Friday, June 8, 2018

Thoughts on a Friday ('night Mother)

Last year my cousin’s wife committed suicide.
Last week one of my co-workers at the gym committed suicide.
This week Kate Spade committed suicide.
Yesterday Anthony Bourdain committed suicide.

I don’t understand the decision to take your own life and I probably never will.  Twenty-eight years ago, I was a new mother and I was overwhelmed by all the new responsibilities that I had.  I was single, and I didn’t know how I was going to handle everything on my own and I briefly contemplated the thought of ending it … at that moment my newborn son cried. I immediately thought to myself, If I leave, who would take care of him?  He literally saved my life that day and I have never considered it again.  I don't believe I have ever told anyone that and I know that I never shared how overwhelmed I was at the time with anyone in my family.

A while back I watched the movie ‘night Mother which is about a woman played by Sissy Spacek who made the decision to kill herself. 

She developed a very detailed plan and she shared the plan with her mother played by Anne Bancroft.  The entire movie was a conversation between the daughter and her mother:  The daughter explaining what she was going to do and everything the mother would have to do afterward; all the while the mother was trying to talk the daughter out of it and providing reason after reason why she should stay alive.

As I watched the movie, I thought to myself that the daughter did not seem mentally ill or unstable.  She planned out every single detail.  Not only the details of how she would commit suicide but also of how her mother would run the household after she was gone.  She was lucid.  She was not hysterical.  It was almost as if she was planning an extended trip out of the country.
The reason she gave for wanting to die was simple:  she just didn’t want to live anymore.  She was done.  She had had enough and was ready to leave.

I can’t help but wonder … is everyone who commits suicide mentally ill?  Or do some people just feel like they’ve done all they care to do in this life and it is time to leave.

I realize that the overwhelming opinion is that suicide is the most selfish act a person could commit.  After all, what about the people they leave behind?  Don’t they count?  I suppose they do but nowadays aren’t we constantly being encouraged to take care of ourselves first?  To be responsible for our own happiness?  That doing things entirely for the sake of others is detrimental to our mental health?

What about the people who battle cancer and decide against treatment?  Should they go through chemotherapy and radiation for their loved ones even though it goes against what they want?  On a personal note, I watched someone fight cancer for years – taking every single treatment available, and it appeared that the treatment was making them sicker and weaker than the cancer.  I suppose I can’t realistically say what I would do because I’m not in that situation, but I believe I would be the one to turn down treatment.  Why?  Because I don’t want my loved ones hanging around for years watching and wondering when I’m going to die.  Fuck that. 

I digress.

I cannot imagine what would make a person decide to take their own life.  Since I don’t understand it I choose not to make judgments.  What I choose to do is check on my loved ones and make sure that they are okay and let them know that I love them and that if they ever need me, I’m here.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Thoughts on a Friday

·        I love Amazon.  2-day free shipping, music, movies, television.  I needed burner covers for my stove. Normally, I would trek over to Tar-jay or Wallyworld and walk up and down aisles.  Now I just log on, push a few buttons and in 2 days (usually 1 day) I’ll have my purchase.

·        I’m in baby-blanket-making mode.  Babies are coming and I’m making blankets. 

·        Apparently, my grandchild is now the size of a strawberry.  I can’t wait until December!

·        I’ve lost 3lbs in 18 days.

·        I do not miss bread.

·        There was another school shooting today.  This time in TX.  I’m so tired of this.

·        There are times when I’m driving a route that I drive every single day, that for a split second I’m not sure where I am.  What is that about?  I have my suspicions but I’m not claiming anything.

·        My next race is on July 4th.

·        I’m enjoying my yoga classes even though I feel so ungraceful trying to do the poses

·        I’m still waiting for the price of the plane tickets to California to drop before I purchase

·        My enjoyment of running is increasing while my enjoyment of weight lifting is decreasing.  Currently, I’m only lifting weights twice a week, running three times a week and doing yoga once a week.


Have a great weekend

Monday, May 14, 2018

Race Day x 2

Mission accomplished.  I set out to do two races in one day and I did just that. 

The day started at the CHKD Run/Walk for the Kids in Downtown Norfolk.  I arrived early enough to get a good parking space and to meet up with the BGR fam for a pic prior to the run.

