tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28901038928968137372024-03-05T00:38:23.566-05:00DiscoveriesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1141125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-3139643811523473152022-07-10T06:00:00.005-04:002022-07-10T07:50:12.877-04:00Day 365 <p> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">One
full year of alcohol freedom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was it
everything I thought it would be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
not sure. Not drinking was easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
thing that was difficult was making the decision to stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Making that decision took a few years but
once I decided there was no turning back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am super proud of myself for making this decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I have stated several times, there were no
rock-bottom moments, no legal trouble and no public humiliation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only the nagging thought in my own mind that
I was drinking too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That I was
slowly killing myself with alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
dull, fuzzy moments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The dry, lifeless
look my skin had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hangovers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lack of motivation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The interesting thing about it is that I did
not notice how bad it had gotten until after I stopped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like the first time I put on a pair of
glasses and was able to see clearly for the first time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not miss alcohol and I do not have
cravings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although sometimes I do
remember beautiful moments that involved alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The visits to the King Family Vineyard for
wine tasting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sitting on my patio with
an ex and listening to old R&B music while sipping on a nice red that I had
chosen while having a good conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But that’s all they were … moments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And if I’ve learned anything it’s that you cannot build a fulfilling life
around small, fleeting moments.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">The
past 365 days have been enlightening and amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I have accomplished things that I
never would have if I was still operating under the alcohol haze. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alcohol zapped me of any energy I once had and
when I stopped drinking, I wanted to take on projects and actually accomplish
things.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">I
am exercising and eating right and have been able to maintain the weight I lost
back in the Spring of 2021.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started
the journey to lose weight right before I quit drinking and found that I lost
even more weight once I put down the bottle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">I
am meditating regularly and loving it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
first, it was a struggle, but I conditioned myself to stop forcing something to
happen and I simply leaned into my ability to sit and breathe without
expectation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meditation is helping me to
stay focused on the present and not allowing random thoughts to distract me
from what is going on right in front of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">I
took on the task of decluttering my home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After decluttering my mind, taking on the task of my home was a piece of
cake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I boxed up DVDs, CDs and books and
donated them to either good will or The Book Exchange.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was so freeing to be rid of things that I
have been hanging onto for so long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Seriously, why did I still have CDs?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">I
have rediscovered my love for writing and reading for pleasure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is huge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have always loved writing but was also very hard on myself because it
does not come easily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But here’s the
thing … it does not come easily for any writer!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What a revelation that was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So,
I’m writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m actually working on a
collection of short stories and perhaps one day you will find my collection
wherever you buy books.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One thing I know
for sure is that writers read and since I had gotten rid of most of my books it
was time to use the credit I received from the Book Exchange and pick up a few
more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here is a list of what I have read
over the past few months:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">On
Writing</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">, by Stephen King<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">Just After Sunset</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">,
by Stephen King<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">Interpreter
of Maladies, </span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">by Jhumpa Lahiri<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">Whereabouts</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">,
by Jhumpa Lahiri<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">Midnight
& Indigo, </span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">edited by Ianna A. Small<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">How
to Breathe Underwater</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">, by Julie Orringer<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">A
House Among the Trees,</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;"> by Julia Glass<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">Among
the Ten Thousand Things</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">, by Julia Pierpont<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">A
Gate at the Stairs, </span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">by Lorrie Moore<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">Lily’s
Song</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">,
Susan Gabriel<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">The
Most Beautiful Book in the World</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">, by Eric-Emmanuel
Schmitt<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">Writers
and Lovers</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">, by Lily King<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">Rutting
Season</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">, by Mandeliene Smith<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">The
Love of a Good Woman</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">, by Alice Munro<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">The
Untethered Soul</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">, by Michael A. Singer<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">Living
Untethered beyond the Human Predicament</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 200%;">, by Michael Singer<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">The
Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">I’m
confident that by the end of 2022 the list will be much longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The time that I am able to spend on the patio
with a book are some of the best moments of the past 365 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My patio is my sanctuary – usually on Sunday
mornings in the spring and summer when it’s not too hot and there is a nice
breeze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">All
this reading is helping with my writing, but I also know that there are other
things I need to do like take a writing workshop and get feedback on what I’ve
written.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Writing is a solo activity but
at some point, I am going to have to turn the pages over and get real, constructive
feedback.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Since I stopped drinking, I am more
and more aware of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m aware that I’m
very close to 60 years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very close
to retirement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very close to death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve wasted a lot of time in a drunken fog,
and I refuse to allow another day, week, month or year go by without working on
my purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;">I
am in such a good place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A place that I
do not believe I ever would have arrived at if I had a bottle in my hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m grateful for this life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m grateful for my past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m grateful for the lessons and I am
grateful for the future and for whatever it holds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large; line-height: 200%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></i></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-21045650871364383702022-06-08T07:57:00.000-04:002022-06-08T07:57:20.490-04:00Day 333<p>Closing in on 11 months.
