One
full year of alcohol freedom. Was it
everything I thought it would be? I’m
not sure. Not drinking was easy. The
thing that was difficult was making the decision to stop. Making that decision took a few years but
once I decided there was no turning back.
I am super proud of myself for making this decision. As I have stated several times, there were no
rock-bottom moments, no legal trouble and no public humiliation. Only the nagging thought in my own mind that
I was drinking too much. That I was
slowly killing myself with alcohol. The
dull, fuzzy moments. The dry, lifeless
look my skin had. The hangovers. The lack of motivation. The interesting thing about it is that I did
not notice how bad it had gotten until after I stopped. It’s like the first time I put on a pair of
glasses and was able to see clearly for the first time. I do not miss alcohol and I do not have
cravings. Although sometimes I do
remember beautiful moments that involved alcohol. The visits to the King Family Vineyard for
wine tasting. Sitting on my patio with
an ex and listening to old R&B music while sipping on a nice red that I had
chosen while having a good conversation.
But that’s all they were … moments.
And if I’ve learned anything it’s that you cannot build a fulfilling life
around small, fleeting moments.
The
past 365 days have been enlightening and amazing. I feel like I have accomplished things that I
never would have if I was still operating under the alcohol haze. Alcohol zapped me of any energy I once had and
when I stopped drinking, I wanted to take on projects and actually accomplish
things.
I
am exercising and eating right and have been able to maintain the weight I lost
back in the Spring of 2021. I started
the journey to lose weight right before I quit drinking and found that I lost
even more weight once I put down the bottle.
I
am meditating regularly and loving it. At
first, it was a struggle, but I conditioned myself to stop forcing something to
happen and I simply leaned into my ability to sit and breathe without
expectation. Meditation is helping me to
stay focused on the present and not allowing random thoughts to distract me
from what is going on right in front of me.
I
took on the task of decluttering my home.
After decluttering my mind, taking on the task of my home was a piece of
cake. I boxed up DVDs, CDs and books and
donated them to either good will or The Book Exchange. It was so freeing to be rid of things that I
have been hanging onto for so long.
Seriously, why did I still have CDs?
I
have rediscovered my love for writing and reading for pleasure. This is huge.
I have always loved writing but was also very hard on myself because it
does not come easily. But here’s the
thing … it does not come easily for any writer!
What a revelation that was. So,
I’m writing. I’m actually working on a
collection of short stories and perhaps one day you will find my collection
wherever you buy books. One thing I know
for sure is that writers read and since I had gotten rid of most of my books it
was time to use the credit I received from the Book Exchange and pick up a few
more. Here is a list of what I have read
over the past few months:
On
Writing, by Stephen King
Just After Sunset,
by Stephen King
Interpreter
of Maladies, by Jhumpa Lahiri
Whereabouts,
by Jhumpa Lahiri
Midnight
& Indigo, edited by Ianna A. Small
How
to Breathe Underwater, by Julie Orringer
A
House Among the Trees, by Julia Glass
Among
the Ten Thousand Things, by Julia Pierpont
A
Gate at the Stairs, by Lorrie Moore
Lily’s
Song,
Susan Gabriel
The
Most Beautiful Book in the World, by Eric-Emmanuel
Schmitt
Writers
and Lovers, by Lily King
Rutting
Season, by Mandeliene Smith
The
Love of a Good Woman, by Alice Munro
The
Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer
Living
Untethered beyond the Human Predicament, by Michael Singer
The
Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway
All
this reading is helping with my writing, but I also know that there are other
things I need to do like take a writing workshop and get feedback on what I’ve
written. Writing is a solo activity but
at some point, I am going to have to turn the pages over and get real, constructive
feedback.
Since I stopped drinking, I am more
and more aware of time. I’m aware that I’m
very close to 60 years old. Very close
to retirement. Very close to death. I’ve wasted a lot of time in a drunken fog,
and I refuse to allow another day, week, month or year go by without working on
my purpose.
I
am in such a good place. A place that I
do not believe I ever would have arrived at if I had a bottle in my hand. I’m grateful for this life. I’m grateful for my past. I’m grateful for the lessons and I am
grateful for the future and for whatever it holds.
