new relationships. After a certain number of years of being hurt by people I have built a pretty sturdy wall around myself. What I have discovered is that my wall not only kept me from getting hurt, but it kept me from being loved. It kept me from really showing love to others.

Love is the thing. I miss it. I miss intimacy. I miss the connection.

So the word for 2012 is simply, LOVE. Being brave enough to give it and being open enough to receive it.

Year in Review - 2011 Discoveries

2011-12-21T21:00:00.001-05:00

I wanted to do a really cool end-of-the-year post, but I’m not really cool. Nor do I have the time to sit and think of something really creative. So, I’m just going to sit here and see what leaves my mind and flows through the fingers.

2011 was a good year. It had its ups and downs but I feel like I learned so much. Here a few of the lessons:

I do quite well on my own - This has been the longest period of time that I have ever been single and I have discovered that being single is not equivalent to a death sentence.

It’s actually okay to be friends with my children - It wasn’t the plan but it’s turned out that way and I have discovered that I live with two of the coolest people on the planet.

I really can’t control everything all the time - Why did I ever want to? Letting go and learning acceptance has given me an awesome amount of peace.

I’m a runner - Who knew? 4-5ks in six months. I love love love it. But I guess you knew that.

Life does go on after devastating loss - After my father’s funeral I couldn’t believe that the sun still came up. I’d see people washing windows or walking their dogs or shopping and I just wanted to scream, “Don’t you know that my father is dead?!” I thought everything should stop, but it didn’t.

I can control my emotions - Thank God. Literally. This was huge for me. All my life I’ve made decisions based on my emotions. Major life decisions. Crazy, I tell you. Not anymore. I’m calm. I’m peaceful. I’m smarter.

I can be content while I’m waiting for the “next thing” - I am content. I am not anxious for anything. I feel very strongly that God is working something out for me and when He is ready to reveal it, I’ll be ready to receive it. But until then … I’m good.

What have you learned in 2011? What are you looking forward to for 2012?

My prayer for you is that you will have peace in all that you do. Merry Christmas!

Memba This?

2011-12-21T15:37:00.001-05:00

What I'm Reading

2011-12-18T12:53:00.004-05:00

Available here

This book seeks to go beyond existing public polls regarding Barack Obama, and instead offers a comprehensive treatment of public perceptions that resist mass generalizations based on race, gender, age, political affiliation, or geographical location. Drawing from a large national qualitative data set generated by 333 diverse participants from twelve different states across six U.S. regions, Mark P. Orbe offers a comprehensive look into public perceptions of Barack Obama's communication style, race matters, and the role of the media in 21st century politics. Communication Realities in a "Post-Racial" Society: What the U.S. Public Really Thinks about Barack Obama is the first of its kind in that it uses the voices of everyday U.S. Americans to advance our understanding of how identity politics influence public perceptions.

Inspiration

2011-12-16T13:22:00.004-05:00

I posted this on FB but also wanted to share it here because I find it amazing. You know how you just go about your business, living your life? You try to do the right thing, treat people the way you want to be treated … you know, just doing you. Well, what you may not realize is that in your quest to just do you, you are making an impact on someone else’s life. Someone is always watching.

This morning before 8:30 am, I was told that I was “amazing”, “awesome”, “remarkable” and “an inspiration”. This came from three different people who do not know each other.

Huh? What? Who in the world are these people talking about?

Seriously, I was overwhelmed and confused.

I’m no one special and I don’t do anything special. I’m just trying to do me.
I have wonderful people in my life and I am so blessed. I recognize my blessings every day and every day before I even get out of the bed, I am thanking God for all He’s done and for all that he is doing in my life.

Inspiration is a funny thing because it can come from anywhere or from anyone.

Here’s hoping you have a wonderfully, inspiring weekend!

Home Sweet Home

2011-12-12T19:49:00.001-05:00

Why, I wonder, do Monday’s always have to be such a challenge?

Was it always this way? I can’t remember.

Today was no different. It was one thing after another. I believe in doing things correctly the first time. I am not a fan of re-work. I believe in getting things done ahead of time instead of waiting until the last minute. Today I discovered that sometimes waiting can have its advantages. I had a deadline to submit 17 proposals by the 14th. All 17 are in different stages of completion. Several have been submitted. Today a truckload of extensions were issued with changes … which means that everything that has been done has to be redone to take into account the changes.

That was my day.

I arrive at work in the morning at 7:30 and I usually leave at 4:30. Today a meeting was scheduled at 5:00 in order to accommodate my west coast colleagues. I left the office at 5:45.

I had to stop by Walgreens to pick up a Silly Santa gift for tomorrow’s Christmas fellowship. I also had to place an order for spring rolls for the same fellowship. At this point, I was in no mood to cook so I ordered some takeout for my daughter and me.

It’s been a long day. On the way home from picking up the takeout the traffic was diverted because of an accident. I’m thinking to myself … I just want to get home.

For me, home has always been defined as a place of comfort, peace and most of all safety. I have never been in a situation where I just had to get out of the house. I don’t recall there ever being a time where I didn’t want to go home. If there ever was a time when my home wasn’t peaceful, I made certain changes to make it so. If you cannot find peace in your home then where will you find it? A peaceful environment is what I wanted to create for my children and I believe I have succeeded at that. I love being home.

When I pulled up at 6:45 and the outside light was on, I smiled. I came in the door and took off my boots and my daughter gave me a big hug and I smiled.

I have known people who would like to be anywhere else except in their own home. That makes me sad. My home is my safe haven. Whenever I feel beat up by the world, I know I can come here and exhale.

If you have a home that welcomes you at the end the day, be thankful.

All's Well That Ends Well

2011-12-11T14:53:00.003-05:00

I cannot believe how busy I was last week. It seemed that every moment was filled with some kind of activity. Forget about the increased workload at the 9 to 5, but all the activities that took place after 5 ... it just seemed overwhelming.

On Monday, I forced myself to run a few miles on the treadmill because I missed my normal Sunday long run. On Tuesday I had a life group meeting. On Wednesday, I agreed to have some photos taken for a friend's website. She's starting an earring line and asked me to participate. Which was really flattering because she's 28 and a real model ... and I'm ... well ... I'm no model. On Thursday, I headed back to the treadmill for a few more miles. On Friday I did the grocery shopping. On Saturday I got up at the crack of dawn to run a 5k (best time ever!), came home and put up the Christmas tree with the Princess then she had the bright idea that we should make s'mores. Huh? I don't think I ever made s'mores before ... I had the fire going in the fireplace, so why not? They were okay. Then on Saturday night I had to work the information desk at church.

Which brings us to today ... I got up early and ran 4.5 miles, came home, showered and did the hair and nails, put some country ribs in the crockpot and I've been posted up on the couch ever since.

I was thinking about doing some Christmas shopping today but for real, you couldn't pay me to leave this house. It was a struggle to get off the couch and write this post.

Well, another movie is about to come on, so I'm out. Hope you are enjoying your Sunday as much as I'm enjoying mine.

Waiting on the Tarmac

2011-12-01T17:33:00.003-05:00

The thing that irritates me the most about air travel (besides the ridiculous prices) is the uncertainty of it all. You buy your ticket and then you are in the hands of the airline, the airport and the dreaded TSA. Will my flight leave on time? Will I make my connecting flight? Will someone be in my seat? What zone am I in, again?

For a person like me, who prefers to be in control of every single situation this can be very trying. I’m learning, as I get older, to just let it go. I’ll get there when I get there. There is truly no point in getting my panties all in a bunch about a situation that I have absolutely no control over.

Have you ever had to wait on the tarmac? Picture this: You get to the airport two hours ahead of time because that is what they say you should do. You return your rental car and breeze though TSA without having to get patted down. You check the big boards to check your departure gate and make sure that you are still leaving on time. So far, so good. You get to your gate in plenty of time to read, relax, listen to music or just people watch. Finally, your flight is called and you are boarding. You are on the plane, your carry-on is secure in the overhead bin and you are seated in your aisle seat.

Then … nothing.

For whatever reason, the plane is not moving. You are stuck in this tube and you can’t get off and no one is telling you anything. All you can do is sit and wait.

Has this ever happened to you? Sucks, right? It happened to me a few years ago when I was coming back from Connecticut. The delay was weather-related and what I didn’t understand was why they had us board in the first place. It was awful. We sat for probably an hour, maybe longer which caused me to miss my connecting flight. So once I got to Pittsburgh (I think it was Pittsburgh) I had to find a flight back home to VA. I found a flight but I had to sit in this airport for six hours. Yes, six hours. And I had to call my (then) BF and have him go pick up my car from Newport News and move it to Norfolk. It was a mess.

I finally made it to my destination. I knew I would but I just had to take a few detours and endure the inconvenience.

Thinking about this experience had me thinking about the current state of my life. I mean, it’s December and the end of yet another year and I’m getting all reflective. I look back on 2011 and I see that the year has actually been pretty amazing. I started running and competed in 3 5ks and will finish the year with one more. I’m healthier and stronger. I’m really happy. But I know there’s something more.

I feel like I’m waiting on the tarmac. I’ve done everything that I can do in order to make the trip and reach the destination but I’m still waiting. Waiting for that next thing. The next career, the next relationship, the next … something.

When I ended my relationship with what’s-his-face back in February 2010 that was the equivalent to me packing for the trip. For the year after that I feel like I was returning the rental car, going through TSA and waiting at the gate. I was busy but not overly so. The next six months was boarding the plane and the anticipation was rising. Now, for the past four months I’ve been sitting on the tarmac ready to go but not able to. I don’t know what’s next. I know I’m going to reach my destination but I just don’t know when. And sometimes I think that because I am so content in my present circumstance maybe this is it. Maybe I’m here.

I don’t know. I feel like there is more but I can honestly say that if this is it I can be content, and anything extra will be the sweetest icing on the cake.

I Have to Say it Was a Good Day

2011-11-25T20:05:00.002-05:00

Admittedly, I was feeling a small amount of anxiety about the holiday. I like my comfort zone. After all, it is pretty comfortable. But stepping out of it was pretty cool too. We had the best time.

I got up early and started the day with a run, came home, showered and started chopping the veggies for the dish I was bringing to dinner. When I was told to show up at 1:00 pm, I kind of gave my hostess the side-eye in my mind. Then after I thought about, if I was having a ton of people at my house I'd want them to arrive early so they could leave early. Smart planning on her part.

We ate, we drank, we laughed and we even did a little karaoke. Yes, it was a good day.

Afterward, me the kids stopped at the red box and picked up some DVDs and camped out in the living room with some sweet potato pie and watched movies until about midnight.

You know, there are moments when I wish that I had a significant other to share holidays or my birthday with. Those moments come and go. I am truly thankful for the time that I spend with good friends and family. Those moments are special and I treasure them.

This was a wonderful Thanksgiving and I'm glad to be able to still refer to it as my favorite holiday.

Hope you're having a great day.

Thanksgiving - Part Deux

2011-11-22T11:21:00.003-05:00

The day approaches and it looks like everyone is going to get their way.

We'll be spending the day with my son's girlfriend's family. I'm bringing sweet potato pies and the seafood casserole.

The seafood casserole is my son's favorite and I agreed to make it.

My daughter wants collard greens. She's fearful that collard greens won't be on our host's table alongside the the lumpia and pansit. Even if they were, she has asked for my collard greens.

So, on Friday I am going to make sure my daughter gets her Thanksgiving. I'll make her a hen (or a turkey breast), cornbread and sausage dressing, macaroni and cheese and collard greens.

That kid is so spoiled.

And before you ask, "Who's fault is that?" I'm raising my hand. Besides, you all knew I wanted to cook anyway!

Happy Thanksgiving!

When You Know

2011-11-21T06:43:00.003-05:00

It was a beautiful weekend and it's going to be a short week. What's better than that? The only thing challenging about a short week is that every one tries to cram 5 days worth of work into 3. Why, people? Why?

Whatever, I'm not going to let them get to me. We can only do what we can do.

I got out on the trails on both Saturday and Sunday. Three miles on Saturday and five miles on Sunday. I also managed to sneak in a big salad. Yay me.

As many of you know I have been dealing with anemia for several years. In fact, I've probably dealt with it for my entire adult life. Anyway, it's become more of an issue lately and even though I have no symptoms of an anemic I started to worry. So what do we do when worry sets in? I don't know about you but I begin to self-diagnose and the diagnosis is never good. For whatever reason, my body just won't absorb the ridiculous amounts of iron that I put into it. Whether it's through my diet or supplements.