Yesterday two “interesting” things happened. Interesting to me, at least.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">First, a friend that I haven’t spoken to in probably a year
called out of the blue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honestly, I
contemplated sending her to voicemail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nothing against her, she’s a lovely person but I’m just not a fan of talking
on the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a rule, I roll my eyes when
my phone rings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should probably stop that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anywho, I decided to take the call and she
told me that I had been on her mind for several days and she just thought she
should check in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to be her
personal trainer and she recently went back to the gym so she thought about
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She moved recently and was unpacking
boxes and found my book and she thought about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She finally decided that there was a reason
why I kept coming to mind and she decided to call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve done that before. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes a
person keeps appearing in my mind and I am compelled to hear their voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was nice to catch up with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had gone through some health issues and
other traumatic events and after we spoke, I just prayed for her.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Secondly, after work I had to make a quick stop at the
grocery store and this guy stopped me and asked if I was single and when I said
“yes” he asked if we could talk and get to know each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That has happened to me a few times in this
very grocery store but not in several years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was flattering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His shopping
cart looked like he was either shopping for a family of 10 or he was an
insta-cart shopper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was weird.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He appeared to be at least 10+ years younger
than me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should have pointed that out
during the conversation in the store instead of exchanging phone numbers with
him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would have saved me an evening
of anxiously looking at my phone waiting for a call/text that would never come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is wrong with me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have no desire to date or be in a relationship,
but like I said, I was flattered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Realistically, I cannot even imagine how that conversation would have
gone. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Everything happens for a reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot for the life of me tell you what
that reason is but perhaps it will be revealed at a later date.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In any case, I had a good night’s sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got up at 4AM and went to the gym as usual
and now I’m at work celebrating 333 days of alcohol freedom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I saw a meme a while ago that was essentially bashing people
who say they are sober, and yet they drink kombucha.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was like “what the hell?”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s wrong with kombucha?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a lot of judgement in these various
communities, and it gets on my nerves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It reminds me of when I first decided to big chop and go natural.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Natural” was defined in so many different
ways and again, there was judgement if you didn’t fit into a certain box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can we all just stop judging each other and
allow people to live their lives in a way that makes them happy and doesn’t
hurt anybody else?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That’s what I’m thinking about on Day 333.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Currently reading:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>A
Gate at the Stairs</i> by Lorrie Moore<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-81750403828024907722022-05-10T08:14:00.000-04:002022-05-10T08:14:29.767-04:00Day 304<p> Ten months of alcohol freedom. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Why do I call it <i>alcohol freedom</i> instead of <i>sobriety</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all about my perception and my
relationship with alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I associate
the idea of being sober or sobriety with those who identify as alcoholics, and
I do not identify myself in that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe I’m wrong or in denial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I identify
as someone who misused alcohol and I discovered that I am not someone who can
drink in moderation -- and even if I could, why would I? I realize that (for me) alcohol was not doing me any favors. Even in moderation I would experience hangovers, bloating, puffiness under my eyes and an unexplainable lethargy. So, why bother? Therefore, it was
best to quit altogether.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alcoholism is a
chronic disease characterized by uncontrolled dependence on alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would not say that I had an uncontrolled
dependence on alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was more of a
mindless habit that if I continued with would most assuredly have turned into
dependence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe I was probably on
the road to alcoholism but got off a few stops before reaching that destination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My life changed ten months ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stopped asking myself the question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>am I drinking too much? And got real honest
and said “yes” and decided to stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don’t miss it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t crave it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t need it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughter came to visit a few weeks ago and
asked if it would be a problem if she brought wine into the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her it would not be a problem and that
she could do whatever she wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
other words, her enjoying a glass of wine was not a trigger and she was not
crossing any boundaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is an interesting journey for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part of me would really like to be part of a “sober
community”, but my story does not seem to fit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I never had a “rock bottom” moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No DUIs or embarrassment surrounding alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I simply decided that it was not good for my wellbeing
and I quit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like since my story
isn’t tragic enough, I would not fit into one of those communities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s probably for the best … hanging out with
large groups of strangers isn’t really my thing.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, I’m coming up on my one year anniversary and I will
more than likely stop counting days after 365 and start counting years.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Day 304<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Currently reading:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>Whereabouts,
</i>by Jhumpa Lahiri<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-29678090926380336412022-04-26T09:12:00.002-04:002022-04-26T09:13:23.768-04:00Day 290<p>During a conversation with a friend, I made the statement
that our lives operate in seasons. Just
like winter, spring, summer, and fall.
Some of our seasons are long and some are short, but the one thing that
they all have in common is that they do not last forever. I saw some posts over the weekend from a fellow
figure competitor. She was on stage and
posing and looking amazing and it immediately brought me back to my competition
days and I couldn’t believe that I was once so into that lifestyle. It was everything to me and if you knew me in
real life during that time, you would certainly agree. Every word that came out of my mouth had to
do with either lifting weights, eating (or not eating) and sleeping. How is it that something that once consumed every
fiber of my being is now just a nice memory?
It’s because our lives operate in seasons. No matter how hard we try to make certain
things last forever, it is my opinion that nothing was meant to last forever. I believe that many of us experience varying
levels of anxiety because we are trying to hold on to things, people or
experiences forever when they were only meant to last for a season. Why are we so afraid of change? Why is letting go an issue? </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What does any of this have to do with being alcohol-free for
290 days?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, I think about my lifestyle when I
was drinking. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is, when I was
drinking socially and made alcohol part of experiences and not sitting alone in
my house night after night consuming bottle after bottle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pre-pandemic alcohol consumption was
different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was, dare I say, fun?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not miss the alcohol and have found
healthier ways to treat my body and my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Letting go took a few tries but I finally did it and I realize more and more
that when that little voice is telling me it is time to move on there should be
little hesitation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The longer you wait,
the longer you are delaying the “something better” that is right around the
corner.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">290 days.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">Currently reading: <i>A House Among the Trees</i> by Julia Glass</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-67978601065397570562022-04-10T08:53:00.001-04:002022-04-10T08:53:42.976-04:00Day 274 <p> Nine months, baby!</p><p>I am closing in on a full year of alcohol freedom! How cool is that? Very cool.</p><p>Last week my daughter came down for a visit and we had a great time together. During the visit, she asked me if it would be a problem for me if she brought a bottle of wine in the house. Without hesitation, I told her that it would be fine. And it was. I drank my tea, and she drank her wine, and all was well in the world. </p><p>I love this time of year. Winter is trying to hold on by throwing the random chilly evening my way, but Spring is a fighter and will prove to be victorious. I bought a new chaise lounge for the patio which is the perfect place to read in the afternoons. I also bought a hammock, but the hammock has no back support and when the random bumble bee or wasp shows up, I struggle to get out of the hammock and run! I'll keep the hammock though, who knows ... maybe I'll go camping one day and it will come in handy. I doubt it, but stranger things have been known to happen. What I'm saying is that I will leave my options open. Always leave your options open.</p><p>I am currently reading <i>Lily's Song </i>by Susan Gabriel. </p><p>Day 274.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-25760941071341975032022-04-01T07:26:00.000-04:002022-04-01T07:26:20.647-04:00Day 265<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Two hundred sixty-five days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m 100 days away from an entire year of
alcohol freedom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not recall when I
took my first drink, but I remember clearly when I took my last one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was July 9<sup>th</sup>, 2021, and I drank
a bottle of prosecco in my living room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That was the day that I said goodbye to alcohol for good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t sure at the time if it would be
forever or not but I’m sure now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will
be forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s still one day at a time
and I’m not immune to a “slip” but the thought of starting at Day 1 again
depresses me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hear stories of people
who relapse, and I just don’t want to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No judgement, of course – I know life happens and we have to give
ourselves and others grace when it does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Today though … today I am 100 days away from a full
year without drinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m really happy
and proud of myself for taking this on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s April 1<sup>st</sup> and it is finally getting warmer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m hoping to clean up my lawn this weekend
and set up my patio furniture in preparation for longer days out there reading
books and eating meals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Currently reading</span></u><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Just After Sunset</span></i><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">,
by Stephen King<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Interpreter of Maladies</span></i><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">,
by Jhumpa Lahiri<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Midnight and Indigo</span></i><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">,
edited by Ianna A. Small<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">On Writing</span></i><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">,
by Stephen King<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Lesson learned after 265 days of alcohol
freedom:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Move in silence and let your
results speak for themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Palatino Linotype",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Day 265<o:p></o:p></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-11124080821432140732022-03-10T07:52:00.000-05:002022-03-10T07:52:04.260-05:00Day 243 (8 months)<p class="MsoNormal">8 months.<o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<p class="MsoNormal">What I have realized after 8 full months of alcohol-freedom
is that there is truth to the idea of enjoying the journey.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I stopped drinking I kind of felt that there would be immediate,
noticeable changes in my life. There
weren’t. I was disappointed and kept
looking for the immediate changes but what I realized was that in my quest to
look for the immediate I was ignoring the subtle.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Does that make sense?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Everything in life is a process and when we decide to slow
down and stop focusing on the destination, the journey, (i.e. the process) becomes
that much more enjoyable.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">All the changes that I was looking for: clearer skin, better sleep, better focus, etc.
