Silencing the Voices

Up until yesterday I was visualizing myself taking the stage in June and walking off the stage with a trophy.  Actually, I’ll be competing in three different divisions so I saw myself with more than one trophy.  Then something happened yesterday … don’t ask me what … but a voice in my head said, “You know, there’s a possibility that you won’t win.  There’s a possibility that you won’t even place.”

What?

Then I got depressed.  All this hard work, all this lifting, all this dieting, all this cardio and no trophy?  It was cold and rainy yesterday and when I got off work I went home and curled up on my bed.  I told myself that I wasn’t going to do my cardio.  What was the point, after all?  I could skip a day.  Then after about 30 minutes another voice said to me, “You know, the girls who are going to place are actually in the gym right now.”

So I got up and did my 40 minutes of cardio and I felt amazing afterward.  It’s a good thing that I’m not an emotional eater because I really could have done some damage.

Here’s the thing:  I didn’t start this journey thinking about trophies.  I started this journey because I wanted a better body.  And guess what?  I have one.  I’ve accomplished things in the past six months that I never thought I could.  The truth is, I cannot control what the judges are looking for on that night.  It’s completely out of my hands.  All I can do is work my hardest.  Give it 100% and leave it all on the stage.  Whatever happens happens.

I will not allow myself to be defined by a shiny award or how I appear on the outside.  Yes, I am competitive and this competition is all about physical beauty and I'd be lying if I said I didn't really want to win ... but it's about more than that.  It's about determination.  It's about perseverence.  It's about commitment.  It's about strength.  I have all that and the lack of an award won't change that.