I became scared and I'm planning to see a specialist at the beginning of the year. My mind was telling me that I was sick. Really sick. At a recent prayer meeting I asked for prayer and you wouldn't believe (or maybe you would) the absolute peace that came over me. Ever since that night I haven't really thought about it. I haven't been back to webmd.com. I've stopped giving myself a death sentence.

I still may not know what is going on with me but I know the One who does.

TGIF

2011-11-18T14:33:00.002-05:00

It's been a good week. It was so filled with activities that I didn't make time to run all week long. I'll be back on the trails this weekend. And I ate like I was losing my mind: cheese steak, cupcakes, buffalo wings. Ugh. I know that no exercise + bad diet = me feeling guilty for about a week. Once you hop on the bad diet train it's hard to get off.

The cold weather doesn't help matters either. In the lower temperatures all I want is hot, comfort food, not cold salads.

I do plan to ramp up my workout schedule beginning on Thanksgiving and ending on New Year's Eve. That means working out everyday.

I went back to the orthopedist today for a follow-up appointment regarding my shoulder. I stopped taking the pain meds two days ago and for the most part, I'm fine. I still wake up with some soreness but as the day goes on it dissipates. The doctor has no idea why this happens and was sure to let me know that it is a recurring condition. Oh joy!

I have been tasked to make four sweet potato pies and a seafood casserole to bring to Thanksgiving dinner. And a couple bottles of wine. This will be the easiest Thanksgiving ever.

I have been slammed at work so I'm really looking forward to the upcoming short week.

Enjoy your weekend!

Relax, It's Just Hair

2011-11-16T18:45:00.003-05:00

I have seen everything. I just watched back-to-back episodes of Dr. Drew and the topic was African-American hair.

Really?

I have made it a point to never join in the conversation about Black hair because … it’s just hair. Is it really worth a conversation? Chris Rock seemed to think so. That made sense to me, but Dr. Drew? He looked like he really enjoyed being surrounded by so many beautiful sistahs.

Seriously, what is the big deal? Honestly, I do belong to a Black Hair Care forum (K.I.S.S.) but that is because I needed help with learning how to take care of my relaxed hair. I've been to many hair salons over the years but no one every taught me how to take care of my hair. The salons were good for styling but not hair care.

Here's my hair when I was a baby:

Today, my hair is relaxed and is shoulder length. I only relax my hair twice a year (June, December), I may use heat on my hair once a month and I wear protective styles 98% of the time. What does all this mean? Probably not much to most of you. I got my first relaxer when I was in fifth grade. It was picture day and my mom wanted me to have straight hair. That is how it started and here's the result of my first relaxer.

Here’s my thing: I’m relaxed and will always be relaxed. There is nothing wrong with natural hair and I see some of the natural-hair girls and I am like whoa! Natural hair is just beautiful. I just don’t think it would be cute on me. Actually, I just don’t have the patience to re-learn how to take care of my natural hair.

What I don’t appreciate is when some natural hair advocates characterize women with relaxers as being women full of self-hate. Making statements that the only reason we have relaxers is because we are trying to be “white”; that we’re selling out. That bugs me because no one loves me more than I love me. There is no hate over here. I have to do what is best for me. I prefer my hair to be relaxed. Period.

There was a short period of time when I wore braids, weave … I’ve done it all and I’ve found that relaxers work best for me.

You do you and I’ll do me. Why the debate? We’re all beautiful and all different. And what is wrong with that?

The Bright Side

2011-11-16T10:57:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking and the up side to me not having to cook on Thanksgiving is that I won't have a ton of food in my house over the long weekend. Which means I won't overeat, which means I will not gain any unnecessary lbs. Can't beat that.

Always looking for the bright side.

Gifts

2011-11-15T13:00:00.002-05:00

I need some ideas for Christmas gifts.

The Prince wants cash.

The Princess wants a car.

And then there's my Mom and siblings ...

I don't think I've ever thought about Christmas this early before.

What is your Christmas shopping plan?

Do We Ever?

2011-11-13T18:29:00.001-05:00

Can we ever get to the point where we are 100% satisfied or does 80-20 always rule? Meaning that I will only ever get 80% of the things that I want out of life. 80% is a lot. Is wanting the whole enchilada just being greedy?

I mean there are so many positive things going on right now. I feel fantastic more than 80% of the time. I think I’m probably bordering on 95%. But there is part of me that is still longing, still searching.

What is that about? How do we learn to just be satisfied with all the positive stuff and live our lives? I don’t dwell on the things I don’t have but every now and then they creep in.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. This was once categorized as my favorite holiday. I would plan for weeks, cook for days and spend the day with my man and my family and just be thankful. This year I’m not even cooking. Well, not a full meal. I’m making a dish and some dessert and spending the day with friends. I appreciate the invitation and I’m sure it’ll be fun but it kinda makes me sad.

Things don’t always turn out how we plan. I understand and accept that. Wishing I had made better choices in my past doesn’t help matters. I know there’s a greater purpose and I have to be patient while it unfolds. All too often I find myself asking, “How much longer, Lord? How much longer?”

Brrrrrrrr!

2011-11-11T09:30:00.002-05:00

Here’s the thing … one of the reasons why moving from Connecticut to Virginia was so attractive is because of the warmer climate. Twenty-eight winters in CT was plenty and I was more than ready for a change. I do not like the cold weather and one day I may move to an even warmer climate. The warmer the better, I always say.

So it was a huge surprise to me when I accepted an invitation to run on the boardwalk last night. In the cold. At night. I like warmth. In fact, I was really concerned about how I would keep up with my running in the winter. I can’t stress to you enough how much I despise being cold. I don’t like being “chilly”. I think I need a sweater right now!

But last night I put on my layers and met three of my running buddies from Black Girls Run! on the boardwalk at the oceanfront for a three mile run. The wind was fighting us for a mile and a half but the last mile and a half it seemed to be at our backs. It was amazing.

I continue to surprise myself.

The truth is I just don’t want to gain weight. I suppose I could monitor my food intake ... but what fun is that? I want to run and running on a treadmill in the gym cannot compare to being outside. It just can’t. A friend of mine told me that when running outside as long as I keep my ears and fingers covered everything else will take care of itself. And it did.

Can’t wait for the next run on the boardwalk.

Just a Reminder

2011-11-07T08:04:00.002-05:00

The Best Thing I Ever Did

2011-11-06T17:03:00.005-05:00

If you've been reading me for a while you know that I make sure that I take time out for myself. I will never have the complaint that I don't have enough time for myself because I make the time.

Over the years I have given myself trips, spa weekends, facials, good food, good wine, pretty clothes and awesome shoes. I don't withhold good things from myself. You should try it some time.

By far the best thing that I have ever done for myself was to purchase these:

I ran my 5 miles today and while on the trail there was a woman wearing a Batman headband and every time we passed each other she would smile, give me a thumbs up and tell me, "Keep it up!" I know her encouragement allowed me to complete those 5 miles. It was amazing.

I posted the above experience on FB and one of my friends told me that he was proud of me because of how I had taken control of myself with my running.

He was able to verbalize what I had not been able to. I am in control of myself.

Ten years ago when I got divorced I lost control and engaged in some very self-destructive behavior. In February 2010 I ended another long-term relationship and instead of being destructive I took control and made my life better. Running has made my life better.

So while all the pretty, girly stuff is nice and I will never stop pampering myself, lacing up those running shoes and sweating like crazy on Sunday morning is truly the best thing I will ever do for myself.

And when I got home, I registered for the Shamrock 8k.

Mindset

2011-11-04T19:46:00.004-04:00

I want to run this 8k in March.

In 2011 I ran three 5k races. One in June, one in July and one in August. Each time I ran for a specific time and each time I missed the mark. I decided that I wouldn't run competitively anymore because I just put too much pressure on myself. It was exhausting.

So in order to run this race, I really have to change my mindset. I want to run this race because I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I can't be concerned with the numbers on the clock. I want to finish and I want to run the entire way. That was my goal for the first 5k ... I wanted to prove that I could do it the first time. After that I just wanted to beat my time.

I haven't registered for the race yet but I probably will after the weekend. I'm scheduled to run five miles on Sunday. I'll see how I feel after that and then I'll make a firm decision.

I so enjoy running. Even outside. Even in the lower temperatures. Who knew? Of course, it's only November. We'll see how I react to the lower temperatures in January.

Anyway, so what do you think? Should I register and run the Towne Bank 8k in March?

Great Post

2011-11-03T20:20:00.003-04:00

I wrote a great post earlier today. I wrote it in Word and I smiled when it was finished. It was all about shaking things up, trying new things and generally feeling good about where I am.

It was a great post.

Before I actually posted it I decided to take a break and run up to Tarjay for some running essentials. When I returned I discovered that the office had lost electricity and because I hadn't saved the post it was lost.

Lost forever.

It was a great post.

Brain Dump

2011-11-02T16:08:00.006-04:00

I think I have a sprained shoulder. I'm seeing an orthopaedic specialist on Friday to confirm. I am in pain and when I'm in physical pain, nothing in the world seems right.

I'm on pain meds with six bottles of wine in the house. #nodrinking

I actually enjoyed my latest trip to Charleston. I discovered the outlet mall and now the trips there won't seem like such a waste of time.

I received my annual assessment and a nice little increase. Can't complain about that!

Have you ever received something that you thought you wanted and then once you got it, you realized that you were better off without it? Yeah, that's where I am right now.

I think I may have pissed someone off last week. They'll be okay though. But seriously, when I say you won't speak to me any kinda way, I mean that ish.

You will not just speak to me any kinda way.

My son dyed his hair blonde. #boo

2011 is almost gone. What the hell?

I haven't run since Sunday and I'm going through withdrawals. I want to go tomorrow but I think I should wait until after my doctor's appointment. Not running is scary to me. Mainly because I haven't stopped eating.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back this weekend.

Just a Reminder

2011-10-27T10:58:00.002-04:00

That is all

Lost

2011-10-25T16:07:00.002-04:00

Someone asked me recently if I missed the feeling of getting lost in someone.

You know that feeling ... your every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of that person. When they are not around it's almost as if part of you is missing. Their smile brightens up your day. You feel like you can't exhale until you hear their voice.

Do I miss it?

Not
one
bit

I'm not cold or devoid of all human emotion but I've discovered that those feelings that I've described above are fleeting. My life is filled to the brim with those kinds of moments and yet I go to sleep at night and wake up each morning alone.

I want something concrete. Something that is going to last longer than just until the sweat dries.

I did a video about getting lost and subsequently going through the process of finding myself. I don't ever want to be lost again. I want to maintain who I am and be with someone who appreciates who I am and doesn't expect me to do back flips in order to be in his world.

I'm too old to do back flips.

Back to Work

2011-10-24T17:53:00.005-04:00

Today was my first day back after a week off. Surprisingly, it wasn't a bad day. Actually, it wasn't a surprise at all. I was prayed up and prepared for those folks. It was actually a pretty good day.

Of course, it can't be compared to my week off. I had such a good time. I woke up when I wanted to. I exercised during the day. I took little field trips and on Friday I got to get all cute for a fund-raising event.

See, getting cute is a big deal because I don't often do it.

Then on Sunday I made an awesome meal of barbecue chicken, collard greens and macaroni and cheese. Then I had a big piece of carrot cake for dessert. I did not make the carrot cake. Now you see why I work out so much. Food, glorious food!

Regarding yesterday's post, I'm calmer today and I will stay off of Webmd.com because that site will scare the hell outta you. I will attack these levels more aggressively but if they don't increase in the next six months I'm going to a hematologist.

This is the beginning of a wonderful week. What do you have going on?

Taking Control

2011-10-23T09:51:00.004-04:00

It's Sunday and the end of my vacation. It was a good week. A great week, in fact. I didn't go to an exotic location or taste wine in a beautiful setting but my time was definitely well spent.

I can't wait to make dinner. That's nuts. It's 10:00 am and all I can think about is tonight's dinner. Amazing.

Well, that's not all I can think about. Actually, my mind is occupied right now with my latest doctor's appointment. I've mentioned here before about my iron levels and how low they are. Well, they are still low. My doctor seems concerned but all she keeps telling me is that "we have to get your levels up; make sure you take your iron supplements with vitamin C".