have been achieved only now I realize that those changes simply opened the door to more changes. </p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Since my skin is clearer I don't feel the need to pile on the makeup, so I'm saving money. </li><li>Since I'm getting better sleep waking up at 4AM to work out is not a struggle, so I'm getting more exercise and enjoying it. </li><li>Since I'm more focused, I'm re-discovering things about myself that I thought were lost forever. </li></ul><p></p><p class="MsoNormal">The journey never stops. Each milestone reached is a step to another
milestone. When you think about it, when
you reach the final destination, it is the FINAL DESTINATION. I’m in no hurry to get there.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I just want to keep moving, growing and learning.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">243 days.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhXADNHe7tomWnwP3VfK57q-9y9uwEYx71QAhlQMB4d9AeJJYOGDmoaiYXjJ3ROH9OYMGTTFkosk1IBc2f_lu02oxasLNk5aQrF2202wmiw0CspiP2iuTqY8y0tDC8W-iGj5ex2gCvLPcGx7WYFffTsXC6noYN4-Y59j_-N9sSpR1fAogA2RaMhKXYR-Q=s1500" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhXADNHe7tomWnwP3VfK57q-9y9uwEYx71QAhlQMB4d9AeJJYOGDmoaiYXjJ3ROH9OYMGTTFkosk1IBc2f_lu02oxasLNk5aQrF2202wmiw0CspiP2iuTqY8y0tDC8W-iGj5ex2gCvLPcGx7WYFffTsXC6noYN4-Y59j_-N9sSpR1fAogA2RaMhKXYR-Q=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-24744179672298121582022-03-02T07:47:00.002-05:002022-03-02T07:47:27.804-05:00Day 235<p> “Forget what’s gone.
Appreciate what still remains.
Look forward to what’s coming next.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One of the best things about giving up alcohol is the
ability to think more clearly instead of seeing everything through an
alcohol-soaked haze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not something
that happens as soon as you put the bottle down, but it does happen over
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’ll be 58 years old this year and I don’t know what it’s “supposed”
to feel like, but I don’t feel old, and I don’t feel like I should be sitting
in a rocking chair somewhere waiting to die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I feel alive and vibrant and I’m looking forward to my future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still want to go places and I still want to
see things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still want to experience
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am laser-focused on retirement
and the big question is:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are you
gonna do once you’re not tied to a 9-5?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There is a line in the movie “Bridges of Madison County”
where Meryl Streep’s character talks about how a woman puts her dreams to the
side when she has children and how their dreams and their futures become the
focus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can agree with that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once I had children all my focus was on them
and after decades of not focusing on yourself you kind of forget how to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to believe that I had dreams once and
for a long time I struggled to even remember what those dreams were.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After 2 divorces, raising two children and 235 days of
alcohol freedom I think I remember.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">More to come …<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Day 235<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-24136202644833791602022-02-16T08:12:00.001-05:002022-02-16T08:12:43.858-05:00Day 221<p> 221 Days (7 months 6 days)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I use an app on my phone to keep track of the days of
alcohol freedom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the app there is a “community”
tab where other users communicate, and they share their triumphs as well as
their struggles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t participate but
I do read some of the comments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reading
the comments really puts my journey into perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of the users are really struggling and
being able to celebrate 7 months sober is a huge accomplishment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I applaud them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, each day is just another non-drinking
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alcohol was never something I “needed”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just something I wanted and during the pandemic it became a bad
habit that could have potentially turned into full blown alcoholism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank God that is not my story, but I will
continue to pray for those whose story it is.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-13125817704337763322022-01-12T10:12:00.000-05:002022-01-12T10:12:48.099-05:00Day 186<p> Six months and two days and I can honestly say that for the majority of this time I have not even had a craving. Until two days ago. For some reason, I cannot explain why, I was just feeling "blue". I didn't want to do anything but crawl into my bed at 6PM. And then for a second I thought about having a glass of wine. I didn't of course, but the thought was there. </p><p>In my grocery store, the wine section is right across from the produce. I pass the bottles each time I go to pick up my veggies. Is that weird? I pass by those bottles and don't give it a second thought but something about two days ago triggered me. It could be the seasonal depression -- it is cold as hell and of course I only see the sunshine through my office window. I don't know ... </p><p>Anyway, today I can proudly say that I am still a non-drinker. </p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-61031776130574732552021-11-10T13:14:00.000-05:002021-11-10T13:14:17.918-05:00Day 123 (4 months)<p>Why does 4 months seem like such a short period of time but it feels like forever ago since my last drink?</p><p>I'm super proud of the accomplishment. </p><p>I'm completely on auto-pilot and don't even think about drinking or not drinking. </p><p>I just don't drink.</p><p>Period.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-21873141838821162342021-10-27T08:08:00.000-04:002021-10-27T08:08:25.270-04:00Day 109<p>109 days.</p><p>3 months and 17 days.</p><p>It's almost the end of October. My birthday month. My vacation was amazing. I went to Park City, Utah, which apparently is famous for great skiing. I had no idea. I just wanted to travel someplace that I had never been. </p><p>The resort that I stayed in was beautiful and it even snowed while I was there. It's weird how much I hate the snow while I'm here at home, but while on vacation -- it was just lovely. I stayed in a one bedroom suite with a two bathrooms and a full kitchen. There were no restaurants on the property and since I'm a morning person I was excited to explore the city and find a new local place to have breakfast each day where I was served great food and coffee. I booked a massage and a facial at a local spa. And I found time to put my hiking boots to good use. </p><p>I love getting away and even though air travel is stressful to me because it can be so unpredictable, I didn't even mind that. However, since I now that it can be stressful I did everything I could to make it less so -- like splurging and flying first class. Totally worth it and I may never fly coach again.</p><p>This was my first alcohol-free birthday in forever. I'm getting to the point where not drinking is not something I even think about. I just don't do it. I may stop counting the days once I get to a year. </p><p>The holidays are approaching and for some people it may be an issue but I'm pretty sure I'll be fine. I have already decided that if my company has a holiday party this year, I'm not attending. After all, COVID is still in these streets -- we're wearing masks in the office so it doesn't make sense to be at a holiday party. Not to mention the fact that I hate holiday parties -- so there's that. I'll have Thanksgiving with my family and no one really drinks in my family so there's no pressure there either. </p><p>It will probably be more challenging to get through my seasonal depression than to remain alcohol free. The days are shorter and I can feel a slight change in my mood already. Last year, I gained 15+ pounds during this time and I am determined not to do that again. I'm paying close attention to how I'm eating and I'm keeping up with my workouts. I'm meditating more and I'm being intentional about staying in a positive headspace.</p><p>Fingers crossed.</p><p>109 days, Baby!</p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-78174662362116595572021-09-18T11:16:00.000-04:002021-09-18T11:16:05.774-04:00Day 70<p> I feel so good today. It is relatively early on a Saturday morning. I've done the grocery shopping, made breakfast, mowed the lawn, taken a shower and now enjoying my second cup of coffee. I have no specific plans for the day and I'm glad for that. </p><p>I'm preparing for my birthday trip which is less than a month away and I'm starting to get excited. After work yesterday I went shopping for a pair of hiking boots for the trip. Yes, hiking boots. I never bought hiking boots before and I've been missing out. They are comfortable and will keep my feet warm and protected. This is going to be a great trip.</p><p>After I went shopping I treated myself to something that I haven't done since I stopped drinking. I went out to eat. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal but let me explain. Dining out has always been something that I loved to do. I'm a little bougie so I prefer going to places that have a nice wine list. Sitting in a dimly lit restaurant across from someone that I'll probably have sex with later on is a joy for me. Well, now that I'm single and sober, drinking wine and having sex are off the table. However, that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy the experience of having someone serve me food. I love having someone take my order and bring me food. I get so caught up in everyday life and eating my own cooking -- because I'm an awesome cook -- that I forget how nice it is to have someone else cook for a change.