I have conversations with myself on a regular basis. The best ones are in my car on my way home from work. Sitting in traffic or whizzing down 64, I often pose questions and try to view them from all angles. I don’t usually come up with a definitive answer. It’s like journaling out loud.
Here’s how one of the recent conversations went:
I wonder if I’ll ever get married again. I’m only 46 and I could quite possibly live another 46 years. Do I want to spend those years alone? I really don’t. But marriage? Really? Well, it would have to be marriage because I’m not about to shack up. And I’m not about the casual thing. Dating is fine but there will be no nekkid horizontals without a marriage license. Been there and that mess is for the birds. I’m not doing it. So, should I get married to keep from sinning or should I just stay single? I mean, it’s not even a decision that has to be made right now. It’s not like their beating a path to my door. I know I’m not the pretty girl anymore. I’m the pretty girl’s mom. I get that. Even if I did have any prospects I’m not ready. I just got out of a long-term relationship and I’m not trying to take on another owner. I enjoy my free time. I enjoy being single and quite honestly, sometimes when I see men I just want to punch them in the face. That’s terrible, I know. But that guy who took me to lunch and then ended up being married … he needed to be punched in the face. Or at least have a glass of water thrown on him. He’s lucky I’m not down with the drama. But you know what I mean. Someone needs to convince me that there are good, single, Christian, stable men out there that are my age and want to be with someone my age. I need some serious convincing because I don’t see it. I know I know. I don’t see them because I’m not looking. Well, sorry that’s not how I was raised. I don’t pursue. So where does that leave me, exactly? Who knows. Honestly, I don’t know how married folks do it. I sleep all over my queen-sized bed. How do you limit yourself to one side? I spend my money how ever and on what ever I want to. What’s it like to consult someone before making a purchase? Joint bank accounts? How do you do it? I don’t know, man. I’ve been married and it didn’t work. Maybe I’m just not supposed to be Mrs. So-and-So. But at the same time, the thought of having someone to share my life with fills me with longing. I miss not having someone to snuggle up with in front of the fireplace. I miss date night. I miss the silly conversations for no reason at all. The hand holding. The stolen moments. I really do miss all those things. I can’t deny it. And trying to fill the hours with a bunch of other activities, trying to convince myself that I don’t miss those things is nothing but exhausting. I enjoy hanging out with friends. I enjoy the book club. I enjoy the church groups. I enjoy it all but it does not take the place of spending quality time with one special person. Not for me anyway. I wonder if I’ll ever get married again.
By this time, I’ve pulled into my driveway and the voices have stopped. No resolution. No answers. Just questions.