Well Doc, I've been taking my supplements consistently for more than a friggin' year and my levels are still dangerously low. Maybe it's time to take the next step. For some reason my body does not absorb the iron. I need to know why.

You wouldn't believe where my imagination has taken me this morning. Maybe you would believe it. It's time for me to take control of this situation.

Stay tuned.

Forty Seven

2011-10-18T07:17:00.003-04:00

Last night I was relaxing in the bath, allowing the smell of lavender to envelope me and then it dawned on me: half of my life is over. Don't worry, this is not a sad, morbid post about my mortality blah blah blah. It's like when I treat myself to the occasional Snicker bar. I'm so excited about the chocolate and peanuts and I rush through the first half. Then I look down and I realize that half that candy bar is gone. The first half was so good but I know I really have to savor the second half because once it's gone ... it's gone.

That's how I'm feeling this morning. I really have to savor the second half.

I've done quite in bit during the first half:

I got married. In fact, I was so ambitious that I did it twice!
I had my kids
I bought a home
I made some money
I did some traveling
I made a lot of mistakes

It seems to me that my first half was populated with striving. I was always of the mind that I had to get something. I had to achieve. There's nothing wrong with that. Without goals where are we?

But the second half is going to be different. I don't feel the urgency to get get get. I feel the need to exhale. I feel the need to just breathe. Have you ever felt that way? The first 47 years have been a whirlwind. I've enjoyed most of it but not as much as I could have. I've allowed stress to overtake me more times than I should have. I'm done with that.

There are still things that I want to achieve in the second half. I want to visit Italy. I want to get married again and I want a house on the beach.

Small things. :)

But more importantly I want my spirit to be calm. I want to always be thankful in every circumstance and every situation. I want to view every single day as a gift from God.

Because it is.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)

Help Me Celebrate

2011-10-17T09:52:00.002-04:00

It's going to be a spectacular day! Hope you are enjoying it as much as I am.

Much Respect

2011-10-16T09:10:00.002-04:00

I did another five miles today.

Much respect to all you runners who get up early, lace up and hit the pavement. When I see you out on the trail, I smile. We're sharing something really amazing. I know how hard it is to wake up before dawn and be intentional about getting ready for a run. It's so much easier to just roll over and get some more sleep. Some may ask, "well, if it's so hard why keep doing it?" The answer is simple: I no longer have a choice. Running is part of me. It's like breathing.

So when I see you out there, just know that you have my respect.

Another Birthday

2011-10-11T15:41:00.002-04:00

Well, in six days it will be my birthday.

This year is a little different from recent past years. I mean, I’m still taking my week off but things are going to be a bit more low key. I have a few appointments: doctor, dentist, college tour and a fancy banquet but this year just feels different.

I think it’s because I’m single and I don’t feel like I have anything to prove. Last year I was single too but I was on a mission (I think) to prove that I was okay with it. This year, I really am okay with it so there’s no need for any hoopla. Does that make any sense? Last year was my first birthday alone in more than six years. It was kinda sad, but of course I couldn’t tell ya’ll that. This year is different because I’m not sad. I’m actually pretty happy.

Forty-seven looks good on me.

I’m able to do just about anything I want. I say “no” when I want and don’t feel bad about it. My life is filled with things that I love and I have successfully removed the things that I don’t love.

Why do we think that we have to have it all figured out when we are in our twenties? That is so silly. I am just now figuring out that life really and truly is a journey but the destination will be meaningless if you don’t enjoy how you got there. It’s like anything else in life. You just have to keep going, one foot in front of the other and do it with a smile. I told you I ran 5 miles on Sunday, right? Well, while I was doing it all I could manage to concentrate on was putting one foot in front of the other. I just had to keep going and eventually I reached the destination. (Side Note: Not only did I reach the destination but I accomplished something that I had never done and it has gotten me excited about racing again. Yeah, so that's a good thing.)

Well, I don’t have my destination figured out but I am determined to spend most of my time getting there with a big smile on my face.

Keep on Running!

2011-10-09T21:25:00.005-04:00

I bought some long-sleeved running gear this weekend. I got dressed for my run and I thought I looked really cute. I like looking like an athelete even though I don't always feel like one. Except for today ... I ran 5 miles baby! Seriously, this was the first time I ran that distance. It took me an hour but still ... 5 miles.

I've decided not to sign up for anymore races because I feel so defeated when I don't make the time that I expect to.

I'm still going to run for fitness and maybe sometime in the future I'll run another race. I'm actually feeling kind of motivated since I got through 5 miles today without dying.

We'll see.

Connecting the Dots

2011-10-07T09:49:00.005-04:00

I just viewed Steve Jobs’ 2005 commencement speech and the one thing that stood out for me was when he said that connecting the dots can only happen by looking back. We don’t fully understand why the things in our lives happen the way they do until we look back on them and that’s when we have the big A-ha moment.

I definitely believe that everything happens for a reason. I accept the fact that I won’t always understand the reason and in some cases I may never even know what the reason is. But there’s a purpose for everything.

In ten days I’ll be celebrating my 47th birthday and as I often do I take a look back and try to add perspective to past events. It’s an exercise in speculation at best because I really don’t have any answers.

I don’t know why I had to be married and divorced twice by age 36. I do know that if I hadn’t had those marriages I wouldn’t have the awesome children that I have.

I don’t know how in the world I ended up in the profession that I currently have. I do know that without it I wouldn’t be able to provide for my family in the manner that I do.

I don’t know why I decided to write a book and then had no real desire to ever write another one. What is that about?

I don’t know why I blog, make videos, sell books online or do restaurant reviews (other than the fact that I love all these activities) but I have a feeling that in the future I’ll be able to connect all those dots. I have faith that everything will fall into place exactly the way that it should be.

The Answer

2011-10-05T09:23:00.003-04:00

So, in the below post entitled "Revelations" I mentioned how my manager may need me to postpone my week off. My birthday week. I was disappointed at first but I didn't get excited, I gave it to God because He knows the desires of my heart.

Yesterday, my manager informed me that I was all clear to take off my birthday week.

I'm convinced that if I would have given him an attitude this would not have worked out in my favor. God is definitely doing a work in me.

Some might say He's doing a new thing in me.

Useful

2011-10-04T13:56:00.002-04:00

I am not an eloquent speaker and I write the way I speak so I hope this comes out right.

Yesterday I received an email from one of my life group members and she was asking for prayer and assistance for her mentee. The young woman desperately needed some items for her infant. Right after work I went to the store and picked up a few things.

I don’t tell you this for praise or a pat on the back. I tell you this because what happened afterward kind of shook me. After I got back in my car I heard a voice say to me, “So what? You think you’re doing something? Anyone can spend money. What about your time? When was the last time you gave your time to someone in need?”

For several hours after that I kept repeating those words in my head. Was my form of giving not acceptable because it wasn’t a sacrifice? I felt horrible. I wanted to help because I pray that if my own daughter was in need and I wasn’t able to help her, that someone would be available to answer the call.

By the time I got to last night’s prayer meeting I was an emotional and spiritual wreck. Seriously, I do not have a problem writing a check. I’m not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination but I’m smart enough to know that all I have comes from God and He didn’t bless me to keep it all to myself. So I give. Remember the verse in Malachi 3 where God says that He will open the windows of Heaven and pour out a blessing that I won’t have room enough to receive? Well, I’m supposed to share the extra. The enemy had me believing yesterday that my giving didn’t mean anything.

While at the prayer meeting we were talking about how God wants to give each of us a new name. It doesn’t matter what we may think about ourselves, God wants to turn it all around and give us a new name. I was praying for God to tell me what my name was. I needed desperately to hear from him. In prayer He told me that my name is: Useful.

I am a useful part of the Kingdom. No matter what the enemy says. I may not be a mentor to young people and I could definitely increase my volunteerism. But when God leads me to give, I give and I don’t think twice. The enemy told me yesterday that “anyone can spend money”. Well, you know what? Maybe everyone can’t spend money. Some people give time. Some people give talent. Some people give finances. As long as it’s done to God’s glory and to further his Kingdom does it really matter?

I don’t think so.

A Word about Massage

2011-10-02T16:12:00.004-04:00

I had a massage today. First one in over a year and I believe massages will be part of my maintenance package.

Maintenance package? You know, the stuff I have to do to keep my body working. As I get older the list seems to be getting longer. Oh well.

I booked the massage because I’ve been noticing that every morning when I get up my muscles are really tight and I’m really just tired of always feeling like I’m balled up in a knot.

I used to view massages as a luxury for those who need extra pampering. I could never wrap the idea around my head. I would always book one when I went to a fancy spa but to get one on a regular basis just seemed unnecessary. Kind of how I used to feel about getting facials but now after several years I couldn’t imagine not getting a facial every other month. Not just for the pampering but because I feel it’s necessary to take care of my skin. Anyway, the massage was only $40 for an hour so if I didn’t feel like it was helping I wasn’t out that much cash.

When I made the appointment I was asked if I preferred a man or a woman or if I had no preference. I said no preference and they scheduled me with John. Every other time I had a massage it was done by a woman and I just felt like she was not applying enough pressure. So, I was grateful for John.

I arrived at the appointed time and met John and he immediately put me at ease by making me laugh. Which I felt was very helpful because I was about to be butt nekkid on his table for an hour. I was nervous at first but I just had to remind myself to keep breathing. I closed my eyes and just listened to the music and let him do what I was paying him to do.

I’m not sure if I ever fully relaxed and there were a few times when I was on the table where I had to stop myself from saying “ouch” but when we were finished I couldn’t believe how quickly the hour had passed and how good I felt. He did comment on how tight I was and if I decided to come back then we would go deeper into the tissue.

I booked another appointment for next month.

Revelations

2011-09-28T11:05:00.002-04:00

I like being a mother to older children. In fact, I think I’m a better mother now than I was when my kids were small. I didn’t have much patience back then and little kids need so much. I believe I answered the call, just not with the best attitude.

Yesterday, my son called me to make sure that I was still taking off for my birthday because he wanted to give me my gift on the day. First of all, my birthday is more than 2 weeks away and the fact that it is on his mind is gift enough. Seriously. Also, on yesterday, my daughter thought it was a good idea to make dinner while I went for my run. I don’t mean sandwiches or cereal. The girl was chopping and sautéing vegetables and preheating the oven. The whole thing. I enjoyed a really nice pasta dish after I ran my 3 miles.

I definitely love being a mother to older children.

My manager asked if I absolutely had to take my birthday week off. Huh? What? That was my first reaction because for as long as I can remember I haven’t worked on my birthday and I just recently started taking the entire week off. It’s an event that is very special to me. So, when he started asking questions, I started feeling kinda funny. Then I thought about it. What is the big deal? I can easily take off the following week. It’s not like I’ve purchased airline tickets or anything.

Deciding not to get all excited about stuff like that helps me to sleep better at night. A good attitude is definitely better than a bad one.

New things are on the horizon. The seasons are changing. I’m happy happy happy. Wanna know why? Check out my latest video over to the right.

Seeing God move in my life is an amazing thing. However, it is important to remember that even when you don’t see Him, He is still working.

What's Crackin?

2011-09-23T13:24:00.005-04:00

What do you have going on for the weekend? I am not going to do one bless-ed thing. Last weekend I went shopping because a little retail therapy never hurt nobody but this weekend I’m keeping my behind in the house. I want to see Lion King while it’s in theaters again but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to drag myself out of the house. The weather is really driving my decision. It’s going to be all overcast and dreary with scattered showers. It’s been like that all week and as a result I didn’t get out and run once! Oh the horror! No, seriously … I need to be out running. I could have gone to the gym and run on the treadmill but for real, once you’ve experienced the open road, the dreadmill is a very poor substitute. Oh well, cooler temperatures are upon us and I may be at the gym more often than not. Unless I invest in some cool weather running gear. Running in the cold? We’ll see.

Last weekend I also went to see Straw Dogs. Did you see it? I really only went because I wanted to see Alexander Skarsgard.

I love him. If you’re not familiar he’s one of the vampires on True Blood. And I love him. The movie was okay. I probably could have waited for it to be on HBO.