</p><p>Before the pandemic, before I became a vegetarian, before I stopped drinking and before I ended my relationship -- I was in restaurants all the time. Now, not so much and I miss it. Having to research places with vegetarian options is a pain and I don't want to go to my old spots and just have a boring salad. Anyway, I took the plunge yesterday after work and it was marvelous.</p><p>I ordered a caprese salad with avocado and a cup of tomato soup and for dessert I had a huge slice of cheesecake. A very simple meal but I did not have to make it. The simple act of being among people in a restaurant was what I needed. I may make this my Friday-after-work ritual. </p><p>September is National Recovery month. It's nice to have a month to celebrate recovery in all its forms. Lords knows I'm recovering from a whole mess of things. I talk a little bit about recovery on my podcast "Before I Go" which can be found on iTunes, Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts. Check it out.</p><p>I'm still waiting to get my new floors installed. I talked to the people yesterday and I should be able to set the installation appointment soon -- just waiting for all the materials to come in. I can't wait to get this done. I'm working on transforming my space into an oasis. I have a lot to do and I'm not in a hurry but getting these floors done is the number one goal.</p><p>Anyway, I hope you are having an amazing weekend.</p><p>Day 70 ... yo, I'm more than half way to 100 days without alcohol. Woo-Hoo!!!!</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-87586832846991573762021-09-07T09:18:00.001-04:002021-09-07T09:18:52.983-04:00Day 59<p>“Authenticity is the gift of sobriety”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I heard this quote on a podcast while on my run this morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The name of the podcast is <i>Soberful </i>in case
you’re interested and when I heard the quote, something about it just rang true
for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like right now I am
living as my most authentic self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
hard to explain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never thought I was living
inauthentically, but how could I if I was always in an alcohol haze?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I was drinking, my days consisted of going to work,
coming home and sitting on the couch with a glass/bottle of wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am probably making it sound worse than it
actually was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t getting drunk, but
I was dulling my senses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would literally
turn off my brain at the end of the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I would think about absolutely nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Admittedly, there are times when that is necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were times in my life when I would pray
to be able to shut off my thoughts but that’s not what this was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Now that I am alcohol-free, I am learning to embrace my
thoughts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of fighting thoughts I
welcome them, I identify them, and I keep the ones that are useful and release
the ones that are not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is how I am
moving toward a more authentic way of living my life.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Living authentically, for me, means to simply be true to who
I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not running away from who I am and
not being afraid of expressing who I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I do not miss drinking and it’s hard to believe that I ever
thought it was a good thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More times
than not it absolutely was not a good thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Doing and saying things I would never do or say had I been sober.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you know what is even worse?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having to remember those things after you’ve
sobered up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of those nights are
etched in my brain and will be there for a lifetime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not pretty.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thankfully, those days are behind me and I look forward to
the days ahead.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It’s day 59 and I’m just a few days away from 2 full months
of alcohol freedom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was going to allow
myself another sobriety gift, but I think I’ll wait until I hit 6 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Truth is, I rarely wait for a “special”
occasion to treat myself and I don’t really need another gift right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I booked my birthday trip and I’m getting new
floors installed in my house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s all
the gifting I need for now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Speaking of the new floors … I’ve needed them for a very
long time, but I didn’t want to spend the money and honestly, I just didn’t
care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would sit on the couch and look
at the carpet through the alcohol haze, knowing it looked horrible, and just
shrug my shoulders and take another sip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, since deciding to improve my physical being, I realize it’s time to
improve my environment as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think
one naturally influences the other.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, that’s enough rambling for one day.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Day 59.<o:p></o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-24545759343619735032021-08-23T08:17:00.003-04:002021-08-23T08:17:32.802-04:00Day 44<p>It’s Monday and I can honestly say that I am glad it’s
Monday and I’m glad to be at work at not at my house. The weekend was ridiculously busy – busier than
I prefer for a weekend. It started with
a pet emergency (Portia is fine now) and it just escalated from there. My daughter was in town to help me, but it
was still a lot. By Sunday night all I
could do was collapse into the bed – grateful that I got through everything
without even craving alcohol.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I take notice of all the things that happen in my life now
that would have been justification for a drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Small things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyday life occurrences
that millions of people don’t see as an excuse to drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not that person, but I am now and I’m
proud of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may seem like a small
accomplishment or no accomplishment at all, but for me – it is huge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am in the process of finalizing my birthday plans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m actually traveling this year and I am
excited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going someplace that I have
never been and I’m flying first class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have never flown first- class, but I feel like I can allow myself some comfort
in an uncomfortable situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After
all, we are still in a pandemic and flying is risky so I may as well be
comfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not spending money on
alcohol so I can spend it on a first-class plane ticket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s funny, whenever I think about making a purchase or hesitate to make
one, I tell myself, “You spent more than that on wine!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, I just spent close to $300 on a
standing desk for my office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sit at my
desk for nine hours a day and this desk will really help with my mobility, yet
it sat on my Amazon wish list for two years because I didn’t want to spend the
money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all about perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Three hundred dollars’ worth of wine did nothing
good for me and I didn’t think twice about spending that money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d like to think I’m smarter now.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’ll be fifty-seven in less than two months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was thirty, being 57 and what that
would mean never even entered my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First
of all, I was depressed when I was 30 and couldn’t even see being 31 let alone
57.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Secondly, I never thought I would be
this stable, this happy, this grounded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am grateful for every single year that has brought me to this
place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a good life.<o:p></o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-72144175268930890882021-08-09T08:22:00.003-04:002021-08-09T08:22:58.162-04:00Day 30<p>Eight years ago, I stopped drinking for close to two years
and didn’t think twice about it. At that
point in my life, I was a competitive athlete and working with a personal
trainer. Alcohol was not part of my meal
plan – neither was bread or fried foods – so I stayed away from it. I cancelled my membership to a wine club
which sent me two bottles of wine each month.
