Due Diligence

I have a friend who is a serial dater. She is divorced and really wants to get married again. I admire her ability to put herself out there and meet people. She’s involved in community activities and wherever people are, she’s there. I’ve never had that ability and most of the time I’d rather be alone in my cocoon. If I had to start dating again now, I don’t know what I’d do.

Anyway, my friend meets a lot of people and recently she had a “date” with a guy who she had known previously and he has recently resurfaced. They went out and had a great time and after the date they went back to her house and according to her they stayed up all night listening to music and playing guitar hero and stupid stuff life that. A fairly innocent evening.

The next day he said he needed to talk to her. So they got together again, played some pool, had some drinks … nothing too serious. Then he begins to explain to her that he is a “geo-bachelor”. Which means that he’s in the military and while he is in our state he is a bachelor but he actually has a wife and children in another state. He does not wear a wedding ring on his finger, but on a chain around his neck.

WTF?

When she told me the story I began to call this guy every name in the book. Then I stopped myself and asked her if she had asked him if he was married. She asked him if he had ever been married and his response was snarky and sarcastic: “Yeah, about seven times. Ha Ha Ha.”

Ha Ha Hell.

I went back to cussing him out because it was his responsibility to disclose the truth but it was also her responsibility to press him for a serious answer.

Obviously, I assumed that she would cut him off and move on to the next but she said that she didn’t want to give up their friendship and that he was a really nice guy. Again I say, WTF? I asked her how she would feel if her husband was hanging out with a single girl until 3:00 am? She had to think about that one because ironically, her ex-husband met his new wife while he was enjoying his status as a geo-bachelor.

Male-female friendships are tricky and are usually not all that innocent. Not all of them. My best friend is a man and there has never been anything sexual between us. Ever. Ewwww. Just ewwww. But for the most part those relationships are difficult to navigate and in my friend’s situation I refuse to believe that this guy’s motivation was to be friends. Why call yourself a geo-bachelor? Why not just say, “I’m married”?

And at the same time, I believe that men can only get away with lying to us if we are receptive to the lie. I allowed my first husband to tell me all kinds of lies. I knew something wasn’t right but … I had the ring, the invitations had gone out so I was receptive to the lies. Ladies, we’ve got to do better. We’ve got to do our due diligence. Ask the right questions. Know who you are with. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Know yourself. Honor yourself. Respect yourself.