Sessions

It’s been a long week and there are many things that I’d like to say and I am sure that I have no idea where to begin or where this post is even going. I’ve had a lot on my mind and one of the things that I have discovered and have even accepted is the fact that I really don’t know everything. I have discovered that needing someone does not make me weak. That is a huge discovery for me. You have no idea how huge. I spoke to a friend a few weeks ago and at the end of the conversation he told me that I need to stop walking around with my superwoman cape on and let someone help me. He didn’t say it in a nice way either. Only a friend could get away with telling me that and admittedly, I wanted to hang up in his smug face, but I listened. I don’t know exactly when I took on the alter ego of superwoman but I can admit that it has not served me well. I have cut people out of my life. I have built these ridiculous walls around myself that no one could penetrate. Then I would fault anyone who tried for not trying hard enough. Is that crazy, or what? Honestly, I am afraid to let people in. Yes, in the past I have been hurt when I decided to trust people but I think I now realize that not trusting people does not prevent me from being hurt. While building my walls I didn’t take into consideration that not only can’t people can’t get in, but I’ve made it very hard for me to get out. I think I may have missed out on some awesome experiences because I have refused to allow myself to take risks with my feelings. Over the weekend I told B that my days are meaningless without him in my life. Guess what? After saying it I did not spontaneously combust. Imagine that. I’m still scared I might though. But that fear is just something I’m going to have to work through. In my lifetime, I have experienced some things that no woman should have to endure. But I’m still here and if I don’t take those experiences and learn from them than I’m afraid I might be living a wasted life. Whatever happened to me happened a long time ago and I can’t continue to carry that shit around with me like luggage. I’ve accepted those experiences but I haven’t let them go and until I do I won’t be able to really move on. Today I’m letting it go. I was stuck for so long and for some reason that I cannot explain the thought of my kids eventually moving out really brought it to the forefront. I see what I’ve been doing to myself and it’s just not healthy. For years when I looked in the mirror I would see a happy, smiling twenty-something but at some point, I looked in the mirror and saw my mother. Don’t get me wrong, my mother is a beautiful woman but she is seventy-one years old. And I ... am … not. I feel a little freer today.

We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming.