I feel like I’m drowning.
I don’t normally experience periods of stress. Depression, yes. Stress, no. What’s the difference? I can never pinpoint the cause when I’m depressed. But with stress, I know exactly what’s bothering me and I have to fight not to eliminate the cause completely. (Breathe) Right now I’m feeling stressed. It’s a bummer because I was feeling so relaxed and peaceful over the weekend … now it’s just a distant memory. Between my home repairs, my daughter, my boyfriend and my unfulfilling job I just don’t know which way to turn. I’m tired and frustrated and I’m tired some more. This morning as I was putting on this suit all I could think was I how I didn’t want to come to this beautiful corporate building but how much happier I would be if I was going to a little book store that I owned and operated.
Book store? Where did that come from? I have no idea but I saw myself sitting behind the counter with my laptop and a cup of tea, greeting the customers that still appreciate the intimacy of the independent book store. I’d be surrounded by books all day and I would be available to answer questions and make recommendations – much like I do now in the corporate world only I’d be advising people on things that matter to me. I wouldn’t wear a suit and I would have scented candles burning all day. I can see it so clearly… of course, I know nada about running a business and how long does it take for a new business to turn a profit anyway …
No harm in dreaming. I mean, if you are going to get out of bed in the morning and put on shoes it may as well be for a purpose that means something to you, right?
My countdown to 45 is definitely showing me that I have way further to go than I ever imagined. As I get older things don’t seem to come to me as easily as they used to and I just feel like stomping my feet, folding my arms and storming off. To where, I don’t have a clue. That’s my problem, I don’t have a friggin’ clue.
It’s been nine days since I’ve been to the gym. Arrrrrrrgh!!!!!
Did you see Whitney on Oprah? I cried.
Today I read Matthew 19 and 20. I was struck by the mother of James and John and how she boldly requested that her sons sit at the right and left hand of Jesus in the kingdom (20:21). Jesus told James and John that they had no idea what they were asking for. They didn’t have a clue the responsibility that came with such a request. I want so desperately to make a difference and have my time here mean something … but do I really even know what that means? Am I prepared or even able to make the necessary sacrifices? Why do I so often give myself permission to just do nothing?
