Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Changing the Conversation

It dawned on me that my youngest will soon be 18 years old.  Technically an adult.  If she decides to date someone in their twenties, what can I say?  I can advise but I can't really dictate.  A friend told me that I have to change my conversations with her to be less authoritative.  I've started already and it's an interesting shift.  She went to a concert tonight and I was not pleased with the dress she had on.  Six months ago I told her to march upstairs and change.  Today ... well, I just looked but she knew how I felt. 

"What?  Just say it," she said. 
"I just don't know why you'd want to go to a concert in something so uncomfortable," I replied. 
"I'm comfortable."
"How can you be comfortable in something that you have to constantly pull down to cover your butt and constantly pull up to cover your boobs?"
She had nothing.
And she didn't change.
Oh well.  At least she had on a jacket and wasn't completely exposed.  And she's with her older brother.

I will always say what is on my mind but now I suppose I have to think before I say it. 

Interesting shift, indeed.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think the "shift" may come easier for me when they both MOVE OUT!! LoL but while they are still here..... And EVERY.BILL.HAS.MY.NAME.ON.IT.....

I understand....I gotta work on it...
Dee in s.D

TJ said...

I have found myself having to change the way I say things to my oldest son, leaving him more room to make choices for himself as opposed to telling him "how things are going to be."

bayoucreole said...

Oh my, I have so much work to do then. My daughter will be 18 in two weeks...

Rose said...

I didn't change. My daughter is 23 and still in college. Although she worked full time since her sophomore year which I should have stopped, I told her I run thinks until she is able to live on her own and take care of her business. She just rolls her eyes to the top of her head.

BluJewel said...

Lil Lady moved out in April and while I was reluctant to accept her decision, I knew I had to. She's 20 and for the most part responsible. What hurts is the once very close relationship we had has been replaced with texts from her for the most part ONLY when she wants something or has a question instead of let me say hi first before asking. Worse yet, having her just call/text to say "hi" period.

I've had to do a lot of shifting and simply fall back. It sucks, but I'm learning each day to be a little better at it.

Newy said...

I shifted with my now 23 year old when he was 20 and gave me his azz to kiss. Basically told me what I better to regarding paying for college and that was what I was SUPPOSED to do. I cut him off financially for a year. It was hard but I made it clear to him that adult actions have adult consequences. Our relationship now has never been better. Instead of telling him what to do, I make suggestions on what he may want to think about. He is a great adult now. I think we both struggled during that transition period because I felt justified in telling him what to do as long as I was financially supporting him and he struggled for power because according to the law, he was an adult. That 3 year period is a learning curve for both the parent and the child.