Speaking of HBO, are there movies that you find yourself watching over and over again? I have a few that every time they come on, I turn to them. Like "The Town" with Ben Affleck and "It’s Complicated" with Meryl Streep. Don’t ask me why. Then there are movies that I can only watch once. Like Pursuit of Happyness. I loved that movie but it is so emotional. Even though I know it has a happy ending I’m asking myself: How much more does this man have to go through?

Speaking of emotional, did you see Gray’s Anatomy last night? Oh my goodness! I was crying like a baby! I cried for Christina and Owen. I cried for the Chief. I cried for Derek and Meredith. I think I even cried for Alex. This season is going to be good, I think.

So I have this formal event I’m attending next month and I need a new dress. At first I was looking for a gown but found out that a cocktail dress would be considered appropriate. Where do you go when you need something extra special? Here are a few of the things that I’m considering. Sorry about the size of the photos but I couldn’t find larger ones.

I am so enjoying this book. It is really helping me to identify when I’m in my feelings and I need to take a step back. Imagine a life where you’re not controlled by emotions. I still have them … that was clearly demonstrated last night during Gray’s, but I can see that I’m going to have a better relationship with my emotions.

I need suggestions for Sunday dinner. I think I’m just going to make a meatloaf. I love my meatloaf. It’s easy and delicious. No fuss no muss.

I think that’s all for now. Have a great weekend. Stay out of trouble.

All In Your Feelings

2011-09-21T13:12:00.002-04:00

This book I'm reading about not being all in your feelings is wonderful. I'm only about half way through it because I'm really meditating on what I'm reading.

I'm learning that being all in your feelings can definitely work both ways. I can't allow overly negative feelings to dictate my actions but I also can't allow overly positive feelings to rule the day either. Feelings are temporay. They come and they go. Which means that serious decisions cannot be made based on feelings alone.

What I'm reading is really causing me to think more about my day-to-day. For example, I had a really bad day at work on Monday. I mean, really bad. My mind was racing and I was telling myself all kinds of terrible things. I finally just had to stop, take a breath and remember that God is with me. Nothing that happened at work on Monday is going to matter in a year. Heck, it doesn't matter right now! Once I re-evaluated my feelings the stress disappeared.

Since I've been reading this book, I am finding myself in more situations where I have to control my reactions to the feeling of the moment. It's like praying for patience ... you always end up having your patience tested. It's uncomfortable but I know for a fact that because of this discomfort, I am growing.

Will You Not Know It?

2011-09-19T08:34:00.002-04:00

It amazes me that I am still amazed at how God decides to move in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand which is why having faith is so important.

On Sunday I made a video and I talked about running away and feeling empty and basically just crying out for answers.

Later that day, I decided to take a look at Saturday night’s church bulletin. I had stuffed it into my Bible after church on Saturday and I really didn’t take the time to read it. Every weekend the pastor publishes a different article. Here are some excerpts from this week’s article entitled, Will You Not Know It?

Our heavenly Father says to each of us, “Behold I do a new thing, now it shall spring forth. Will you not know it? (Isaiah 43:19).

Will you not know it? God can bring new people into our lives in order to forge a strategic connection for our future, and we can miss it if we are dull of spirit. God can give us new insights for business, but they can remain dormant if we do not respond in faith. God can give us new revelation into prayer, but our prayer lives can remain on life-support if we don’t act on what God shows us.

Will you not know it? God is doing something new right now in your life – even as you are reading this article. His Spirit is speaking something to your spirit, if you will listen. He may be warning you about a decision you are about to make or encouraging you to try something really different. He could be at work in your circumstances by opening a door or closing one that will keep you on track in your family He may right now be answering your prayer in a new and unexpected way.

Will you not know it? This fall, the most powerful Person in the universe is taking a special interest in your future, your circumstances and your soul. His Spirit is ready to take you to a whole new level and He is asking you to be ready and willing to respond to Him in faith. God is doing a new thing…for you. Now give him praise!

God’s timing is incredible. This article touched on the very topic that I was trying to articulate in the video. I trust that God has it under control. I trust that He is doing a new thing in me. I will lean not unto my own understanding but in all my ways I will acknowledge Him and He will direct my path (Proverbs 3:5-6). I really needed to read this article in order to give me a “jump start”. I know what God is able because He has proven it in my life over and over again.

What I'm Reading - Living Beyond Your Feelings

2011-09-14T08:10:00.004-04:00

Having trouble controlling your emotions? You may want to check this one out.

I've lived most of my life ruled by my emotions. Yuck. Seriously ... yuck! If I could take back some of the ridiculous, emotional decisions I've made, I certainly would. But I can't, so all I can do now is learn from the past and make sure that I don't repeat those mistakes.

Being all in your feelings is exhausting! Maybe I'm just too tired (or too old) to do it anymore. Whatever the case may be, I'm excited about reading this book.

What's It Gonna Look Like?

2011-09-13T09:05:00.003-04:00

I have never been more consumed with what my future is going to look like than I am right now and I’m not sure why that is. Not when I was about to be a wife, not when I was pregnant, not even when I decided to get divorced. My attitude has always been, “whatever happens, happens”. I never gave it much thought. That apathy or indifference about my own future was probably the reason why I’m so anxious now. I mean, I didn’t make any plans regarding my marriage(s) or motherhood, I just thought everything would work out. And for the most part it has but I’ve done nothing extraordinary in my life and that fact has left me feeling kind of restless. Now, in my late forties, with my nest almost empty, I am very anxious to see what my life will look like. I am capable of designing how I want it to look, I know that but the problem is: I’m not sure of how I want it to look. Ugh!!!!!! I know that working this 9-5 is not what I want. Being a slave to someone else’s schedule is not satisfying at all and I’m sick of it. I also know that I want to travel. I want to do some major renovations to my home. I want to remarry. I believe that all these things can be mine. My problem is the waiting. I keep my eyes open for opportunities but they aren’t showing up as quickly as I would like.

Stuff I Really Love

2011-09-12T14:38:00.006-04:00

I am a total girly-girl and to me, there is nothing better than finding and sharing a good beauty product. I am by no means a "product junkie" but there are certain things that I really, really love. Here are a few things I'm totally loving right now:

1. Silk Elements Deep Conditioner: I deep condition my hair once a week with a plastic cap under the dryer for 20 minutes. Some protein based products give me a fit, but not this one. My hair feels strong and I don't experience any breakage. 2. Organic Root Stimulator Glossing Polisher: I just started using this product because my hair lacked shine. Just a small drop does the job. The package says to use with heat (curling iron or flat iron) for optimal results but I don't use alot of heat on my hair and I still get the shine that I'm looking for.
3. Flexirods: I'm in the middle of a relaxer stretch and I workout at least 6 times a week, so I've had to sacrifice cute hairstyles. Usually during the week, I'll put my hair in a bun but on the weekends after a shampoo I'll air dry and then roll it up with flexirods. They produce a really soft, bouncy curl that reminds me that I am still cute.

4. MAC Fix +: I bought this stuff ages ago and had no idea what it was for. Why did I buy it? Because those girls at the MAC counter are great at their jobs. Anyway, I finally figured it out ... I use the MAC Studio Fix powder foundation but sometimes the look seems too matte and at the end of the day my face looks dull. Now, I just apply a few sprays of the Fix + and my complexion is all dewy and pretty. I love it!

5. Diorshow Mascara: This is the best mascara that I have ever used. Ever! My lashes appear so much longer and with no clumping. I love this stuff.

What are some of your favorite beauty products?

Funny How Things Change

2011-09-08T15:48:00.003-04:00

Every morning I wake up at 5:30 take a shower and then wake up my daughter at 6:00. She takes her shower and then proceeds to get dressed. Then she joins me in my bedroom where we proceed to do hair and makeup. Usually by 6:30 I'm finished and head downstairs to make my breakfast and pack my lunch for work. This morning I made her breakfast too. By 7:00 am we're ready to head out the door.

I remember a time when the only thing we would say to each other in the morning was "time to get up" and "have a good day". And both those statements came from me. I didn't want her in my room in the mornings and she didn't want to be there.

I was thinking this morning that this time next year, I'll probably be getting ready in the mornings without her. She'll be away at school and I'll be here. I think I'm really gonna miss that girl. It amazes me how our relationship has changed. I'm more patient and she's more open. I lecture less and she talks more. I trust her and she doesn't give me any reasons not to trust her.

It's a good thing ... but still.

**sigh**

ABC's of Me

2011-09-06T15:21:00.003-04:00

I stole this from fit and fab for life

Age: 46

Bed Size: Queen

Chore You Hate: Washing my car

Dogs: None

Essential start of your day: Breakfast

Favorite color: No favorites

Gold or silver: Silver

Height: 5’7

Instruments I play: None

Job title: Jack of all Trades

Kids: 1 boy and 1 girl

Lives: Va Beach

Mom’s name: S

Nickname: Shelly

Overnight hospital stays: Childbirth

Pet peeve: People who are chronically late

Quote from a movie: “You will never find peace by avoiding life”

Right or left handed: Right

Siblings: Too many to count

Time you wake up: 5:30am

Underwear: I beg your pardon

Vegetables you dislike: Lima beans

What makes you run late: Traffic

X-rays you’ve had done: Do mammograms count?

Yummy food you make: The best macaroni and cheese on the planet!

Zoo animal: Monkey

Goodbye Summer!

2011-09-02T08:42:00.002-04:00

Everyone’s talking about the end of summer and I suppose that is appropriate since it is Labor Day Weekend. I’m going to miss Summer 2011. It wasn’t spectacular but it was a good summer. I trained for and ran my first 5k and followed that up with two more races. That is certainly notable. As the weather gets cooler I’ll probably adjust my running schedule to the early evenings or to the treadmill which is sort of a bummer. Hey, what’re you gonna do?

As another autumn approaches I feel myself going into reflective mode. Summer is always so much fun and carefree but for me, autumn is less so. It’s my birthday season and as many people do, I look back over the last year and either marvel at my accomplishments or I get depressed because I haven’t done enough. I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m really at a place of acceptance which is a nice place to be. I’ve let go of the stress that comes with really high expectations. It’s too much. I still have the expectations, just not the stress.

This weekend will be a busy one. Tonight the Princess and I will be doing her school shopping. And for the first time since she’s been in school, I won’t have to come out of pocket. How cool is that? It’s nice to have kids with jobs. Yes! I’ve agreed to help with the school supplies but the clothes are all on her.

Tomorrow after my run, I’m going to the salon for a facial. Fun and relaxing. After that I’ll probably clean house and prepare for church.

On Sunday I’m going to head down to the Oceanfront for the Rock ‘n Roll half marathon. Of course I’m not racing but I’d like to cheer on Black Girls Run! and hang out with some of the girls for a while. I’m looking forward to that. I can’t imagine running 13 miles when I’m still struggling with completing three. These girls are serious!

Then I think Monday will just be a lay around and do nothing day.

Goodbye summer!

What have you got planned?

The Wine Dinner

2011-09-01T09:18:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite things in the world to do is to sit down to a good meal with good wine. If I’m being totally honest that is probably the one thing that I miss most about dating my ex-boyfriend. Enjoying good food was definitely a love that we shared. For the past year and a half it has not been something that I have done that often because I haven’t thought about it. There are no more “date nights” so my fine dining experiences have been few and far between.

So when I got the email from the Cobalt Grille announcing their August Wine Dinner, I said to myself, “Why not?”

My daughter asked me who I was going with and I told her no one and she raised an eyebrow. I had to explain to her that I will not stop doing the things that I love to do just because I have to do them alone. I felt the same way when I bought my house. At first I wondered if I could take on something so huge alone. And again I asked myself, “Why not?”

As I was leaving the house last night for the dinner my daughter says, “Maybe you’ll meet a nice eligible bachelor.” I just smiled. That’s not really how my life works. Eligible bachelors don’t seem to show up in the places where I like to go. Like $90 wine dinners.

When I arrived, what I already knew was confirmed. I was the only Black person there and maybe one of two people that were under the age of 55. Why is that?

Whatever. I still had a good time. I’ll do a full review over at Delicious! but here’s a brief overview:

If you’ve never been to a wine dinner it is exactly what the name implies. It’s an opportunity for a wine vendor to present wine and give suggestions on what to pair the wines with. We were presented a five course meal and each course came with a different wine. The plates were small but the glasses of wine were not. These were not tasting glasses, these were full pours. Could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. Out of the five wines I really loved one of them (syrah), and really didn’t like two of them (chardonnay and cab). The other two were pretty good (sauvignon blanc and zinfandel). I am not a chardonnay drinker because it's just too acidic for me, but I was amazed at how palatable it was when served with fish.

