Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I Can See Clearly Now ...

It seems to me that when I was younger the different phases of my life were very clear. There were no gray areas to speak of. Beginnings were clear. Endings were clear. High school ended. College began. Marriages began. Marriages ended. Pregnancies began. Children were born. You get the picture.

However, it seems nowadays that everything is just a little fuzzy. Blurry even. Maybe it's all the wine I've consumed in the past few years. Speaking of which, I have found that I don't particularly care for Sauvingon Blanc (which is the wine of the month), so today I'm back to red and enjoying a Mondavi Pinot Noir. Y-U-M. Anyway, my beginnings and endings aren't so clear anymore. I have so much going on and sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the middle of all this activity and I don't really have an active role in any of it.

In the past year:

I have changed jobs
Bought a new vehicle
My son graduated high school and enrolled in college
My daughter is about to start high school
I've enrolled in a $6,000 class for the purpose of furthering a career that I'm not sure I want (good thing I'm not paying for it)
I'm attempting to create a freelance gig on the side
Celebrated 5 years with my man
Traveled more than I cared to
Picked up more singing gigs
(In short, I'm a full-time mom with a full-time job, a full-time man, a part-time writing career and a part-time singing career)

It's like all this stuff is happening to me and I'm just following some script that someone else wrote.


When I stop and think about how my script would look, I'm not really sure it would include any of this stuff. All I want to do is lounge on a chaise and look at the ocean. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy in my life. In fact, I've never been happier. This is a great time for me. Sometimes I just look around and soak it all in and it overwhelms me. It's just that I often feel like I can't take credit for any of it.

Seriously, how did I get here? I'm a high school graduate with a few years of college under my belt. I'm twice divorced and raising two knuckleheads, I own my home and one of my vehicles, I'm sending my son to school ... without financial aid. Again, I ask you ... how did I get here? This has not always been my life. I remember when a family pack of chicken wings and a box of Bisquick had to get me through for at least a week. I remember dodging bill collectors' phone calls. I remember being too afraid to say "no" to phone solicitors and ending up with subscriptions to magazines that I never read.

When I was a young woman and first starting out my every move centered around surviving. So, I had to figure out what I had to do right then in order to survive the day, the week or the month. I never planned beyond that. I couldn't think about the future when I had to worry about making it to the end of the month. You know? Now that I don't have to worry about today, tomorrow or next week I have more time to think about what I want to be doing in 10 years. And for real, in ten years I don't want to be working a nine-to-five. Listen to me, my only motivation for getting up everyday and going someplace that I don't want to go was to feed my children. Guess what? In eight years (max) I will no longer be responsible for feeding the knuckleheads ... some people work because they love to work. I work because that is all I know. I don't know how to "get over". I don't know how to marry rich. I don't how to be totally dependent on another person for my survival. So I work. A lot. And well. I'm good at what I do but it is not my life's passion. I envy people who are doing what they love. My guy is doing what he loves. He reminds me often that it is still work but it doesn't seem like it because it's what he loves to do.

Am I rambling? Must be the pinot.

Anyway, I have no regrets. It is what it is. I know now that I have to put certain things in place today so that I'm not working like a dog well into my sixties.


Diva (in Demand) said...

Great post Chele!!!!!! For some reason it just made me smile.

nikki said...

1. i am extremely happy for you
2. your life is inspirational for those of us who are still planning for the end of the week. i can't wait until i'm where you are.