It was already 70 degrees at 6am and I knew this run would be challenging.  I’m just getting used to running in the heat again.  I still prefer this to wearing 2-3 layers of clothing.  Anyway, my pace was (as expected) faster than usual.  I completed the first mile in 9.5 minutes and I finished the race in 49 minutes.  Not a PR but still impressive especially since I finished 3rd in my age group.
Once this race was completed I didn’t waste any time getting back to my car and I headed to Virginia Beach for the Breathe Easy 5k.  Registration opened at 8:30 and the race was set to begin at 9:40. I arrived at the park before 8:45, picked up my bib and was ready.  I had plenty of time so I sipped on water and sat in my car until about 9:20.  By this time, it was getting really hot outside and I had to take my shirt off and run in a sports bra.  This race was a lot smaller in comparison to the first.  Three miles around Mt. Trashmore is something I’m used to doing so I knew I wouldn’t have an issue, but the heat was definitely a factor.  I did end up walking a portion of the race, but I still managed to place 1st in my age group.  I’m still not sure how that happened.   
The day was amazing.  The first time I ran two races in one day.  It was a great way to kick off my Mother’s Day weekend. 

Friday, May 11, 2018

Thoughts on a Friday

It’s the end of another week and I’ve got some stuff on my mind:
·         Mother’s Day is this weekend.  I sent my Mom a gift, but I will probably lay low over the weekend.  My sister is taking her to a concert, so she’s covered.
     ·         My son and girlfriend sent me a card with a sonogram picture – baby due in December!

·         I want to grow my hair out but consistently doing protective styles is a challenge because I’m easily distracted by new products, styles, etc.  I need to focus.

·         I’m searching for more races to do this year – I have an 8k and 5k tomorrow.  I want to build up my medal collection.

·         I think I need to lose about 5lbs.  At the beginning of the month I cut out bread, cheese and peanut butter and I’m only drinking wine on the weekend.  I’m eating less meat and more fish and I’m incorporating green smoothies to my breakfast rotation

·         It seems like all my clothes are binding.  Everything feels tight.  I could just by bigger clothes, but I don’t want to fall into that trap.  I think it would be easier to lose the 5lbs.

·         Work is getting busy.  We’re in proposal season.  I’m celebrating my 1-year anniversary at this job.  I suppose I’ll stay.

·         I liked the “This is America” video but I wish people would stop using terms like “amazing” and “genius”.  It was entertaining.

·         Seeing all the reports about white people calling police on Black people all will-nilly is getting on my nerves.  Can’t we just live?  Damn.

·         The Met Gala for what?

·         Kanye for what?

·         I’ve got a really special man in my life

·         I now have three fitness certifications

·         I wish people would stop telling me “I need a trainer” and then never follow up.  Actions speak way louder than words, people.  I’m not going to chase you down and force you to get fit … it has to come from YOU.

·         I’m still working part time at the fitness center and my son cannot understand why I do it.  It’s certainly not for financial reasons but I must have at least one job that I like.  I need my full-time gig.  I enjoy my part-time gig.

·         As predicted, we have bypassed Spring and have entered full on Summer.  No complaints. I love Summer.

·         I’m going to Cali for my birthday.  Alone.

·         I am in a good place in my life and I anticipate only good things in the future


Have a great weekend.


Thursday, May 10, 2018

Another Day, Another Race

I have another race this weekend.  The CHKD Run/Walk for the Kids.  This will be my third time running this particular race.  I like this race for several reasons:  (1) it’s for a good cause (2) it’s only 5 miles (3) it has an early start, 7:15 am among other things.  My past results weren’t too shabby either:

2012 Results: 

2014 Results:


I don’t know how I did so well in 2014.  I seem to remember there being so many people at the start line and I just wanted to get away from them, so I was running really fast.  Suffice it to say I haven’t been able to break 50 minutes at this distance in a while.  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll surprise myself with a burst of adrenaline and I’ll have a repeat of my 2014 results.  I ran this morning and I felt tired and “heavy” and just plain slow and it took me almost 52 minutes to complete the run. 
I also registered for a 5k which takes place on the same day but I’m going to do that one virtually.  I still get credit for the race and I receive another medal.  I’ve been debating on whether or not I should just do both races on the same day.  The 8k is at 7:15 and the 5k is at 9:40. Logistically, I could do them both, but do I want to?  I’m already registered as a “virtual” runner for the 5k so I think I’ll just leave it at that.  I think the only reason I was considering it is because I really want both medals on that day.  I’m impatient like that.
I am enjoying racing again.  I like being outside and just getting my heart rate up.  It feels good to be active and to do things that keep my body healthy and strong.