My Project and a Little Story

It’s Friday and I’m exhausted from being all deep. So I decided to lighten things up a bit.

I said I needed a project so my hair is my new project. This is Friday’s hair.



I am so regretting the fact that I cut my hair so my project is to get it back to shoulder length by my next birthday in October. Hopefully, I can at least get it into a ponytail by summer. So that means, protective styles, no heat, deep conditioning and supplements. I won’t bore you with updates and all that, because really, who cares besides me?

So this week I was told a story:

There’s this guy who is dating three different women. No one in in this scenario is delusional enough to believe that there is any exclusivity on anyone’s part. They are all just pretty much doing their own thing and they all seem to be satisfied with the situation.

The guy is concerned because one of the women, the one who is in the #1 position, seems to be getting a little attached. They’ve been seeing each other for about two years and even though she says this is a perfect situation for her, her actions seem to contradict this. He says he’s concerned because he doesn’t want her to wake up one day with regrets because she wasted so much time on him because she thought he would change. She thinks she can wait him out.

He says he’s told her his concerns but she protests vehemently and says she’s fine. He feels bad because he knows she’s going to get hurt in the end.

Should he take her at her word and keep seeing her or cut her off altogether?

Don't you just love a good moral dilemma?

Snob?

Okay so here’s the thing: every now and then I search through the (minimal) options on an on-line dating site. I have a profile, without a picture and I am not a paying member. Why? Because I’m not really ready to go there but I’m still curious.

Yesterday, I received a quick note from a guy who (of course) asked to see a picture and said he liked my profile. I scanned his profile and two things jumped out: he only goes to church on special occasions and his favorite restaurant was TGIFriday.

After I finished laughing, I hit the X in the right hand corner and kept it moving.

The church thing bugged me a little because it's hard to relate to somone spiritually if I attend services every week and they don't attend at all or on special occasions. And I would rather not be in a position where I have to beg someone to accompany me to church. I love going and I would like the person I'm with to share that with me.

The restaurant thing is a little more difficult for me to accept. TGIFriday? Really? If you know me, you know I take my food very seriously. I do not frequent chain restaurants. I just don’t. I have nothing against you if that’s your choice, it’s just not mine. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken the kids to Red Robin for dinner several times. I’ve even hit up Smokey Bones in a pinch. And let's not forget the spicy garlic wings at Buffalo Wild Wing.

But on the regular? Um no. I don’t know where you live but around these parts there are just too many good locally owned spots with fantastic food and service for me to pass them by. I write about some of my favorites here. It drives me crazy when folks suggest a trip to Red Lobster when we live minutes from the Atlantic Ocean and the Chesapeake Bay and have access to fresh seafood. Fresh seafood, I said!!!

So a guy who tells me that his favorite restaurant is TGIFriday gets the side-eye. O_o His favorite? All I can see is a lifetime of cheap wine and potato skins. I simply cannot. Then I thought, well maybe I can introduce him to some nicer restaurants (by the way, “nicer” does not always mean more expensive). Well, I can’t do that either. I don’t want to be in a position where I’m always waiting for someone to catch up. And somehow I don’t believe that a person who frequents TGIFriday would be very open to try new things.

Does this make me a snob? It's okay if you say yes. If I'm a snob, at least I'm a well-fed snob.

I'm out.

8 Days, 2 Messages

Friday - They met for the first time at an event. Interesting because it was an event that neither one of them would have normally attended. Because they were the only two people of color in attendance they eventually gravitated toward one another and struck up a conversation. Small talk, nothing heavy. He knows she has two children, she knows he has one. She leaves the event early because of another commitment but leaves him with her business card, which only contains her work phone number and email. He explains that he will be out of town all next week because he didn’t want her to get the impression that he was blowing her off in case she didn’t hear from him. She shrugs her shoulders and leaves.

Saturday -_-

Sunday -_-

Monday - To her surprise, he calls her at work as he is on his way out of town. She expresses her surprise as she didn’t expect to hear anything all week. More small talk. At the end of the conversation he indicates that she can call him if she wants to. She says she’ll just wait until he gets back to town.

Tuesday -_-

Wednesday -_-

Thursday - He calls her at work and says he has meetings on her side of town on Friday and wants to know if she would like to have lunch. He says that he has cleared the entire day so time is not a factor. She accepts the invitation and tells him to call her back on Friday when he is out of his meetings and she’ll tell him where and when to meet her.

Friday - He calls her at work after his meetings and she gives him the time and location for lunch.