First course: Seared scallops - Sauvignon Blanc
Second course: Pan fried branzini – Chardonnay
Third course: Wild mushroom and goat cheese tart – Syrah
Main course: Roasted beef filet – Cabernet Sauvignon
Dessert: Chocolate cheesecake - Zinfandel

Learning to Adapt

2011-08-30T08:35:00.003-04:00

I am challenging myself again. The plan is to exercise 26 out of the next 30 days. I started on Saturday and so far so good. The plan was to get up this morning and run before work but to my surprise, it was still dark at 6:00 am so my plan was thwarted. I guess my early morning weekday runs will have to be done at the gym on the treadmill. Glad I didn’t cancel my gym membership. I’ll go in tonight to get my run in.

I know a lot of women who have either gone natural or are contemplating going natural in order to accommodate their workout schedule. I will not be one of those women. It’s just not for me. Yes, I’m addicted to the creamy crack. Right now, I’m in the middle of a stretch and it’s been 12 weeks and 2 days since my last relaxer. My hair is long enough where I can pull it back into a decent ponytail but I’m getting to the stage where I think I’m having more ugly days than cute days. During my last stretch I wore a wig. This time I’ll wear a half wig. I can protect my hair and still look cute.

More and more I’m finding myself in situations where I have to adapt to certain circumstances. It’s getting easier to adapt. This wasn’t always the case. If things didn’t go exactly how I thought they should go, my whole day, week or month would just be ruined. Now, I can just roll with it. It’s easier that way. Who needs the stress?

This past weekend was a perfect example. Irene showed up and knocked out my power so we had to adapt. My son’s girlfriend did not lose power so we hung out over there for a few hours on Saturday night. On Sunday morning I got up and went for a run, took a shower in the dark and got dressed and went to church. Service was amazing. Everyone was just so happy to be there and the feeling in the room cannot even be described. No grumbling, no complaining, no murmuring … just this unspeakable joy. The sermon was entitled “The Prayer of Praise”. Sometimes when you’re in the middle of a situation and you are so overwhelmed that you don’t know what to pray … just praise. Praise God for all that He is doing and for all that He has already done. For ninety minutes we were just soaking in the spirit. During that time, it didn’t matter that the electricity was out. It didn’t matter that I would have to throw away a bunch of food. Nothing mattered.

When I got home the power was back on.

What's my point? Stop stressing over things that you can't control and look to the one that controls everything.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

2011-08-29T09:10:00.004-04:00

Him: I don’t think I’ve taken a vacation in about two years. At the end of the year I always have a bunch of use-or-lose leave that I end up losing or donating.

Me: That’s nuts. I take a vacation every year. I’d die without my time off.

Him: I guess I’m just backwards. I’m not going to waste my leave if I’m not leaving the state.

Me: You need your time off to rejuvenate. You work hard every day you should give yourself a break.

Him: I guess.

Me: I take small trips every year but my next big vacation will be to Italy. I was supposed to go this year but I changed my mind.

Him: Why’d you change your mind?

Me: Because I didn’t want to travel out of the country alone. But I’m definitely going in the next three years even if I have to go alone. (pause) Wanna go?

Him: (No pause) Sure I’ll go!

See what happened there? A perfectly good friendly conversation gone awry.

The ridiculously, hopeless romantic part of me thought this would be perfect. Ten days in romantic Tuscany and at the end of the trip we would realize how much we have always loved each other and we would come back to the states and live happily ever after.

The logical, smarter side of me realizes what a huge mistake the invitation was. We’ve been apart for more than twenty years and our lives are not fairy tales. What was I thinking?

Me: Don’t make me a promise that you can’t keep because I’ll end up hating you. Take some time to think about it.

Him: You’re right. I certainly don’t want you to hate me, so I’ll think about it.

Me: Okay. Do some research and get back to me.

He’s a lot more logical than I am. He’ll make the right decision. If not for himself, then he’ll make the right decision for me. That’s just the kind of person he is. I told him once that our telephone conversations made me uncomfortable because we always wound up on Memory Lane and I hate Memory Lane. So, he stopped calling as frequently and he makes an effort to keep the conversations in the present.

Do you ever need someone else to be “the strong one” because you just can’t? That’s me when it comes to him.

I can be such a girl.

Notes on Irene

2011-08-27T18:29:00.003-04:00

It's 6:30 pm on Saturday and we still have power. Thank you Lord!

It's been raining since last night.

I have to force myself not to go back into the kitchen.

I'm bored and I eat way too much when I'm bored.

I can't wait until the storm passes so I can go running and feel better about laying around all day.

I got up early this morning and did the 30-day shred.

It's amazing how much more endurance I have compared to five months ago.

Both my kids are here with me and safe and for that I am so grateful.

Have you seen the commercial for Pajama Jeans? Seriously? Who is buying these?

I have to keep telling myself: I'm not hungry, I'm not hungry, I'm not hungry!

I should just lie down and read a book.

I have a huge tree in my back yard and a huge tree in my front yard -- both still standing.

The backyard is flooded.

I feel like spaghetti.

I'm not hungry.

I planted a seed today that I probably shouldn't have planted ...

I couldn't help it though ... we'll see what, if anything, comes from it

My daughter's watching Free Willy and they are about to free him.

I can't believe this area was hit with an earthquake and a hurricane all in the same week.

Here's The Thing ...

2011-08-25T07:59:00.004-04:00

What's going on, ya'll?

What about that earthquake? 5.8 in Virginia. Now, we're all bracing for Hurricane Irene.

Here are some pictures of me struggling through last weekend's 5k. My bib number is 703. I look crazy. I ordered one of the pics as a reminder. Of what? I'm not quite sure. Just a reminder.

Here's the thing ... when you share your goals publicly, you share your failure publicly as well. Not a good look. Conversely, your success is also public but how many times must one fail (publicly) in order to get to that success?

Despite the tone of the previous paragraph I am feeling pretty good. I am embarking on something new and it feels really good. Each day I look forward to experiencing something new. I haven't felt like this in a while ... I like it. Will I share the details? Nope.

Summer is coming to a close. Bummer. My birthday is rapidly approaching. Yay! I need to start planning for my 47th. Hmmmm ... any ideas?

What I'm Reading - This Beautiful Life

2011-08-16T07:36:00.003-04:00

This Beautiful Life is a devastating exploration of the blurring boundaries of privacy and the fragility of self, a clear-eyed portrait of modern life that will have readers debating their assumptions about family, morality, and the sacrifices and choices we make in the name of love.

Weekly Wrap-Up

2011-08-14T11:37:00.005-04:00

We've reached another Sunday and another weekly wrap-up. My weight loss goal will not be met. Oh well. I can't even be mad because I know I didn't try as hard as I should have. It takes more effort and discipline to transform my eating habits and I'm just not there yet.

The good news is, I'm six days away from Race Day and I am so ready. In fact, this week I ran two of my best times ever. On Saturday, I did my regular 3 miles in 34:29 and today I did 4.5 miles in 53:25. I ran with a partner today and when I was ready to stop she made me keep going. She told me to slow down (instead of stopping) and allow her to pace me. It was awesome. I like running with a partner.

So, I gained weight this week but I ran my best times ever. Ain't life funny?

I was feeling a little wonky this week ... call it hormones ... call it whatever ... but I was not on my game and I turned to food for comfort. Friday night I had Chinese food: spare ribs, shrimp fried rice, shrimp lo mein and an egg roll. Then on Saturday I had leftover lo mein for breakfast and then I proceeded to make the creamiest, cheesiest macaroni and cheese that I have ever made. It was delicious! And I didn't feel guilty.

I know I can't run off a bad diet. But running does help.

Here's the scale:

I'm not going to give up after next week. I will make better choices and I will resist the urge to stuff my face with creamy, cheesy goodness.

I'm Having a Moment

2011-08-12T09:09:00.003-04:00

I think this weekend is going to be one of those weekends where I just do nothing. Well, not totally … I have to take my daughter shopping to buy a dress for her father’s wedding. I have to work the information desk at church on Saturday night and I have two runs scheduled. So, there’s stuff going on but I’m just kind of feeling … blah. Can’t explain it, it’s just one of those things that happens every now and then.

I’m tired.

Dealing with my kids and the cardiologists, my son’s financial aid, my daughter’s college plans, my father’s death … I’m just tired. Not just tired of dealing with things but dealing with things … alone.

I’m in dire need of a good cry. And some comfort food.

If one more person tells me that I’m strong and how admirable that is, my head is going to explode. The truth is, I’m strong because … what other choice do I have?

Truthfully, I wouldn’t have it any other way, but forgive me … I’m having a moment.

I can only do what I can do. And in my case, it is perceived that I can do every-friggin-thing.

There are moments when I really do wish I had someone to shoulder some of my responsibilities. Not just anyone, because as you know, I’ve had two husbands and they both added to my responsibilities instead of helping with them. My bad, for making poor choices. For whatever reason, I seemed to gravitate toward men who needed to be taken care of. I’m so through with that. I’ve been taking care of people for more than 20 years and I’m just tired.

Still Running

2011-08-10T11:32:00.002-04:00

It amazes me that even when I hated running, I still couldn't stop doing it. People talk about the "runner's high" and it's definitely a real thing but I don't feel it until after the run is complete. During the run, all I can think about is when I can stop running. The actual act of running is not something that makes me smile. But I still get up four times a week, lace up my shoes and run. Lately, I've extended my runs to at least 30 minutes each. It's usually closer to 35 minutes and on Sundays I stay out for an hour. I have found that counting minutes instead of miles is more effective for me. Don't ask me why. I used to focus on speed, now I'm focusing on distance and endurance. I completed my first 5k in 35:03 and when I was done, I told myself that I would not run competitively again. Who needs it? I ran a second race on the 4th of July and my time was worse than the first race. Why? Because I didn't train for it. I figured, I did it once, I can do it again. Wrong! My next race is on the 20th and I really want to meet or beat my first race's time. We'll see. If I don't do it this time, I know there will always be another race. This running thing is interesting. I really do enjoy it because it's the easiest way for me to maintain my weight and I can do it anywhere. Now, if I can only incorporate some cross-training, I'd be golden.

Are You Trendy?

2011-08-08T12:15:00.003-04:00

I am and will probably always be the last person to grab onto a trend. I will never be part of the group that has to have the latest this or the newest that.

I don't have a smart phone, an iPad, an e-reader or a laptop. That's right, I don't own a laptop. It took me until June 2010 to upgrade my phone to a Blackberry and that was just because I wanted a phone with a QWERTY keyboard. Both my son and daughter have "better" phones than I do. My daughter has an iTouch, while I still use my iPod Shuffle. My son has a laptop and my daughter will probably have one in September. I don't make them stay in the dark ages, but I'm quite comfortable there.

I don't really have any reasoning behind it, it's just that I don't care enough to be part of the crowd. If it means that I have to be seperated from my money, I think twice. Do I really NEED this thing? Is it really necessary to make my life better? Isn't the one I have good enough? It's not that I'm cheap. I spend my money on things that I really want (i.e. nice shoes, good wine) but to spend dough on stuff because it's the newest thing ... that's just not me.

I bring this up because for the past few years my eldest has been trying to convince me to upgrade the television in the living room. During that time, he has purchased two flat screens for his bedroom (the first one broke after a while), and I've been quite content with my regular tube television. It works so what is the big deal? Finally, yesterday after yet another sales pitch from my kid, we went and picked out a new flat screen. He hooked it all up for me and the picture is beautiful. True Blood in HD is amazing. Okay, the television enhances my viewing experience but do I really need to be sitting in front of the television that much? **shrugs**

I don't regret the purchase. It's a really nice television and now my kids don't feel like they are so far behind the times.