I was working toward a goal at the time, and I wanted to make sure that
I did everything that I was supposed to do in order to receive the best
outcome. And I did.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What’s different now?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I think about that wine club membership – two bottles a
month?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before I stopped drinking this
time, I was probably consuming a case of wine a month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today, I’m not working toward anything other
than a healthier lifestyle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Back then, I
would drink every now and then, so it was easier to stop but this time it had
become more of a habit.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Where do these things even begin?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I used to smoke cigarettes, it started
out with me only smoking in social situations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I would never buy cigarettes; I was always the person who would “bum”
one from someone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually, that turned
into a real habit and it was years before I quit for good.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It pretty much started the same way with alcohol – only drinking
socially.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although, when I moved into my
first apartment after college, I thought it was a “cool” thing to have a bottle
of wine in my refrigerator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not all the
time – I may have done it once or twice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Drinking socially was interesting because I never even knew what to
order half the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then Carrie
Bradshaw introduced me to the Cosmopolitan and that became my drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The girls from Sex and the City made drinking
look so damned glamorous and chic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There
was a time when I was on a quest to find what bartender made the best Cosmo in
town.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After years of vodka, cranberry,
triple sec and lime I switched to tequila.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Shots of tequila that is. Until finally I settled on wine.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wine has been my drink of choice for more than 15 years and
today I am 30 days alcohol-free. Back when I was training for the stage and not
drinking, I never even thought about alcohol – not even on a cheat day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t miss it and I didn’t want it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to get back to that feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have cravings, but I do think about
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On Fridays, I think about how I used
to stop at Total Wine on the way home from work to prepare for the
weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I sit on my patio with a
cup of coffee I think back to when I used to sit on the patio with a
glass/bottle of wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really would like
those thoughts to stop entering my head.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m working on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
working on ways to shift my thinking whenever my wind wanders toward the
bottle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a process and I’m grateful
that those thoughts are just thoughts and never turn into action.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">30 days, Baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Emoji",sans-serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol-ext; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: "Segoe UI Emoji";">😊</span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-75148450813045512152021-08-04T09:25:00.001-04:002021-08-04T09:25:41.090-04:00Day 25<p>I skipped today’s workout.
The last time I skipped a workout was because I had a hangover. Not a terrible hangover, just a slight
headache and no motivation. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That is not the case today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This morning’s workout was skipped because it was raining. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After I turned off the alarm at 4:00AM, I heard the rain
pouring down outside my window and the sound was just so soothing and I
realized that I had slept the whole night and it was the most peaceful feeling
ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the best sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided in that moment that I wanted to savor
that feeling, skip the workout and not feel bad about it.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And I don’t feel bad about it.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m closing in on my 30-day sober milestone and I’m really
excited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ordered a gift for myself
from Etsy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that it would
arrive by the anniversary day, but I just realized that the seller is in
another country and it won’t arrive on time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ugh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I may get myself another
gift for the day.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about this journey as this
milestone approaches and I oscillate between thinking whether I have a “drinking
problem” or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose if I believe I
have a problem – then it’s a problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There
are levels to this thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the one
hand, I don’t think I’m an alcoholic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
not a fall-down drunk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no rock-bottom
story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other hand, I find myself
unable to drink in moderation … like I won’t ever have just one drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s always two and usually more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that I have stopped, I do not have
cravings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t wish I was drinking
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t regret my decision to
quit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I happily replaced my wine rack
with a tea bag carousel to hold all the different types of tea that I’m
drinking. I don't do mock tails or non-alcoholic beer. For me, there is no point.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For a very long time, there was a still small voice in my
head that told me I needed to quit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
voice didn’t yell, and it wasn’t insistent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But it was there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard it and
for a long time, I ignored it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I liked
my wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But as we all know, everything
that is good to you isn’t good for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For that matter, it wasn’t even that good to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wine did not enhance my experiences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It reminds me of when I wanted to quit
smoking cigarettes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I liked smoking but
I knew I had to stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I prayed, and
I said to God, “Please remove the desire.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Eventually, He did just that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One
day I lit up a cigarette and I felt dizzy, lightheaded, and nauseated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was the day I quit.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was a little different with the wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never made me sick – besides the
occasional hangover – it was just time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time
to step out of the haze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time to sleep
through the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time to lose the wine
breath and wine belly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was just time.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">I have always felt that there was something greater for me. I believe that God has a plan for my life. A plan that somehow differs from what I'm doing now. Something that hasn't even been on my radar. Perhaps the alcohol was blocking my ability to see what the plan is. Or maybe, God just had to wait for me to stop drinking in order for him to prepare me for what the plan is. I don't know. Maybe I'm just talking out my ass, but if not, and there really is a plan, all I can say is, "Lord, I'm ready."</p><p class="MsoNormal">Day 25</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-41385091537541412112021-07-30T08:49:00.000-04:002021-07-30T08:49:37.702-04:00Day 20<p>This morning while I was at the gym, I was listening to a
podcast called Sober Bliss. The guest on
the episode was someone to whom I could relate.
At the time of the recording, she was a year into her sobriety. She started when she was 56 (like me), she
did not have a tragic “rock bottom” moment (like me), she was good at her job
(like me) and a good mother (like me) and decided to stop drinking because she
was concerned about her health (like me).