They meet and even though she has a mental list of questions to ask him she holds off on the interrogation until after they order their food. The conversation is flowing and they seem to be having a good time. An hour and a half passes and she really has to get back to work. She reconsiders the interrogation and is debating on whether or not she should give him her cell phone number. She knows she can’t give out the digits without asking one very important question:

Her: I need to ask you something, because if I don’t it’s going to bother me all weekend.

Him: Go ahead.

Her: It’s about your daughter’s mother.

Him: She has one.

Her: You’re married?

Him: Yes.

Her: Excuse me?

Him: Yes.

Her: And you’re here because …

Him: -_-

Her: I find it interesting that you would think this is okay. I find it even more interesting that you think that I would think this is okay. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of women who find this acceptable but I’m not one of them. I don’t have the desperate gene. Thanks for lunch. Good bye.

Message to Married Men: Honor your commitment and stop stepping to single women. Seriously, you suck.

Message to Desperate Women: The only reason ole boy thought that this was okay is because of YOU. Stop giving married men the green light to step to you, it makes the rest of us non-desperate types look bad. Stop lying to yourself by saying that this behavior is okay. It’s not okay! Seriously, you suck.

Due Diligence

I have a friend who is a serial dater. She is divorced and really wants to get married again. I admire her ability to put herself out there and meet people. She’s involved in community activities and wherever people are, she’s there. I’ve never had that ability and most of the time I’d rather be alone in my cocoon. If I had to start dating again now, I don’t know what I’d do.

Anyway, my friend meets a lot of people and recently she had a “date” with a guy who she had known previously and he has recently resurfaced. They went out and had a great time and after the date they went back to her house and according to her they stayed up all night listening to music and playing guitar hero and stupid stuff life that. A fairly innocent evening.

The next day he said he needed to talk to her. So they got together again, played some pool, had some drinks … nothing too serious. Then he begins to explain to her that he is a “geo-bachelor”. Which means that he’s in the military and while he is in our state he is a bachelor but he actually has a wife and children in another state. He does not wear a wedding ring on his finger, but on a chain around his neck.

WTF?

When she told me the story I began to call this guy every name in the book. Then I stopped myself and asked her if she had asked him if he was married. She asked him if he had ever been married and his response was snarky and sarcastic: “Yeah, about seven times. Ha Ha Ha.”

Ha Ha Hell.

I went back to cussing him out because it was his responsibility to disclose the truth but it was also her responsibility to press him for a serious answer.

Obviously, I assumed that she would cut him off and move on to the next but she said that she didn’t want to give up their friendship and that he was a really nice guy. Again I say, WTF? I asked her how she would feel if her husband was hanging out with a single girl until 3:00 am? She had to think about that one because ironically, her ex-husband met his new wife while he was enjoying his status as a geo-bachelor.

Male-female friendships are tricky and are usually not all that innocent. Not all of them. My best friend is a man and there has never been anything sexual between us. Ever. Ewwww. Just ewwww. But for the most part those relationships are difficult to navigate and in my friend’s situation I refuse to believe that this guy’s motivation was to be friends. Why call yourself a geo-bachelor? Why not just say, “I’m married”?

And at the same time, I believe that men can only get away with lying to us if we are receptive to the lie. I allowed my first husband to tell me all kinds of lies. I knew something wasn’t right but … I had the ring, the invitations had gone out so I was receptive to the lies. Ladies, we’ve got to do better. We’ve got to do our due diligence. Ask the right questions. Know who you are with. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Know yourself. Honor yourself. Respect yourself.

Caprese or Bruschetta?

Last night was date night and I must say, it was fab-u-lous! I don't write about date night every week because they are not always fab-u-lous.

For example, last week we went to some fru-fru seafood place in Town Center and I hated it. The food was okay, the service was okay, the atmosphere was okay and it was overpriced. We don't mind paying whatever for food ... because we love to eat ... but if everything is "just okay" than the prices should reflect that.

And the week before that, B decided that he would have a long liquid lunch with one of his buddies so when it came time to have date night, he was slurring his words and he ruined it for me. So I took a pass and went on home.

So, it's not always perfect. But last night ... oh last night ... we went here and it was just wonderful. Date night is alive and well in Virginia Beach. We had heard about Eurasia for a while but last night was the first time we had actually gone. The place is small, quaint, cozy, intimate (insert your favorite adjective here) and from the moment we walked in I felt comfortable.

They have a large wine selection but if you prefer to buy a bottle from the adjacent wine shop (at retail), Eurasia will open, present and pour it for you for a $10 corkage fee.

The night did not go off without some confusion. I ordered bruschetta and thought I was eating caprese. "What's the difference?" you may be asking. Or, maybe you are more sophisticated than me and you already know the difference.