Weekly Wrap-Up

2011-08-07T13:25:00.004-04:00

This week's meals:

Breakfasts:
Great Grains cereal w/2%milk (4 times)
Honeycomb cereal w/2% milk (once)
Banana and a granola bar
Greek yogurt
1/2 c of orange juice

Lunches:
Great Grains cereal w/2% milk
Salad (3 times)
Ham and cheese on wheat w/mustard
Chick-fil-a nuggets w/fries

Snacks:
Pita crisps w/hummus
plums
Townhouse crackers
Handful of blueberries

Dinners:
Meatloaf, rice, gravy, collard greens w/neckbones, cornbread, merlot (twice)
Andouille sausage and rice
Fried chicken, brocolli, cauliflower, merlot (twice)
Magherita pizza, merlot (twice)

Desserts:
Oatmeal cream cookie thingy from Little Debbie (one)
Skinny cow ice cream bar (one)
Skinny cow ice cream sandwich (one)

Weekly Exercise: Ran 13.8 miles over 4 days:
Wed - 3.1 miles
Thurs - 3.1 miles
Sat - 3.1 miles
Sun - 4.5 miles

I hate my scale. Another two-tenths of a pound down.

Okay, at least the scale isn't going up. I admit to doing some stress eating this week, but you try taking two kids to the cardiologist in one week and see if you don't stress eat. I did cut down on desserts, in that I didn't have one every night. But I know I shouldn't have had that fried chicken.

**sigh**

Answered Prayer

2011-08-04T12:54:00.002-04:00

He's okay! He's okay! He's okay!

The doctor didn't see anything. Nothing. Woo-hoo! We'll follow up with our doctor next week to determine next steps, but for right now ... I'm doing a happy dance.

Doctor's Visits

2011-08-03T15:44:00.002-04:00

When my son was six months old our pediatrician recommended that he have a CAT scan because in his estimation his head was larger than more than 90% of babies his age.

What?

When my son was born he only weighed 6 lbs 1 oz. He was a peanut. With a big head. His dad was 6’4” with a big head, too. Are we taking that into consideration? I guess not.

I was scared. I was a new mom and now some doctor is telling me my kid has a big head? Not just big, but abnormally big.

Seeing your child have to go through any kind of procedure is just the pits. I remember when I took him to his first well-baby appointment, there was this shot that he had to get in his heel. I don’t remember what it was because it was decades ago. But I had to hold him while they tortured him. I cried as much as he did that day. I always wondered if he would remember that.

Anyway, the morning of the CAT scan I was in charge of sedating my infant. The doctor prescribed some pink liquid and told me to put it in my kid’s bottle right before we left for the hospital. I did it and he drank it and after that he was out. Carrying him was like carrying dead weight. Once we were in radiology the nurse makes her way over to me and looked as if she was going to take my baby. I shot her a look that said, “You have got to be kidding!” She backed up and said, “Oh did you want to come in with him?”

What the hell kind of question is that? I nodded and stood up and carried my son into the room where the scan would take place. I placed him on the table and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. I had to sit down and they covered me with that thing that they cover you up with when x-rays are being taken. I sat in that chair and just cried while pictures of my son’s brain were being taken.

Thankfully, everything came out normal. He just had a big head. He’s since grown into that head.

That was our first adventure with doctors. There have been a few others and I always feel the same way and I always pray the same prayer: Lord, please let my baby be okay.

Now, twenty-one years later, I’m taking him for yet another doctor’s visit. Tomorrow he has to have a trans esophageal echocardiogram (TEE) (google it). And even though he is a grown man I still feel the same way as I did when he was six months old, and I’ll still be saying the same prayer: Lord, please let my baby be okay.

Time for an Attitude Adjustment

2011-08-01T10:01:00.003-04:00

I'm demanding myself to get an attitude adjustment. Pronto!

Every Monday, it never fails. I wake up and I dread that it's Monday because I have to drag myself to work. Usually by Wednesday the feeling of dread disappears and I'm on a high looking forward to my weekend. I love love love my weekends! On Saturday, I did some shopping and picked up some new running gear (t-shirts, shorts and a sports bra). I went to B&N and bought The Help because I want to read it before I see the movie. I spent most of the weekend reading it and I'm more than half way through. Yay! I also went to Sephora and picked up another tube of my favorite mascara, Dior Show, and some almond scented bath products. After church on Saturday night, I saw Crazy Stupid Love. That movie was hilarious. On Sunday, I woke up early and ran/walked 4.5 miles. My pace was all kinds of off but I didn't care, at least I got it done. Afterward, I showered with my new stuff, shampooed and deep conditioned. I cleaned the house and made a fabulous dinner of meatloaf, collard greens, rice and gravy and cornbread. I sipped on one glass of merlot and topped it off with a skinny cow ice cream sandwich. I watched True Blook and Entourage and carried my butt to bed.

I love my weekends.

Anyway, back to the attitude adjustment. I need to fix this ASAP. For real, if I didn't drag myself to this office every week I wouldn't be able to enjoy my weekends the way that I do. I need to get over myself. As I rode the elevator this morning, I made a mental list in my head of all the positive things about my job:

nice, safe building
free parking
good money
great benefits
nice people
flexible hours
ability to work from home when I want to
minimal travel
very little stress

What in the world to I have to complain about?

Nothing.

Weekly Wrap-Up

2011-07-31T11:45:00.003-04:00

Weekly Meals:

Breakfasts:
Great Grains w/2% milk
Power bar
Banana
Oatmeal
Greek yogurt
3-egg omelet w/cheese and sundried tomatoes
Blueberries

Lunches
Tuna on whole grain sandwich round
Chicken strips salad (Chick-fil-a)
Ham and cheese sandwich on whole grain sandwich round
Salads

Snacks
Reduced fat Townhouse crackers
nectarines
bananas
slices of havarti cheese
plums
pita crisps w/hummus
fruit cup (grapes & pineapples)
2 Recee's cups
Movie theater popcorn and Twizzlers

Dinners
Roasted chicken, asparagus, bread
NY Strip, brocolli, garlic toast
Pork tenderloin, sauteed mushrooms, spinach
2 mini crabcakes, lobster mac & cheese, 1 glass of pinot noir
Salad
Tilapia, orzo, spinach

Desserts
Skinny cow ice cream sandwiches

Exercise - Ran 12.89 miles over 4 days
Wed - 2.7
Fri - 2.56
Sat - 3.13
Sun - 4.5

As I look back over my meal list I see where I could have done better, but for the most part I did okay. But after all that I think the scale should have moved a bit more.

Two-tenths of a pound? Seriously?? Whatever, at least the thing isn't moving in the other direction. And I didn't eat one meal last week that I felt guilty about. I went out to eat once and I had snacks at the movies. I'll admit to one thing: I have to stop telling myself that just because "skinny" is in the title, that doesn't mean I should eat one of those things everyday.

Thankful Thursday

2011-07-28T11:12:00.003-04:00

In no particular order ...

I am so thankful that it is Thursday and it is almost the weekend.

I am thankful that I’ll be meeting with some of the ladies of Black Girls Run! tonight. Evening outings aren’t something I do that often and I’m looking forward to meeting people with similar interests. Should be fun.

I’m thankful that I get paid this week.

I’m thankful for DiorShow mascara and MAC concealer.

I’m thankful for being able to refinance my mortgage. I lowered my interest rate and will be saving more than $200 a month!

I’m thankful for these really cute shoes.

I’m thankful for my health and the health of my children.

I’m thankful for a job that allows me to provide for my family.

I’m thankful that the past is behind me and I am at peace.

I’m thankful that after yesterday’s college tour, my daughter is even more excited about higher education.

I’m thankful that I was able to run for 30 minutes yesterday without any issues.

I’m thankful that I enjoy exercise.

I’m thankful for the possibilities that the future holds.

I’m thankful for the lessons learned along the way.

Teenaged Drivers

2011-07-26T08:42:00.004-04:00

**My meals are boring. I'm still writing everything down but I've decided to do a summary for the week on weigh-in day. You're welcome**

I remember when I was a teenaged driver. I asked my mother if I could borrow her car one night so I could go out with my friends. I think I was picking up Pam and Charlotte, I can’t really remember at this point. Back in those days, we went to clubs. The club that were going to that night was called Rhana Pippins. It had these huge ceramic frogs inside and fountains. Not really sure what the frogs were about but we loved that place. The drinking age was 18 and even though we weren’t 18 the club management was very relaxed on the whole “checking for ID” thing. Anyway, I picked up my girls and we were on our way out when we saw my older brother. He flagged me down, asked where we were going and asked me to take him home so he could change his clothes and have me drop him off to wherever he was going. Of course, I agreed. I backed up my mom’s car and promptly hit a fire hydrant. Very little damage, but the point is … I hit the hydrant and damaged my mother’s car. I was bringing my brother back to the house and I had a choice to make. Do I tell her now that I hit the hydrant or do I wait until after we get back from the club? I brought my brother back home and kept my mouth shut about the car. Then me and my girls went out and had a good time. Afterward, I came home and my mother was waiting up for me. When I walked in the door, I told her that a fire hydrant came out from nowhere and hit her car! She failed to see the humor. She asked if anyone was hurt, came out and looked at the car and then went to bed. No lecture. No yelling. No nothing.

I remembered this story last night as my daughter was backing out of the driveway to go pick up one of her friends to go to the movies.

She came home on time and she and the car were all in one piece.

God Told Me to Tell You

2011-07-25T09:25:00.003-04:00

People are interesting to me. I try not to judge the motives of others and I work hard to see the point of view of the other guy. It can be challenging at times because of my personality but I’m definitely getting better.

I try not to but I sometimes find myself giving the side-eye to church folks more than I do non-church folks (for lack of a better term). Just so we’re clear, church folks are the ones who wear their religion like a sandwich board that says, “See how holy I am!” I prefer to witness someone’s “holiness” by their actions, not by their words.

But that’s another post.

My tendency to give the side-eye sometimes comes when someone tells me that God told them to say something to me.

I remember the first time it happened. It was many, many years ago and I was sitting in church and I was not having a good day. I was feeling bad about something, I cannot remember what. The woman that was sitting next to me put her hand on my shoulder and said the following: “Sis, I really don’t want to bother you and I’ve never done this before, but I feel like the Lord wants me to tell you that it’s going to be okay. I don’t know what you’re going through but I just feel like I had to be obedient and say something.”

I kind of knew the woman but not really. She was very timid and I can imagine how hard it was to approach someone as evil (looking) as me. I appreciated it and at the time, I really did need the reminder.

Encounters like that have happened again and again. And it makes me wonder. Is God really putting me on the hearts of these people? Or is there something else going on? Sometimes, I swear, the “good intentions” are completely misguided and I just want to tell them to go somewhere and sit down. But I just smile and say thank you.

I remember once a woman used the “God told me to tell you” thing in order to let me know how wrong I was for sleeping with my boyfriend without the benefit of marriage. She shared this long, drawn out story which had condemnation written all over it. I wanted to remind her that God does not condemn his children. I'm not saying that what she said wasn't true, it was her delivery. I thanked her for sharing.

It’s like hit and miss … or maybe it’s more than that and I just can’t see it. Maybe there are just times when I’m willing accept these “words from the Lord” and times when I’m not.

On Saturday during praise and worship we were singing a song that said:

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God you are greater than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, Our God

The words were up on the screen and it seemed that the word HEALER was magnified larger than the other words and I broke down. I was thinking about the procedure my son has to have next week and I believe God was reminding me that he is a HEALER. Afterward, I stepped out for a minute and the lady that was sitting behind me followed me, stopped me in the lobby and told me that God told her to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I accepted that one.

There have been times when I believe God has put a person on my heart. I can’t recall a time when I have ever said to a person, “God wants you to know …” I talk to people and I encourage them but I don’t preface that encouragement with, “This is a message from the Lord!” I’m not sure I see the benefit in it. I think some folks believe it gives them credibility. That it makes them ultra-spiritual in the eyes of the person who is listening to them. I think it may have the opposite effect. If you talk to me with honesty, sincerity and love then I will assume that it’s God speaking through you. I just don’t think you need to say it.

Countdown to Race Day (5)

2011-07-24T22:19:00.003-04:00

It would appear that I've lost 2 lbs. But I can't really count this. The first weigh-in was in the evening after a full day of eating. So, we'll see what happens next Sunday morning.

It was a great Sunday. I did 4.5 miles this morning and it was a struggle but I got through it. I did some sprinting drills in order to increase my speed. I really thought I was going to pass out. The rest of the day I spent relaxing.

