Day 3

 Well, look who decided to post a blog after two years.

Why am I here?  I'm here because I have (once again) started a new journey and I want to document it.  I could do it in my journal but I'd rather type than write.  

I'd like to call it a sobriety journey but the term "sober" somehow implies that I have a problem -- that I'm an alcoholic.  I don't believe I am and I don't think I have a problem but I do feel as though if I don't do something now it could lead to having a problem.

What am I saying?  I'm saying that I have stopped drinking.

I don't think I ever thought that I would get to this place.  I am a wine drinker and over the years have become somewhat of a connoisseur.  I can tell the difference between a pinot grigio and a sauvignon blanc and a Riesling.  I know I'm not particularly fond of chardonnay or cabernet but will always love a good pinot noir or syrah.  I love wine tastings and a good wine with a good meal and good company.

At least I did.

Something has changed and I don't enjoy the experience of wine as much as I used to.  In fact, it has become more of a mindless habit, like brushing my teeth, rather than an experience.  There was a time when I would never -- could never -- have more than two glasses at a sitting.  Now, it is nothing to drink a bottle at a time all by myself.

That's another thing -- I drink alone.  All the time.  Since the pandemic and my break up I very rarely socialize but that doesn't stop me from buying and drinking a bottle of wine on a random Tuesday.

I've been asking myself for quite a while now, if I thought I had a problem.  If I thought I needed to cut back.  I would put these rules in place for myself like, I would only drink on the weekends.  The problem is, for most people the weekend is two days.  For me, the "weekend" started on Thursday night and if I still had an open bottle on Sunday would end on Monday night.  That's five days.  Plus, on Saturday and Sunday -- I would start drinking at noon.

To me, that's a problem. It's a problem for me.

My drinking does not interfere with my ability to function.  I go to work, I go to church, I see my family when I can.  I don't drink and drive.  I'm still functioning.  However, that brings me back to my daughter's middle school English teacher who was also "functioning" -- she had to be removed from the school premises because she was drunk.  She had a bottle in her desk drawer.  

Functioning is no longer good enough.  Two weeks ago I missed a workout on a Wednesday because I was hung over.  That may not seem like a lot, but for me it is.  I never miss a workout!  Ever.  And if it can happen once it can happen again.  See, I'm the person who suspects an issue and nips it in the bud.  It may be considered obsessive but I don't care.  I stopped eating meat because the size of a turkey wing freaked me out.  Instead of giving up turkey wings, I gave up all "food with a face".   I lost 15lbs in 3 months because I busted through the seam in a pair of jeans.  Instead of buying new jeans, I lost the weight.  I'm not the person who will let things get to the point where I'm too far gone to fight my way back.

I drink too much.  Period.  I no longer enjoy it.  I fee like my senses are dulled and I want to be able to fire on all cylinders so to speak.  I can't help but wonder if there are things I'm supposed to be doing but haven't because the alcohol has fogged my brain to the point where I have no creativity left.

I don't know about that but what I do know is that today is Day 3 of my sober journey.  I do not have an end date but I'm also not going to say that I'm quitting for good.  I don't know what the future holds.  It took me 10 months of not eating meat to finally declare that I am a vegetarian.  I know that for right now, I don't want to drink.  I am a non-drinker today.  Taking it one day at a time is not just a cliché and I totally understand the meaning.  I'm not drinking today.

In order to help with this journey, I got rid of my little wine case that I kept in the kitchen and put away my corkscrews.  I took the Total Wine app off my phone.  In the evening, I have a cup of tea in place of the nightly glass of wine.  I have a few books that I have purchased about other women's journeys to sobriety.  Surprisingly, their stories are similar to mine.  There is no tragic "rock bottom" moment just the realization that yeah, I drink too much.

It's Day 3.

xoxo