This is bruschetta:

and this is caprese:

I got confused because my brushetta wasn't served on giant pieces of bread. The bread was thinly sliced and they added fresh mozzarella and I had to use a knife and fork. So the whole time I thought I was eating caprese. Except it was warm and caprese is served cold.

You don't care do you?

Neither did I because whatever you call it, it was fantastic. And that was just the salad. I ordered grilled scallops with garlic mashers, arugula and a sweet tomato jam ... hoooooney ... I'm trying to tell you. B ordered a BLT steak salad ... which was big enough for a big man. We both had wine ... I had a fume blanc and he had pinot noir.

Everything was perfect. The food, the wine, the atmosphere, the service, the company. Especially the company. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this before but the reason we established date night was to ensure that we spent "real" time together. We are both busy and his weekends are almost always tied up with work. It's hard to find the time but I noticed that if we don't spend regular time together I feel lonely and disconnected from him and there is nothing worse than feeling lonely while you're in a relationship. So, date night was born. It's important. It's vital. It's mandatory. Tuesdays are not always perfect. They're not always fab-u-lous but as long as we continue to make the effort than I believe that we won't go wrong.

Date Night

If we don't set aside a night just for us than we would never see each other. Tuesday is the designated night. Why Tuesday? Why not Tuesday? So after work I drove directly to his house in moderate traffic to begin the Tuesday ritual that we have affectionately deemed "date night".

When I arrived he was finishing his last load of laundry; taking clothes out of the dryer and folding them quickly while I listened to Muddy Waters on the CD player. Muddy had his mojo workin' and I bobbed my head and tapped my foot right along with him. I love date night. Once the clothes were put away we head out. I usually hand him the keys and make him drive ... you know because I like being driven around ... but this time I took the wheel. I slowly eased my way onto First Colonial Road, which is no easy feat at 5:30 in the afternoon but I did it and after driving a few short miles I pulled into our favorite spot. It's an open air place with a huge deck that overlooks the Lynnhaven River. As soon as I sat down all the tension of the day disappeared. All the cares and worries that I thought I had meant nothing. It's the air on the water I tell you. It's the air on the water.

We patronize this spot all the time and in the beginning I tried to order a Grey Goose cosmo, but unfortunately, they didn't have Grey Goose so I had to have Absolut. After a few too many hangovers, I decided that when we visit our favorite place I would stick to wine. Absolut is absolutely not for me. So last night I ordered wine and to my surprise, they had the goose. I just shook my head and sipped my chardonnay. After all, I was on the Lynnhaven River and none of it even mattered.

He and I have our best conversations on date night. We talk about our goals and what we're doing to meet them. I always tell him how much I admire him for taking that leap of faith to self-employment and making such a success out of it. He always tells me that he wouldn't have done it without my support. I told him that I know what my problem is ... I have no vision. Oh, I have the board but it doesn't display a vision ... know why? Because I don't have one. When I think about what I want my life to look like, all I can see is me on a chaise ... chilling. That's my vision. He nods his head and looks over my shoulder as yet another boat goes by. And once again he tries to convince me that we should go out on the water. However, my irrational fear of the water prevents that from happening.

Oh how I love date night. After three glasses of wine for me and three grey goose and cranberry's for him it was time to get something to eat. So we left our beautiful view and went to the Dockside. Same river, different deck, different view. One of the benefits of living in Virginia Beach is the rock fish, or striped sea bass as they are also called. We usually order two different meals and share but lately neither one of us can resist the rock. So, after an appetizer of oysters rockerfeller, he ordered grilled rock fish and I ordered mine blackened. This fish, no lie, just melts in your mouth. It has so much flavor I can't even describe it. The first time I tasted it, maybe four years ago, I was just shocked that a piece of fish could be so good. I grew up eating cod and catfish. But once you have rock fish, there is no other fish. There's not a lot of conversation at dinner for obvious reasons, but we manage to get in a few sentences. Of course, after he's had five or so vodka and cranberry's he's prone to being a little talkative ... I'm just drinking water at this point and because he's not really saying anything, I wish he'd just shut up. Not in a mean way, it's just that sometimes it's okay be quiet.

Another date night is coming to a close. He gives me his credit card and he excuses himself. When he gets back he glances at the bill and asks me to put 20% on it and sign his name. We head back to his house with me behind the wheel and the conversation picks up again. This time he's getting nostalgic and a little melancholy. He needs to go to bed and I need to go to the bathroom. I pull up in front of his house and run in for a quick minute. He walks me back out to my car, gives me a quick kiss and I head back across town.

It's just a few hours on a Tuesday night. But I look forward to it every week and I miss it when something comes up and we have to put it off. It is so important for us to spend this time with each other. I love date night.