I loved listening to her story because it sounded so much like my
own. It sounds cliché but I was reminded
that I was not alone in this thing.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My days are different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There are ups and downs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today,
however is an UP day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One thing that I had to remember is that it can be challenging
to remove something from your life without replacing it with something
else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the past, I would experience
this with negative thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t
just stop thinking negatively – I had to actively replace those negative thoughts
with positive thoughts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It’s the same thing with addictions, in my opinion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you are trying to give up this thing
that has held a huge spot in your life, if you don’t replace it with something else,
then the likelihood of going back to that thing is greater.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My routine has been to come home from work, wash my face,
change my clothes, pour a glass of wine and plop down in front of the
television.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then collapse into bed in a
wine-induced haze.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m developing a new routine which is making me so very
happy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>come home, wash my face,
meditate, make a cup of tea, moisturize my hair while watching television, have
dinner, go to bed with a book and happily fall asleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m using a guided mediation app called Medito and I’m doing
a 30-day meditation challenge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
tried meditation before but was not able to make it a habit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They suggest adding meditation to an activity
that you’re already doing – like washing my face at the end of the day.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Let’s talk about that for a minute … I love taking care of
my skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the end of the day, it is
just so relaxing, and it just feels good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I take my makeup off as soon as I get home from work, so I don’t risk
falling asleep with it on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, I do
a double cleanse, apply eye cream, retinol and then moisturizer and my skin
loves it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, I simply add meditation
to that routine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So far, it’s
working.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, not only am I cleansing my
skin but I’m cleansing my mind of the events of the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Corny?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it makes me
happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s taken me 20 days to get to
this happy place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will it last?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m taking it one day at a time.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Day 20.<o:p></o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-82885892347290791422021-07-27T09:31:00.000-04:002021-07-27T09:31:45.214-04:00Day 17<p> Tell me I cannot do something and in most cases my response
will be “watch me”. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alcohol was always that elusive thing that I wanted to try
when I was younger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose that was
the case with most people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We always
want the thing that we’re not supposed to have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I was a kid, I remember my parents drinking Cold Duck on New Year’s
Eve and giving us a sip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It tasted
horrible but it was something that was forbidden so for some reason, that made
it cool.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I was a teenager, we would drink the cheapest stuff we
could find:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mad Dog 20/20, Night Train,
Olde English and what about Riunite wine?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I still remember that commercial, “Riunite on ice, that’s nice.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It wasn’t nice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>None
of it was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t remember any of it
tasting good but because it was forbidden, we had to do it.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In college, I was introduced to grain alcohol and Bacardi
151.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>Sidenote:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no idea that “151” meant that it was
151 proof.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mind you, I am doing all this
drinking before I even turned 21 years old – the legal drinking age in most
places.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In college, I had a particularly
scary thing happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was Halloween and
everyone in the dorm dressed up and we were drinking a lot and at some point,
someone took out a camera and started taking pictures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this because a week or so later someone
asked me if I saw the pictures from Halloween.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“What pictures?” I asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
told to go to so-and-so’s room to see them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To my surprise and horror, I was in a lot of those pictures and I had no
memory of the night whatsoever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pictures
weren’t risqué or anything … I was just boozy and happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was just the fact that I couldn’t remember
photos being taken that scared me.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After that, I eased up on the drinking and pretty much stuck
to weed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s another story for a
different day.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Once I reached the legal drinking age, I began to experiment
with different types of cocktails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
never knew what to order so I would take cues from television and movies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would order rum and coke, screwdrivers,
vodka and cranberry juice, cosmopolitans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Once I ordered a Long Island iced tea when I was with my father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He watched the bartender make this thing and just
looked at me and shook his head.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I look back, I don’t remember wanting to drink because
alcohol tasted good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The idea was to get
a buzz.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I soon reasoned that if I wanted
to get a buzz then I should stop ordering mixed drinks and just do shots.
Tequila became my drink of choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Specifically,
Patron Silver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was smooth, I could drink a lot of it, and I would never get
sick or have a hangover.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only
drawback for me, was that I was able to remember every detail of the previous
evening and some of those details should have been forgotten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was one particular night in January 1992
that still haunts me to this day …<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After some years, I gave up the hard liquor for wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wine, in my estimation was much more sophisticated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would go on wine tours, attend tastings and
wine dinners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned about wine
parings and that some wine tastes better with certain food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, I am not a fan of Chardonnay,
however, when paired with fish, it becomes rather tasty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was becoming a real expert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No, I actually love wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
the experience for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Going to a nice
restaurant and asking for a wine list was a joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having the server allow me to taste it and
make a decision was a pleasure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Then something happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was no longer an experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was just me, alone opening a bottle and drinking it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It became no different than making a cup of
tea and drinking that (which is what I do now).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I felt like it was getting out of hand especially when I
couldn’t stick to the rules that I would set for myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would plan to give it up for a month and
then I would go back after three weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I would say I would only drink on the weekends but that would turn into
