Day 25

I skipped today’s workout.  The last time I skipped a workout was because I had a hangover.  Not a terrible hangover, just a slight headache and no motivation. 

That is not the case today.  This morning’s workout was skipped because it was raining.  After I turned off the alarm at 4:00AM, I heard the rain pouring down outside my window and the sound was just so soothing and I realized that I had slept the whole night and it was the most peaceful feeling ever.  It was the best sleep.  I decided in that moment that I wanted to savor that feeling, skip the workout and not feel bad about it.

And I don’t feel bad about it.

I’m closing in on my 30-day sober milestone and I’m really excited.  I ordered a gift for myself from Etsy.  I thought that it would arrive by the anniversary day, but I just realized that the seller is in another country and it won’t arrive on time.  Ugh!  I may get myself another gift for the day.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about this journey as this milestone approaches and I oscillate between thinking whether I have a “drinking problem” or not.  I suppose if I believe I have a problem – then it’s a problem.  There are levels to this thing.  On the one hand, I don’t think I’m an alcoholic.  I’m not a fall-down drunk.  There is no rock-bottom story.  On the other hand, I find myself unable to drink in moderation … like I won’t ever have just one drink.  It’s always two and usually more.  Now that I have stopped, I do not have cravings.  I don’t wish I was drinking again.  I don’t regret my decision to quit.  I happily replaced my wine rack with a tea bag carousel to hold all the different types of tea that I’m drinking.  I don't do mock tails or non-alcoholic beer.  For me, there is no point.

For a very long time, there was a still small voice in my head that told me I needed to quit.  The voice didn’t yell, and it wasn’t insistent.  But it was there.  I heard it and for a long time, I ignored it.  I liked my wine.  But as we all know, everything that is good to you isn’t good for you.  For that matter, it wasn’t even that good to me.  Wine did not enhance my experiences.  It reminds me of when I wanted to quit smoking cigarettes.  I liked smoking but I knew I had to stop.  So, I prayed, and I said to God, “Please remove the desire.”  Eventually, He did just that.  One day I lit up a cigarette and I felt dizzy, lightheaded, and nauseated.  That was the day I quit.

It was a little different with the wine.  It never made me sick – besides the occasional hangover – it was just time.  Time to step out of the haze.  Time to sleep through the night.  Time to lose the wine breath and wine belly.  It was just time.

I have always felt that there was something greater for me.  I believe that God has a plan for my life.  A plan that somehow differs from what I'm doing now.  Something that hasn't even been on my radar.  Perhaps the alcohol was blocking my ability to see what the plan is.  Or maybe, God just had to wait for me to stop drinking in order for him to prepare me for what the plan is.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just talking out my ass, but if not, and there really is a plan, all I can say is, "Lord, I'm ready."

Day 25