Today's Meals

Breakfast - power bar, banana
Snack - piece of havarti cheese
Lunch - 5 large cheese ravioli w/sauce
Snack - small plum
Dinner - roasted chicken, asparagus, mashed potatoes, 2 glasses of sauvingon blanc
Dessert - Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich

Today's Workout
Ran 4.5 miles

Countdown to Race Day (4)

2011-07-23T23:19:00.002-04:00

Today's Meals

I inadvertently went all vegetarian today. Imagine that ...

Pre-run fuel - power bar
After run snack - nectarine
Snack - 11 pita crisps with roasted red pepper hummus
Lunch - Chef salad w/greens, 2 hard cooked eggs, dried cranberries, golden raisins, kalamata olives, croutons and greek viniagrette dressing
Dinner - I swiped this recipe from the BGR! site. Orzo, pine nuts and spinach. It was okay. Probably won't be making it again. But now what am I supposed to do with all these pine nuts?
Dessert - Skinny Cow chocolate truffle ice cream bar

Today's workout:
Ran 2.25 miles

Countdown to Race Day (3)

2011-07-22T23:59:00.001-04:00

Today's Meals

Breakfast - bowl of Great Grains w/2% milk, green tea
Snack - 6 townhouse crackers
Lunch - leftover dinner (chicken w/olive, raisins and spinach rice)
Dinner - grilled ham and cheese sandwich on whole grain bread and a small side salad
Dessert - Skinny Cow chocolate truffle ice cream bar (only 100 calories!!!)

Today's Workout
Runner's "Fast Abs" workout - 2 sets (superman, metronome, bridge, plank lift and side plank)

Diet and Exercise

2011-07-22T09:21:00.003-04:00

I did not run this morning. I had my running clothes laid out and my alarm set but when I woke up, my mind wasn't willing to do what my body wanted to. So I turned off the light and lay in bed for another hour. And that's okay. I find that when my mind and body are not on the same page the results are not what I want them to be. If I run when I don't want to, then the entire time I'm mad and wishing it was over. Conversely, when my mind is right -- it's all good. I'll do my two miles on Saturday and then 4.5 on Sunday.

I'm finding that I think twice about eating something since I know that I have to write it down. Not just because I'm writing it down for ya'll but just the act of writing it down makes me think twice. I can eat an entire sleeve of townhouse crackers at a sitting. But to write that down? **shudders** No sir. That's why I had six yesterday and wrote it down. I felt yucky having to write down that I ate hot wings yesterday. But it was only two. **shrugs** I'm not perfect and if I deprive myself too much than I will just grow resentful and on August 21st I will splurge like an addict. I'm really trying to improve my lifestyle, not just do this for a race. I'm going grocery shopping today and my menu for next week will be much better. Lots of fruits and veggies. Nothing fried. Hold the gravy. Mmmmmm gravy ...

What was I saying?

Countdown to Race Day (2)

2011-07-21T23:56:00.002-04:00

Today's Meals

Breakfast - power bar, banana, green tea

Snack - 6 Reduced fat townhouse crackers

Lunch - Leftovers from last night's dinner, chicken breast w/olives, raisins and spinach rice

Snack - 1 small plum

Not Really Dinner - 1 piece of flatbread with hummus, havarti cheese, 2 hot wings, grilled veggies, glass of red wine

Water all day

Today's Workout
Ran 2.15 miles

All the News That's Fit to Print

2011-07-21T08:19:00.004-04:00

I had to do another post because seeing my weight pop up first thing is just not cute.

So yeah, what's going on with ya'll?

The space shuttle landed for the very last time this morning and tomorrow hundreds of pink slips will be issued to the employees of NASA Langley.

Mrs. Obama will be in my city today. She'll be touring a youth summer camp and attending a screening of the new Har.ry Pot.ter flick.

How does this happen? A city employee collects a salary and benefits in the amount of $320,000 over a 12-year period and did not show up for work one single day. It was announced this morning that criminal charges would not be filed. I agree that criminal charges should not be filed ... she wasn't the one that issued the checks. She just reaped the benefits of the City's stupidity. But for real, I wonder how in the world she sleeps at night.

Yo! It's hot! At 5:30 this morning the humidity was enough to make me want to cuss.

What is up with all these shark attacks? How about we just stay out of the water?

What's going on in your area?

Countdown to Race Day (1)

2011-07-20T23:44:00.001-04:00

This will not be my normal weigh-in day and time but I needed a starting point. My offical weigh-ins will be on Sunday mornings.

Goals

Lose 5 lbs

Lose 2 inches off my waist

Complete the 5k (3.1 miles) in less than 30 minutes

The strategy is to strengthen my core, get rid of the extra fat around my midsection and improve my form in order to pick up speed.

Today's Meals

Breakfast - 1 banana, 6 oz Greek yogurt, green tea

Lunch - 1/2 cup of Frito corn salad

Snack - small plum

Dinner - Chicken breast with olives, raisins and spinach rice, glass of white wine

Drank water all day

Today's Workout: 2 sets

Superman - 10 reps

Bridge - 10 reps

Metronome - 10 reps

Plank Lift

Side Plank

By the way, did you know that one piece of flat bread is 260 calories??? Yeah, I didn't. Today's diet was not that great but I didn't plan to have a meltdown in the middle of the week.

Food Remorse

2011-07-20T08:43:00.003-04:00

Confession: I have very little self-control when it comes to food.

Last night I was at a get-together with friends and as most friends do at get-togethers, we ate. That was the purpose of us getting together. And when I say, “we ate”, I mean we really ate. I had ribs (two servings), chicken, grilled vegetables, Greek salad, Frito corn salad (two servings) and a piece of chocolate pie.

When I woke up this morning I was either still full or feeling too guilty to eat. I had a banana and now I’m sipping on some green tea. And I missed my regular sunrise run at 5:30.

Sometimes I just want to kick myself. Every single day I look at my abs and curse myself for not working harder and yet I sit down to a meal that further sabotages me.

Seriously, who does that???

I have been consistently running 3-4 times a week, every week but the scale doesn’t move and I know it’s because I can’t stop stuffing my face. The only reason I don’t gain weight is because of the running but I have got to do more, Man!

There’s a race on August 20th that I thought about running but after my lack of success in my last run I was hesitant to sign up. Who needs the pressure? I could feel myself falling back into my usual complacency. Well, this morning I signed up. I am going to revamp my diet, add serious core training to my workouts, drop 5 lbs and kick this race’s ass.

A while back I participated in a weight loss challenge and lost 5 lbs in 30 days. I was exercising but it was all about the diet. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.

I cannot continue to do the same things over and over again and expect different results. What’s that called, again? Oh yeah … INSANITY.

So, for the next month, you guys are going to keep me accountable whether you want to or not. I'll be posting my weight, what I'm eating and my workouts up until race day.

Enough is enough.

What I'm Reading - When We Danced On Water

2011-07-19T08:46:00.004-04:00

I can't remember the last time a book made me scream. When we Danced on Water, did just that. Watch for the video review.

A Safe Place

2011-07-18T10:19:00.002-04:00

This weekend’s sermon was entitled “We All Need a Safe Place” and the text was taken from John 8:2-11. It’s the familiar story about Jesus forgiving the adulterous woman.

We know that it was the Pharisees’ intent to set Jesus up and trap him into doing or saying something that was against the Law. The woman was caught in the very act and they wanted to see if Jesus would uphold the Law. (Sidenote: The law was misinterpreted. The Law stated that both the man and the woman should be brought to justice, not just the woman.)

This story exemplifies how Jesus provided a safe place for this woman even though she was guilty. Her guilt is not in question here. She was guilty but Jesus provided a safe place anyway. He did not condemn her and he does not condemn us.

The sermon described “a safe place” in three ways:

1 – A safe place is a place of mercy. Mercy is when we don’t get what we deserve.
2 – A safe place is a place of worth. The Lord values us and we need to learn to value ourselves.
3 – A safe place is a place of new beginnings. Even though we are guilty, if we sincerely repent God will grant us a new beginning. Anyone in Christ is a new creature. We are allowed to change.

I think about my own life and I recognize that I have always lived in a safe environment. I can’t think of a time when I didn’t feel safe. I grew up in a safe home and I’ve tried to provide a safe home for my own children. A place where they know they don’t have anything to worry about. A place that provides mercy. A place where they are encouraged and valued so they know their worth. A place where if they make a mistake, it won’t be held against them forever. A refuge. A place of peace. My home is the one place I can go to and really exhale.

I recognize that there are people in the world that do not enjoy that kind of safety. There is so much discord and strife in our society. There are women who are terrified to be in their own homes. There are men who would rather be anywhere else but in their homes. It’s sad.

I’m praying today that your home is your refuge. That it is your safe place.

The Weekly Meal Plan

2011-07-15T11:32:00.002-04:00

I enjoy cooking but I’m not the most creative cook in the kitchen and I get tired of cooking and eating the same things over and over again.

I want someone to develop a menu for me and create a shopping list. If they would do the shopping and cooking that would be okay too.

So, in my search I stumbled across this site and it appears to be everything I’m looking for – minus the shopping and the cooking.

This week I’m planning to have:

Chicken with Olives, Raisins and Spinach Rice
Margherita Pizza
Slow Cooker Beef Stroganoff
Grilled Ham and Cheese with Pears
Real Simple Lasagna

I was able to print the recipes and the shopping list and I’m ready to go to the store.

The thing I like most about these meals is that I know I’ll have guaranteed leftovers for lunch (stroganoff and lasagna) and the pizza and sandwich days are easy easy easy.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Here Comes the Freight Train!

2011-07-14T08:24:00.002-04:00

Subtlety is not one of my strong suits. I’m working on it though. I’m discovering that subtlety is a trait that is admired in the corporate world. I suppose that is something I should have discovered about twenty years ago. Oh well, I may be a slow learner but I do learn.

I’m not a person without filters. I don’t believe in brutal honesty because anything with the word “brutal” is just mean. For example, if you ask me if I think your butt has gotten bigger, I’ll probably look at you sideways and then ask you, “bigger than what?” Which is better than what I did a few years ago to a co-worker. I saw her at the elevator one day and I said, “Seriously, if you need to keep pulling that skirt down, maybe you need a bigger size.” Not cool. She hasn’t spoken to me since.

I have always operated under the impression that people want to hear the truth. I have also believed the misconception that adults can handle the truth. How foolish am I? Anyway, because of my impatience I find it difficult to formulate a politically correct way of saying something. So my options are either give it to you straight or keep my mouth shut. Lately, I’ve been keeping my mouth shut. But there are problems with that tactic as well. No response can give the impression of ambivalence or uncaring. Or worse yet, being uninformed. That’s a death sentence in corporate America. Conversely, giving it to you straight has me branded as the stereotypical “angry Black woman”.

Why can’t I just do my job? Seriously, all I want to do is the job that I am being paid to do. I’m too old for all the office politics. Not too old, really … I honestly just don’t care. I just want to do my job.

Today's Truth

2011-07-13T18:49:00.002-04:00

Truth: It feels as though my workload has increased exponentially since I returned from vacation.

Isn't that always the way, though? I dread coming back from vacation and having to trudge through hundreds of emails. Even though I had someone cover my desk, he can't do everything and maintain his own workload. I've been working like a Hebrew slave ever since I got back. No time for my usual slacking to blog, check facebook or twitter ... oh well, what am I supposed to do, not take vacations? Not gonna happen. I'm hoping I'll be caught up by the end of the week.

Truth: I am never going to have the body I want if I don't work harder.

Okay, but here's the thing: I'm terrible at self-motivation. I know what I need to do. I need to develop a cross-training routine which includes strength training as well as be a little more disciplined with my diet. I know that but do you think I'll just do it? Sometimes I suck. Not all the time, but sometime. My problem is that when I look in the mirror, I kinda like what I see. It's not the body I want but it's not bad. It's actually pretty good -- so where do I get the motivation? Suggestions welcome.

Truth: I have to push myself if I'm going to get out of the 2-3 mile comfort zone.

I want to improve my speed and distance but when I start to feel uncomfortable during my run, I'm ready to stop. So, here's the thing: I met my 5k goal (sort of) so I'm losing my motivation to get better. Again, sometimes I suck.

Truth: I cannot be my kid's safety net forever.

It is not my responsibility to put gas in my 21-year old's car. I know his employment situation has been shaky for the past couple of months but he seems to do everything he wants to do but when it comes to stuff he needs to do (like put gas in his car) he expects me to pick up the slack. I'm tired. He needs to figure it out. When I was his age I had to figure out how to pay rent, utilities, car payment and gas, plus feed and clothe myself. He'll be okay.