Thursday through Monday instead of just Friday through Sunday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My tolerance increased.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Previously, I would have to limit myself to
only two glasses whether I was out or at home but at some point, I was able to
drink a bottle at one sitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I don’t want to be able to drink like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not cute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At this point in my life, I’m not even concerned with being
sloppy or embarrassing or not being able to function because that is not
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I'm too much of a control freak for that ever to happen. </span>What I’m concerned with, is what it’s
doing to my body, to my health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I
could see a picture of my liver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah,
those are the things that I think about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I not only want to live a long life, but I want to live a long, healthy
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to continue to lift weights
and run and do my own grocery shopping and cut my own grass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to do everything I can to make sure
that I stay strong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can I do that and
drink in moderation?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can I drink in
moderation?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to be able to – but here lately that
is not the case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was drinking a lot
and there was no one around to check me, so I have to check myself.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">17 days.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-50655905372936296912021-07-24T10:35:00.003-04:002021-07-24T10:35:55.873-04:00Day 14<p> Saturday morning at 10:15. I ran 5 miles, got cleaned up, did the grocery shopping, made a veggie scramble and a pot of coffee, cut up a watermelon and now there is a pot of rice on the stove for the fried rice that I'll make tomorrow.</p><p>I can't remember the last time I hit the pavement on a Saturday morning. It felt so good to run with no hangover. I wasn't running to sweat the alcohol out of my system because of a boozy Friday night. It felt good to just run. To make it even better it was only 64 degrees when I went out which is cooler than it has been all week at 5AM.</p><p>Fourteen days without alcohol. I've done 14 days before. The difference this time is that I'm not counting down the days until I will drink again. This time I'm done.</p><p>I've been reading a few message boards of people who are on this journey. I don't feel like I fit in though. These people are really struggling with not drinking. I can't say that I am. As I've said before, it was more of a habit than anything else. A bad habit that was slowly killing me. I didn't need the alcohol, it was just part of my weekly routine. I've replaced alcohol with tea in that routine.</p><p>I'm not really being tested or tempted. If I were in a social situation would I be tempted? Maybe but I'm confident that I will stick to my goal of not drinking. I want "non-drinker" to be part of my identity like "vegetarian".</p><p>When I became a vegetarian I not only had to stop eating "food with a face" but I also had to figure out what to eat. Vegetables, yes but what else? It took me a while to figure it out but I have it now. With giving up alcohol all I have to do is stop drinking. Nothing has to replace it. Some people need the non-alcoholic beer or some placebo that makes them think they are drinking. That's not my story but I did pick up a bottle of seltzer water today. I think a glass over ice would be refreshing.</p><p>I don't know ... I'm just super excited to be 14 days sober and I'm looking forward to 30, 60, 90 days and an entire lifetime alcohol-free.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-68467135404167324492021-07-22T08:27:00.006-04:002021-07-22T08:27:57.103-04:00Day 12<p> So, it seems that my restless, sleepless nights are not because of the alcohol. Well, not only the alcohol -- it's also because of menopause and night sweats.</p><p>Ugh.</p><p>When I stopped drinking I really expected to sleep through the night without tossing and turning. When I was drinking I would have a glass of wine when I got home from work at 4:30PM and maybe have another one or two before I went to bed between 8:30 and 9:00. I would not have a problem falling asleep but I would inevitably wake up with a dry mouth and a headache around midnight or so.</p><p>Now, that I'm not drinking I'll have a nice cup of tea when I get home, go to bed around 8:00PM, fall asleep close to 9:00, after reading for a while or watching an episode of Schitt's Creek. Then I'll wake up around 2:00AM to use the bathroom and maybe get back to sleep.</p><p>I get out of bed every morning between 4:00-4:20AM. I just want one night where I go to sleep and stay asleep until my alarm goes off.</p><p>I'm trying to keep the room nice and cool so the sweats won't tear me apart but it doesn't seem to matter. I've thought about taking a sleep aid but I don't want to trade in one addiction for another.</p><p>Other than that, things are going well. I had an interesting thought this morning while I was on my run. Interesting to me, anyway. In 2010 I ended an emotionally abusive relationship and I stayed single for close to seven years. I was celibate for close to seven years. The first couple of years were challenging because I'm a healthy woman with a healthy sex drive and I enjoyed sex. My ex boyfriend was an asshole but the sex was pretty good. Anyway, once I got used to not having sex I was fine with not having sex. However, after seven years I felt like I was ready to get back to dating and having sex.</p><p>But something changed. Sex wasn't what I remembered. It wasn't exciting. I mean, I was able to have orgasms and all that but I felt like there was something missing. Sex was disappointing. The effort that I have to put in to prepare for sex was not worth what I was receiving. I don't know but I do know that I was not getting a proper return on my investment. So, I'm back to celibacy.</p><p>What does this have to do with being sober? Glad you asked. I don't want to stay sober for seven years only to drink again because I think I can handle it only to find out, it just isn't what I thought it was. I'm on Day 12 now and I don't ever want to be on Day 12 again. I don't want to drink anymore. I don't find it enjoyable. It's money wasted. It's time wasted. I want to always remember that.</p><p>Okay, so I stopped eating meat 11 months ago. I stopped having sex 7 months ago. I stopped drinking alcohol 12 days ago.</p><p>What's next?</p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-23007923366231688912021-07-16T07:26:00.000-04:002021-07-16T07:26:29.758-04:00Day 6<p> It's Friday.</p><p>Last Friday I took my last drink. I drank a bottle of proseco to celebrate my sobriety. That sounds ridiculous, I know.</p><p>Fridays are interesting. Sober Fridays are interesting. Normally, on Fridays I would go to Total Wine after work and replenish my wine stash with no less than six bottles of wine. A combination of reds and whites. The six bottles were meant to last for two weeks, mostly consumed over the weekend. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. Either way I wasn't going back to Total for another two weeks. That was a rule I had for myself. That rule, of course, did not stop me from picking up a random bottle at the grocery store before the two weeks was up. </p><p>My sober Friday will look like me going home after work, making a cup of tea, eating dinner and watching television until around 7PM and then mowing the lawn. </p><p>Most people tend to be slow about making changes to their lives because they focus on all the things that they will lose in the process of the change. The focus is on the negative. I believe in taking a more positive stance. In deciding to give up alcohol I am gaining so much more than I am losing:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><u>Better health</u> - I removed the small bottle of water and Tylenol sitting on my nightstand for hangovers. No more empty calories. My liver is no doubt, thanking me as well as my waistline and my skin will not look so dull.</li><li><u>More money</u> - I spent roughly $1,500 a year on alcohol. That is a conservative estimate based on my spending history at Total Wine alone. This does not include what I spent at the grocery store or the ABC store when I wanted something harder. I'm taking that extra money and using it to increase my retirement savings.</li><li><u>Peace of mind</u> - Never again will I have to worry about how much I've had to drink before I get behind the wheel.</li><li><u>Focus</u> - Alcohol left me numb. My mind was consistently in a fog. I'm thinking much clearer even after six days.</li></ul><div>This is a good thing for me. I've been thinking about it for a long time but I honestly never thought that I would ever want to stop drinking. I really like wine. Like, a lot -- but just because you like something doesn't mean that it is any good for you. </div><div><br /></div><div>While at the gym this morning, I had a thought: What if there is something that I am supposed to be doing but could never figure that thing out because my mind was always so clouded with booze? What if now that I'm sober I will see that thing clearly and pursue it and succeed? Just a thought. Not an unrealistic thought. What if God has been trying to tell me something but I couldn't hear Him because of the alcohol? </div><div><br /></div><div>Well, I'm not drinking anymore, Lord.</div><div>Speak to me.</div><div>I'm listening.