Thursday, August 9, 2018

No Words are Good Enough

I am going to have a granddaughter in December.  I have tried several times over seven days to accurately put into words how this makes me feel.  But I can’t.  The words have not been invented that can describe how utterly over the moon I am about this event.  About this little girl. 
When my son first shared with me that he was going to be a father, my initial reaction was shock and disbelief.  How could my baby be having a baby?  Surely, he’s too young to be a father.  Then it hit me that he is older than I was when I had him.  Then I listened to how happy he was at the thought of being a father and then I started to think about it even more. 
I am going to be a grandmother.  Wow. 
My thoughts drifted back to 28 years ago when I had him.  Those were the happiest days of my life up until that point.  I always knew that I wanted to be a mother (even if I wasn’t sure about being a wife) and when that little boy entered my life I knew exactly why God put me on earth.  Then when I had my daughter it became even more clear.  It’s funny, when I first discovered that I was pregnant with my daughter I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.  I thought it was unfair to make my son “share” me with another child.  I didn’t understand how I could possibly have enough love for two children.  When she arrived, I discovered that I had love to spare.  Now that our family is expanding again I cannot even contain the love that I already have for my granddaughter.  My heart is full.
No one is more surprised than me.  For years I would tell my kids that I would not be the grandma that babysits and plays games, so don’t be bringing your little rugrats around me.  But honestly, I cannot wait to take care of that little girl.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Gender Reveal - It's a GIRL!!!

Gender reveal is today!

This is how we'll know whether my grandchild is a girl or a boy!

Jess is going to post a selfie wearing one of these t-shirts.

This generation is weird.

When I was pregnant with my son (the father-to-be) I didn't want to know ahead of time -- I wanted a son.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, 4 years later, I did want to know ahead of time -- I wanted another son.  God gave me what I needed instead.

I honestly don't care either way ... I just can't wait to hold the newest addition of my family in my arms come December.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Independence Day Activities


I got together with some of the ladies from BGR! and participated in the annual Independence Day 5k race at the Mt. Trashmore YMCA.  The race started at 7:30am and it was already close to 80 degrees.  I was able to complete the 3.1 miles in 32 minutes. 

A few things I've noticed with my running: (1) I run faster with a group.  (2) I run faster without music (3) I actually prefer running in the cold even though I despise the cold weather.  At least when it's cold I can warm up and properly cool down.  While training in the heat, you start out hot and only get hotter and it takes forever to cool down. I'm still a summer girl though and I will always prefer the beach to the mountains -- as long as I'm not exercising. 

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

July 3rd

Whenever I begin to feel some kinda way about how things are going in my life I look back and reflect on how things have changed from how they used to be.  It really does amaze me how drastically things can change over time.  It’s a great reminder that “trouble don’t last always”.  Which is why one of my favorite scriptures is and will always be Romans 8:18 – The sufferings of this present time cannot be compared to the future glory that will be revealed in us.

 July 3, 1993 – 25 years ago I married my second husband and 8 years later we were divorced.

July 3, 2003 – 15 years ago I started a long-term relationship with the musician and that lasted almost 7 years.  Probably 5 years longer than it should have. 

July 3, 2010 – 8 years ago I spent a long holiday weekend alone at a beautiful spa and celebrated “my independence” day.

July 3, 2013 – 5 years ago I just completed my first figure competition and was in the best physical shape of my life and I discovered my passion for fitness.

July 3, 2017 – Last year I met and went on a first date with a kind, thoughtful, beautiful man and began a relationship that has allowed me to get out of my own way and allow love to happen.

July 3, 2018 – Today I am enjoying a good job, a great relationship and by the end of the year I’ll be welcoming my first grandchild into the world.

Things continue to change and for better or worse there are always lessons.  The last 25 years have not all been wine and roses – although there has been plenty of wine – and I’m still here.  I am excited about the next 25.  I have absolutely no idea what the future holds but what I do know is that I am here for every single minute of it.



Friday, June 8, 2018

Thoughts on a Friday ('night Mother)

Last year my cousin’s wife committed suicide.
Last week one of my co-workers at the gym committed suicide.
This week Kate Spade committed suicide.
Yesterday Anthony Bourdain committed suicide.

I don’t understand the decision to take your own life and I probably never will.  Twenty-eight years ago, I was a new mother and I was overwhelmed by all the new responsibilities that I had.  I was single, and I didn’t know how I was going to handle everything on my own and I briefly contemplated the thought of ending it … at that moment my newborn son cried. I immediately thought to myself, If I leave, who would take care of him?  He literally saved my life that day and I have never considered it again.  I don't believe I have ever told anyone that and I know that I never shared how overwhelmed I was at the time with anyone in my family.

A while back I watched the movie ‘night Mother which is about a woman played by Sissy Spacek who made the decision to kill herself. 

She developed a very detailed plan and she shared the plan with her mother played by Anne Bancroft.  The entire movie was a conversation between the daughter and her mother:  The daughter explaining what she was going to do and everything the mother would have to do afterward; all the while the mother was trying to talk the daughter out of it and providing reason after reason why she should stay alive.

As I watched the movie, I thought to myself that the daughter did not seem mentally ill or unstable.  She planned out every single detail.  Not only the details of how she would commit suicide but also of how her mother would run the household after she was gone.  She was lucid.  She was not hysterical.  It was almost as if she was planning an extended trip out of the country.
The reason she gave for wanting to die was simple:  she just didn’t want to live anymore.  She was done.  She had had enough and was ready to leave.

I can’t help but wonder … is everyone who commits suicide mentally ill?  Or do some people just feel like they’ve done all they care to do in this life and it is time to leave.

I realize that the overwhelming opinion is that suicide is the most selfish act a person could commit.  After all, what about the people they leave behind?  Don’t they count?  I suppose they do but nowadays aren’t we constantly being encouraged to take care of ourselves first?  To be responsible for our own happiness?  That doing things entirely for the sake of others is detrimental to our mental health?

What about the people who battle cancer and decide against treatment?  Should they go through chemotherapy and radiation for their loved ones even though it goes against what they want?  On a personal note, I watched someone fight cancer for years – taking every single treatment available, and it appeared that the treatment was making them sicker and weaker than the cancer.  I suppose I can’t realistically say what I would do because I’m not in that situation, but I believe I would be the one to turn down treatment.  Why?  Because I don’t want my loved ones hanging around for years watching and wondering when I’m going to die.  Fuck that. 

I digress.

I cannot imagine what would make a person decide to take their own life.  Since I don’t understand it I choose not to make judgments.  What I choose to do is check on my loved ones and make sure that they are okay and let them know that I love them and that if they ever need me, I’m here.