Truth: If I don't completely leave the past behind, I will never successfully walk into my future.

Enough said.

):

2011-07-10T08:58:00.002-04:00

Last day of vacation.
Back to work tomorrow.
What's on tap for today?
Not sure ... probably a whole lotta nothing.
Bookstore ... cooking ... eating ... reading .... TrueBlood

I didn't get up and run today and now I wish I had. I'm not running in the heat.

Blah.

Racing on the 4th of July

2011-07-05T08:20:00.002-04:00

For your viewing pleasure.

I was glad that my daughter was there to video the race for me. But watching myself is not the prettiest of sights. All I see is bad form. On most days, I don't feel my age but watching this video I feel every single one of those years.

Whatever. The fact is, I'm happiest when I'm running. Imperfect form and all.

Just gives me something to work on.

See you at the next race.

Staycation

2011-06-30T09:18:00.002-04:00

I’m off next week. I didn’t plan anything. This time last year I went away for a few days to a beautiful spa and had a lovely time. It would have been my seventh anniversary with my ex but instead I decided to celebrate my independence. I enjoyed delicious food, relaxing spa treatments and beautiful scenery.

This year, I didn’t plan a thing. I thought about it, but I couldn’t. I enjoy traveling and I enjoy doing things on my own because it certainly has its advantages. But honestly, I’m tired of doing things by myself. That is my life for the time being and I will take advantage of it. There will be a time when I’ll long for some alone time. Right now, I have plenty.

Next week I’ll be running my second 5k and I’m hoping to improve my time. Besides that, I plan to spend some time at the beach. I plan to do a lot of reading and a reasonable amount of writing.

What about you? What are your plans for the 4th?

Overheard at the Kingdom

2011-06-28T09:28:00.002-04:00

Princess: Ma, you know what’s worse than being hated?

Queen: What is worse than being hated?

Princess: Being ignored.

A lengthy discussion between the Princess and the Queen take place but is not being shared in order to protect the privacy of the Princess.

Princess: You can be so wise when you want to be.

Queen: Ya think?

I love my daughter. I have longed for the day when she felt comfortable enough to just start conversations with me about what is going on in her life. It took longer than I would have liked and I know that she doesn’t share everything but I’m getting more than I ever gave to my mother. Initially, the conversations with my daughter weren’t even conversations. They were lectures. I didn’t like it but I needed to say some things to her so she could never come back and say, “You never told me!” I have discovered that even during those times when I thought she wasn’t listening, she was listening. That’s why we, as parents, have got to keep talking. Honestly, I get sick of the sound of my own voice sometimes but I have to keep talking. I have to let her know that I am here and that I care.

I remember at the beginning of her junior year she told me that she was going to drop her Chemistry class because it was just going to be too hard. I told her that it would be a mistake to do that. I told her that she was not giving herself enough credit. I told her that she was smart enough to take the class and pass it but she needed to stop being so lazy. She didn’t say anything and I thought she would end up dropping the class anyway. She did not drop the class and she passed with a B. That’s my girl.

There were times when I thought I couldn’t do it. Raise a daughter, I mean. Karma is something real and I just felt all my teenaged tomfoolery was going to come back at me tenfold. We’ve had our moments and we’ll probably have a few more but I’m not worried. She’s a lovely girl with a big heart and I envy her ability to let go of trivial things and not hold grudges. Not sure where she gets that but I’m glad she has it.

This parenting journey is an interesting one. Probably the best thing I've ever done or will ever do in my entire life. I didn't think about these moments when I was pregnant or changing diapers or going to well-baby appointments. I thought those days were hard but they were actually a cake walk compared to raising teenagers. Definitely not for the weak.

Are You Content?

2011-06-27T08:26:00.002-04:00

I have lived under the impression that the only way to be truly content is to always be reaching for the next big thing. I find myself often asking, “what’s next?”

I have recently discovered that always reaching, always striving does not make me content at all. It makes me frustrated. It makes me anxious. It makes me unhappy.

I am learning to be content with my life exactly the way it is. I am content being single. I am content with my employment situation. I am content with my kids in the house. I am content in my spirit.

That does not mean that I don’t want more.

What it means is that I can accept that things will change when they change. God’s ways are higher than my ways and God’s thoughts are higher than my thoughts. His timing is perfect.

And while I’m waiting I will be content.

Walking around frustrated because I can’t have “it” now is putting lines on my face.

It’s just not worth it.

Walking around trying to figure out how I can manipulate different situations so they turn out for my good is foolish and exhausting.

I’m exhaling.

I am content.

Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content. (1 Timothy 6:6-8)

It's the Weekend Again!

2011-06-24T10:15:00.005-04:00

It has finally happened. I am finally experiencing that “feeling” that runners talk about. You know, that happy, high feeling. I love it. Especially because it lasts almost all day. Without the slightest hangover. I did not run yesterday and I actually felt myself slipping into a weird place in the late afternoon. Not good. Got up this morning and did my two miles and now I can’t even remember why I was feeling sad yesterday. Well, I remember, but I don’t understand why I let something so trivial affect me.

Anyway, the weekend is here and it couldn’t have come a moment too soon. It’s going to be one of those weekends where almost every second is filled. I haven’t had one of those in a while so I suppose I was due.

Tonight I’ll be at the Art's Cafe to hear some jazz performed by the Relationship Jazz Ensemble featuring Jeremy Perigo. Really looking forward to this as I haven’t been really out in ages.

On Saturday I’ll be having dinner at Tautog’s in Virginia Beach. The last time I went out for seafood, it totally sucked. I should have known better. Hopefully, this place will be much better. I’ve read nothing but good reviews and I’ll be adding my review next week.

And speaking of restaurant reviews, I was contacted by Restauranteers because they want to feature my food blog on their site and list me as a top blogger. That’s pretty cool. I always appreciate an opportunity have someone else read what I have to say.

On Sunday I’m planning a long run. “Long” meaning at least 3 miles. I haven’t run that distance since the 5k on the 4th. I’ve been hovering at about 2 miles. I have to make sure that my mind and body are right for the next 5k on the 4th of July which is just … 10 days away! Yikes!

After my run, it’s going to be ALL about me: hair, nails, reading, writing, roasting a chicken, sipping on a nice wine and waiting for the season premiere of my favorite show: TrueBLOOD. If you haven’t seen the show, you really should give it a shot. I love it.

I mentioned above that I’ll be doing some writing. I started a manuscript a few years back (tentatively titled: Going Home) and then I became blocked. I picked it up again recently and printed out my 127 pages and began reading and editing it. I really like the story and I’m feeling inspired to complete it. Yay! There just may be another book in me. Who knew? By the way, I’ve started doing book reviews on The Next Chapter. I just reviewed Medium Raw by Anthony Bourdain. Good pick, check it out.

The weekend is going to be jam packed. I think I also have to find some time to get a movie in. Anyway, I hope you enjoy your weekend.

One thing I discovered this week: I spend too much time thinking about what I want and not enough time rejoicing about all the things that I already have. And I have quite a bit.

Love you guys and thanks for reading!

From Treadmill to Track to Trails

2011-06-22T12:51:00.003-04:00

I was up at 4:45 this morning.

Black Girls Run! Are in my area and we had a scheduled run this morning at 5:30 at Mt. Trashmore. The run went so well that we’re going to get together every Wednesday for this sunrise run.

Cool.

Ever since I started running I ran alone and I really appreciate being able to run with other people. No pressure, just motivation. I was scared that I would be left in the dust of all these seasoned runners. Turns out, some have only been running for as long as I have. They are all talking about running half marathons – and I’m totally not on that level but who knows? Apparently, there is a half-marathon in Puerto Rico in November that they are interested in. I’d love to go to Puerto Rico. Running a half marathon? I’ll get back to you on that one.

I find it amazing the progress that I’m making. From casual running on a treadmill to running around the track to running real trails. For me, it’s a metaphor for life. One step leads to another and before you know it, you’re farther than you ever imagined you would be.

Friday! Friday!

2011-06-17T09:42:00.004-04:00

Happy Friday everyone!

What's the weather like where you're at? It rained this morning but it is slowly clearing up and the heat is scheduled to return this weekend. A trip to the beach may be in order. You know, I haven't even bought a new bathing suit this year and I'm not sure I want to wear the one from last year ... oh well, it's not like I'll be swimming or anything.

I was supposed to run this morning but when the alarm went off, I decided not to. No excuses. I just didn't feel like it. I'm determined to make running fun again. I'll be out there tomorrow.

Today is the last day of school and I know I have a long summer ahead of me. A summer of kids with too much time on their hands. The good news is, both of them have part-time jobs so they won't have as much time as summer's past. My daughter is really beginning to enjoy receiving a paycheck with her name on it. There's nothing like earning your own money. Good for her.

I ordered two books yesterday: When We Danced on Water by Evan Fallenberg and How I Stole Johnny Depp's Alien Girlfriend by Gary Ghislain. Reviews to follow. I just finished Silver Sparrow by Tayri Jones. Awesome book which I highly recommend. I finished that one in less than two days. It's the story of a bigamist. He has two wives and two daughters who are very close in age. The "inside" family knows nothing about the "outside" family and the "outside" family knows everything about the inside family. (Inside family = family he lives with, Outside family = family he doesn't live with). The story is split into two parts and told from the perspective of each of the daughters. If you've been reading me for any length of time than you know that my first husband was also a bigamist and you know that I am an "outside" child. I was drawn to this book from the very first paragraph.

Not too much else happening here. Enjoy your weekend. Do something special for your fathers and/or husbands for Father's Day. Happy 22nd wedding anniversay to my sister!

Talk to you soon.

"Hate" is such a Strong Word

2011-06-14T11:01:00.002-04:00

I often ask myself, “How did you get yourself into this?”

I’m talking about running. I’ve never really been the athletic or outdoorsy type so why am I outside at 6:00 am running?

It started the day that I forgot to add an incline to my treadmill workout and discovered that I could run for longer than 5 minutes. I continued to push myself until I was running three miles. I was so proud of myself. Bragging and whatnot.

Then someone had the bright idea that I could run a 5k. I believed that someone and here we are.

Last night while talking to my best friend, a marathon runner, he mentioned that he loves running. I told him that I did not love it, in fact, I hate it. I want to get to the point where I love it. But right now, I hate it. It’s beating me and that’s why I hate it.

Why do I do it? Well, that’s easy … I set a goal for myself and I cannot quit until I reach that goal. I will not let the numbers on a clock defeat me. It’s like the number “35” is mocking me and I won’t let it win.

I’m sure I sound like a nut.

I’m spending hours searching the internet for tips and techniques to increase my speed. Bottom line: I need to run faster. There are no shortcuts (LeBron). I have to do the work, put in the time, suffer through the sweat and soreness and do the damn thing. I’m reading all these blogs written by these totally awesome women who LOVE running and are accomplishing great things. They inspire me so much. I want to be part of that group. All these chicks are several years younger than me, but so what? I may be a late starter but for me, it’s not about how you start it’s about how you finish and I plan to finish strong.

Living by the Numbers

2011-06-12T07:47:00.004-04:00

I've resisted the urge to have a scale in the house because I knew that I would become obsessed with the number. Well, I gave in to the urge yesterday and bought a scale. As expected, I've weighed myself at least half a dozen times.

I bought the scale because I was feeling heavy and I wanted to confirm my suspicions that I had gained weight. I usually weighed myself at the gym and for months the number never moved. It remained at 141.

The mind is a strange and wonderful thing. I have been running at least three times a week for more than two months but my mind was telling me that I was heavy. My clothes weren't tight or uncomfortable. But I still had this nagging feeling. So I bought the scale.

The good news is, I haven't gained weight. In fact, I lost weight. I'm not sure how much because I've been on the scale six times and the number keeps changing. If I go by the number that I saw when I woke up this morning, then I've lost about 4 pounds. If I go by the number that I saw most often than I've lost about 2.5 pounds.

Who knows?

I got up this morning and ran my 3 miles and my time was consistent with the 5k time: 35 minutes.

I'll be celebrating my 47th birthday in 4 months.

I'm going to make a list of things I want to accomplish before I hit 50. 50? OMG.