Earlier this month I was sick.
I never get sick. I realize I
need to stop saying that because inevitably it happens. It turned out to be a sinus infection. Who knew a sinus infection could make you feel
like you had been hit by an 18-wheeler?
I finished the anti-biotics and I’m sort of back to normal.
While I was sick I had a lot of time to do a lot of thinking. I spent most of the time thinking about how
much I hate being sick and all the things that make me (figuratively)
sick. Things like hours of mindless television,
social media, coffee … isn’t that weird?
Why am I mad at coffee? I haven’t
had a cup in almost three weeks. I’m
also reading again instead of scrolling through the ridiculous chatter of
social media. I finished Terry McMillan’s
Who Asked You? and I just started the
new one from Tayari Jones An American
Marriage.
Here’s my problem with social
media: everyone is talking and no one is
listening and the stuff that people are talking about is complete
foolishness. I don’t care about who’s
getting divorced, or why someone hid their pregnancy or why makeup companies
don’t cater every single skin tone on the planet … I just do not care and you
shouldn’t either.
I’m frustrated with myself because I don’t feel like I’m doing what I’m
supposed to be doing. I’m restless. I remember a time when I was active and
always planning something and having fun and enjoying my life. Life is a gift and I appreciated that gift. Over the past two years I have been
transitioning and now that the transition is complete it’s time to get back to
living. Between 2010 and 2016 I spent an
enormous amount of time alone and I figured out a lot about myself which was
the point. I’m easily distracted so if I’m
not intentional about what I want to do, then I could end up anywhere. It’s like I need a road map to navigate my
life. There are things that I enjoy
doing and when I was single I did those things and now for some reason I
grabbed onto the idea that I can only do stuff that he will do with me. Wrong answer.
Our time together is limited and when we’re not together I still need to
be enjoying my life, not pining away over what he’s doing or counting the
minutes until we’re together again. I
enjoy our time together but I also enjoy my time without him.
I’m going back to doing the things that I love. When I think about the happiest moments of my
life (outside my kids and their accomplishments) I notice that those moments
usually include food and wine and being somewhere … anywhere. I’m too young to have all my conversations
begin with, “I remember when …” the past is the past and I still have quite a
bit of future ahead of me.
So, to that end, I am going to a themed wine dinner on Thursday night
at The Cobalt Grille . They have
one every month and I’ve been to a couple and have always had a good time. I’m also planning my birthday trip to
California because I am finally going to taste wine in Napa … or Sonoma … or wherever.
A friend of mine died last week.
She was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer over 5 years ago and she
fought that thing until the end. She was
69 and I’m sure she lived a very fulfilling life until she didn’t. There was a moment when I was sick that I
thought that maybe it was something more serious. Those thoughts can send you into a tailspin
if you let them. I am not going down
that road … wasting life by thinking about death. I love this life. While I have good health, time and money I am
going to experience as much as I possibly can.
Nothing crazy … I mean, I ain’t jumping outta nobody’s plane but I will
enjoy the things that I love to do and I will try new things when the spirit
moves me to do so.
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