Day 365

 

One full year of alcohol freedom.  Was it everything I thought it would be?  I’m not sure. Not drinking was easy.  The thing that was difficult was making the decision to stop.  Making that decision took a few years but once I decided there was no turning back.  I am super proud of myself for making this decision.  As I have stated several times, there were no rock-bottom moments, no legal trouble and no public humiliation.  Only the nagging thought in my own mind that I was drinking too much.  That I was slowly killing myself with alcohol.  The dull, fuzzy moments.  The dry, lifeless look my skin had.  The hangovers.  The lack of motivation.  The interesting thing about it is that I did not notice how bad it had gotten until after I stopped.  It’s like the first time I put on a pair of glasses and was able to see clearly for the first time.  I do not miss alcohol and I do not have cravings.  Although sometimes I do remember beautiful moments that involved alcohol.  The visits to the King Family Vineyard for wine tasting.  Sitting on my patio with an ex and listening to old R&B music while sipping on a nice red that I had chosen while having a good conversation.  But that’s all they were … moments.  And if I’ve learned anything it’s that you cannot build a fulfilling life around small, fleeting moments.

The past 365 days have been enlightening and amazing.  I feel like I have accomplished things that I never would have if I was still operating under the alcohol haze.  Alcohol zapped me of any energy I once had and when I stopped drinking, I wanted to take on projects and actually accomplish things.

I am exercising and eating right and have been able to maintain the weight I lost back in the Spring of 2021.  I started the journey to lose weight right before I quit drinking and found that I lost even more weight once I put down the bottle. 

I am meditating regularly and loving it.  At first, it was a struggle, but I conditioned myself to stop forcing something to happen and I simply leaned into my ability to sit and breathe without expectation.  Meditation is helping me to stay focused on the present and not allowing random thoughts to distract me from what is going on right in front of me. 

I took on the task of decluttering my home.  After decluttering my mind, taking on the task of my home was a piece of cake.  I boxed up DVDs, CDs and books and donated them to either good will or The Book Exchange.  It was so freeing to be rid of things that I have been hanging onto for so long.  Seriously, why did I still have CDs? 

I have rediscovered my love for writing and reading for pleasure.  This is huge.  I have always loved writing but was also very hard on myself because it does not come easily.  But here’s the thing … it does not come easily for any writer!  What a revelation that was.  So, I’m writing.  I’m actually working on a collection of short stories and perhaps one day you will find my collection wherever you buy books.  One thing I know for sure is that writers read and since I had gotten rid of most of my books it was time to use the credit I received from the Book Exchange and pick up a few more.  Here is a list of what I have read over the past few months:

On Writing, by Stephen King

Just After Sunset, by Stephen King

Interpreter of Maladies, by Jhumpa Lahiri

Whereabouts, by Jhumpa Lahiri

Midnight & Indigo, edited by Ianna A. Small

How to Breathe Underwater, by Julie Orringer

A House Among the Trees, by Julia Glass

Among the Ten Thousand Things, by Julia Pierpont

A Gate at the Stairs, by Lorrie Moore

Lily’s Song, Susan Gabriel

The Most Beautiful Book in the World, by Eric-Emmanuel Schmitt

Writers and Lovers, by Lily King

Rutting Season, by Mandeliene Smith

The Love of a Good Woman, by Alice Munro

The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer

Living Untethered beyond the Human Predicament, by Michael Singer

The Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway

I’m confident that by the end of 2022 the list will be much longer.  The time that I am able to spend on the patio with a book are some of the best moments of the past 365 days.  My patio is my sanctuary – usually on Sunday mornings in the spring and summer when it’s not too hot and there is a nice breeze.  It’s perfect. 

All this reading is helping with my writing, but I also know that there are other things I need to do like take a writing workshop and get feedback on what I’ve written.  Writing is a solo activity but at some point, I am going to have to turn the pages over and get real, constructive feedback. 

            Since I stopped drinking, I am more and more aware of time.  I’m aware that I’m very close to 60 years old.  Very close to retirement.  Very close to death.  I’ve wasted a lot of time in a drunken fog, and I refuse to allow another day, week, month or year go by without working on my purpose. 

I am in such a good place.  A place that I do not believe I ever would have arrived at if I had a bottle in my hand.  I’m grateful for this life.  I’m grateful for my past.  I’m grateful for the lessons and I am grateful for the future and for whatever it holds.