I’ve come to the conclusion after a week on the beach that I want to do better. I want to be better.
Except …
I’m a little lazy. I have a problem with accountability. And I’m not sure how to begin.
Besides that, I really do want to do better. I really do want to be better.
What do I mean?
Well, I just don’t believe that I’m living up to my potential. When I think back over the past few years and I recall all the things that I wanted to do; things I got really excited about yet never accomplished it makes me a little sad. A few years ago I was determined to learn how to play the piano. My guy bought me an electric keyboard and I was all hype, I practiced everyday and I was really beginning to understand how to read music … and then I got bored. The keyboard is sitting in my bedroom collecting dust. Another example was when I decided that since writer’s block was preventing me from finishing my second novel, I was going to be a freelance writer. I did tons of research and submitted tons of articles to various publications and I was really positive in the beginning. I figured that if I got started now than I would have a career established by the time the Princess graduated high school. I’d be set, right? Wrong. All the rejection letters were too much for me and I quit submitting.
In some respects I feel like a big fat failure. I know I’ve accomplished some things in my life. But for the most part I’m average. I’m living a life of mediocrity and I feel some kind of way about that. At (almost) 45, I feel some kind of way about that. I don’t want to enter old age feeling this way, man. I really don’t . I don’t want to work until I’m dead … unless I’m doing something that I love. My counselor asked me what I thought my next career would be. Honestly, I don’t want another career. I’ve been part of the American workforce for 30 friggin years and I’m tired. Enough already. I want to walk away from the Corporate world and write, write, write. That’s it. That’s all I want to do.
Obviously, I cannot just walk away because no one is throwing money at me to write, write, write. And don’t get me wrong, I do not hate my current job. Not really. I work for a great company and I like what I do and I’m good at what I do. I’m grateful to have a job which allows me to pay for my children's education and take great vacations. I’m blessed but I’m still longing …
Arrrrrrrgh!
I’ve got to make some changes and I’ve got to have a plan. I didn’t have a plan for the first half of my life. I didn’t plan on being married and divorced twice. I didn’t plan on moving to VA. I didn’t plan to raise two kids alone. None of it was planned so I’ve had to make do. I can’t make do anymore. I absolutely refuse to make do. Not for the second half. I’m older and I’m a lot smarter.
The week on the beach was wonderfully therapeutic. Being with the people that I love most did wonders for me. I have a good life. Sometimes, I allow myself to get bogged down in the day-to-day. I used to struggle to just get through each day. There’s a much bigger picture I just have to expand my point of view.
I may be rambling now and that’s okay. The bottom line is that I have work to do. I have to work to make the second half count.
5 comments:
Hugs Chele! First of all, you are NOT a failure. Failing would have been you NOT being able to raise your 2 children alone; being able to be in a functional and loving relationship again; being able to hold down a steady job. I think that's admirable and certainly applaudable.
We all have moments like this and it's okay. God makes NO mistakes and your time will come when it's ordained to be revealed.
Please keep on seeing the forest for the trees. I've never said it before, but I truly do admire you and you're one of the women in the bloggersphere that I defer to in my mind on ways to improve my own life.
Stay up virtual friend; stay up.
Love to live; live to love!
Thanks girl. I appreciate it!
I've been thinking about this post for the past 2 days, and will probably mention it in tomorrow's post...
Chele, you are never average... God expresses a dimension of his personality through you that has never been expressed through anyone else. That in itself makes you exceptional...
You said in your first paragraph:
"...I want to do better. I want to be better."
I learned from you to change that to...
"...I will do better. I will be better."
Each day, you get closer to whatever better is. Really.
And your mere thoughts and self assessment here prove it all the more.
You spoke about the writing submissions and the rejections and how you feel like a failure. God gives us all gifts and one of yours is writing. I think he blessed me with the same gift and yet I have tons of stories that I have started on my computer and yet never finished. The one thing I admire about writers like yourself is that you have published a book. Do you know what that means? That means when Chele dies and leaves the earth, nobody can take away your work. People will go to libraries and your book, your words, your thoughts will ALWAYS be here. Do you know how great that is? Imagine your grandchildren and great grandchildren being able to say their grandmother was an author and they can read your words?! That's not something to sneeze at.
You are never a failure. I am not sure anyone is ever a failure unles they literally just give up and lie down and die.
We all have these moments and som more than other. The one thing that makes you and those that think like you is that...you want change for better, whereas most people don't believe in being better, they settle for just being mediocre.
You inspire me ...you always have..and even when you question yourself...you still do.
Never stop growing.
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