</div><div><br /></div><div>xoxo</div><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-9644662575234519352021-07-12T07:47:00.001-04:002021-07-12T07:47:31.676-04:00Day 3<p> Well, look who decided to post a blog after two years.</p><p>Why am I here? I'm here because I have (once again) started a new journey and I want to document it. I could do it in my journal but I'd rather type than write. </p><p>I'd like to call it a sobriety journey but the term "sober" somehow implies that I have a problem -- that I'm an alcoholic. I don't believe I am and I don't think I have a problem but I do feel as though if I don't do something now it could lead to having a problem.</p><p>What am I saying? I'm saying that I have stopped drinking.</p><p>I don't think I ever thought that I would get to this place. I am a wine drinker and over the years have become somewhat of a connoisseur. I can tell the difference between a pinot grigio and a sauvignon blanc and a Riesling. I know I'm not particularly fond of chardonnay or cabernet but will always love a good pinot noir or syrah. I love wine tastings and a good wine with a good meal and good company.</p><p>At least I did.</p><p>Something has changed and I don't enjoy the experience of wine as much as I used to. In fact, it has become more of a mindless habit, like brushing my teeth, rather than an experience. There was a time when I would never -- could never -- have more than two glasses at a sitting. Now, it is nothing to drink a bottle at a time all by myself.</p><p>That's another thing -- I drink alone. All the time. Since the pandemic and my break up I very rarely socialize but that doesn't stop me from buying and drinking a bottle of wine on a random Tuesday.</p><p>I've been asking myself for quite a while now, if I thought I had a problem. If I thought I needed to cut back. I would put these rules in place for myself like, I would only drink on the weekends. The problem is, for most people the weekend is two days. For me, the "weekend" started on Thursday night and if I still had an open bottle on Sunday would end on Monday night. That's five days. Plus, on Saturday and Sunday -- I would start drinking at noon.</p><p>To me, that's a problem. It's a problem for me.</p><p>My drinking does not interfere with my ability to function. I go to work, I go to church, I see my family when I can. I don't drink and drive. I'm still functioning. However, that brings me back to my daughter's middle school English teacher who was also "functioning" -- she had to be removed from the school premises because she was drunk. She had a bottle in her desk drawer. </p><p>Functioning is no longer good enough. Two weeks ago I missed a workout on a Wednesday because I was hung over. That may not seem like a lot, but for me it is. I never miss a workout! Ever. And if it can happen once it can happen again. See, I'm the person who suspects an issue and nips it in the bud. It may be considered obsessive but I don't care. I stopped eating meat because the size of a turkey wing freaked me out. Instead of giving up turkey wings, I gave up all "food with a face". I lost 15lbs in 3 months because I busted through the seam in a pair of jeans. Instead of buying new jeans, I lost the weight. I'm not the person who will let things get to the point where I'm too far gone to fight my way back.</p><p>I drink too much. Period. I no longer enjoy it. I fee like my senses are dulled and I want to be able to fire on all cylinders so to speak. I can't help but wonder if there are things I'm supposed to be doing but haven't because the alcohol has fogged my brain to the point where I have no creativity left.</p><p>I don't know about that but what I do know is that today is Day 3 of my sober journey. I do not have an end date but I'm also not going to say that I'm quitting for good. I don't know what the future holds. It took me 10 months of not eating meat to finally declare that I am a vegetarian. I know that for right now, I don't want to drink. I am a non-drinker today. Taking it one day at a time is not just a cliché and I totally understand the meaning. I'm not drinking today.</p><p>In order to help with this journey, I got rid of my little wine case that I kept in the kitchen and put away my corkscrews. I took the Total Wine app off my phone. In the evening, I have a cup of tea in place of the nightly glass of wine. I have a few books that I have purchased about other women's journeys to sobriety. Surprisingly, their stories are similar to mine. There is no tragic "rock bottom" moment just the realization that yeah, I drink too much.</p><p>It's Day 3.</p><p>xoxo</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-40516665103584332402018-08-09T14:42:00.000-04:002018-08-09T14:42:24.838-04:00No Words are Good Enough<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1QJI4s79oaCP2eG677Vms1nv4N0uhA85AUesj011aNiV_6bDvXZzj7TNSIzLrL9rTyR9Hov8vmyuMS576Lz06LUYvw49Ee126_mZDWAaCf1HLqRe0Glr1JgxHQTDxm6mEy6B0WLSq2FPL/s1600/1sie2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1QJI4s79oaCP2eG677Vms1nv4N0uhA85AUesj011aNiV_6bDvXZzj7TNSIzLrL9rTyR9Hov8vmyuMS576Lz06LUYvw49Ee126_mZDWAaCf1HLqRe0Glr1JgxHQTDxm6mEy6B0WLSq2FPL/s200/1sie2.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: "Arial Narrow",sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I am going to have a granddaughter in December.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have tried several times over seven days to
accurately put into words how this makes me feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I can’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The words have not been invented that can describe how utterly over the
moon I am about this event.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About this
little girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial Narrow",sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">When my son first shared with me that he was going
to be a father, my initial reaction was shock and disbelief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could my baby be having a baby?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surely, he’s too young to be a father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then it hit me that he is older than I was
when I had him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I listened to how
happy he was at the thought of being a father and then I started to think about
it even more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial Narrow",sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I am going to be a grandmother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial Narrow",sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">My thoughts drifted back to 28 years ago when I had
him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those were the happiest days of my
life up until that point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always knew
that I wanted to be a mother (even if I wasn’t sure about being a wife) and
when that little boy entered my life I knew exactly why God put me on
earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then when I had my daughter it
became even more clear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s funny, when
I first discovered that I was pregnant with my daughter I felt an overwhelming
sense of guilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought it was unfair
to make my son “share” me with another child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I didn’t understand how I could possibly have enough love for two
children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she arrived, I discovered
that I had love to spare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that our
family is expanding again I cannot even contain the love that I already have
for my granddaughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart is full.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial Narrow",sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">No one is more surprised than me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For years I would tell my kids that I would
not be the grandma that babysits and plays games, so don’t be bringing your
little rugrats around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But honestly,
I cannot wait to take care of that little girl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2890103892896813737.post-88028466422345735992018-08-01T09:46:00.001-04:002018-08-01T11:52:43.116-04:00Gender Reveal - It's a GIRL!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijSIQyl0RUcpEcbY_BZBFcEhh20mIXoPTP_MQwxiJtC1n6kAVcVX3ZETotnhFpakgOcHlfB-Hfw1nycK_B9YpoLMEDRtuaJbq2r5lROsWxS7dFhbBXGILnPbNojauErKOeUxDgMlzpd5fg/s1600/gender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="907" data-original-width="907" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijSIQyl0RUcpEcbY_BZBFcEhh20mIXoPTP_MQwxiJtC1n6kAVcVX3ZETotnhFpakgOcHlfB-Hfw1nycK_B9YpoLMEDRtuaJbq2r5lROsWxS7dFhbBXGILnPbNojauErKOeUxDgMlzpd5fg/s320/gender.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Gender reveal is today!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">This is how we'll know whether my grandchild is a girl or a boy!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Jess is going to post a selfie wearing one of these t-shirts.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">This generation is weird.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">When I was pregnant with my son (the father-to-be) I didn't want to know ahead of time -- I wanted a son.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">When I was pregnant with my daughter, 4 years later, I did want to know ahead of time -- I wanted another son. God gave me what I needed instead.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I honestly don't care either way ... I just can't wait to hold the newest addition of my family in my arms come December.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0