Day 17

 Tell me I cannot do something and in most cases my response will be “watch me”. 

Alcohol was always that elusive thing that I wanted to try when I was younger.  I suppose that was the case with most people.  We always want the thing that we’re not supposed to have.  When I was a kid, I remember my parents drinking Cold Duck on New Year’s Eve and giving us a sip.  It tasted horrible but it was something that was forbidden so for some reason, that made it cool.

When I was a teenager, we would drink the cheapest stuff we could find:  Mad Dog 20/20, Night Train, Olde English and what about Riunite wine?  I still remember that commercial, “Riunite on ice, that’s nice.”

It wasn’t nice.  None of it was.  I don’t remember any of it tasting good but because it was forbidden, we had to do it.

In college, I was introduced to grain alcohol and Bacardi 151.  Sidenote:  I had no idea that “151” meant that it was 151 proof.  Mind you, I am doing all this drinking before I even turned 21 years old – the legal drinking age in most places.  In college, I had a particularly scary thing happen.  It was Halloween and everyone in the dorm dressed up and we were drinking a lot and at some point, someone took out a camera and started taking pictures.  I know this because a week or so later someone asked me if I saw the pictures from Halloween.  “What pictures?” I asked.  I was told to go to so-and-so’s room to see them.  To my surprise and horror, I was in a lot of those pictures and I had no memory of the night whatsoever.  The pictures weren’t risqué or anything … I was just boozy and happy.  It was just the fact that I couldn’t remember photos being taken that scared me.

After that, I eased up on the drinking and pretty much stuck to weed.  That’s another story for a different day.

Once I reached the legal drinking age, I began to experiment with different types of cocktails.  I never knew what to order so I would take cues from television and movies.  I would order rum and coke, screwdrivers, vodka and cranberry juice, cosmopolitans.  Once I ordered a Long Island iced tea when I was with my father.  He watched the bartender make this thing and just looked at me and shook his head.

When I look back, I don’t remember wanting to drink because alcohol tasted good.  The idea was to get a buzz.  I soon reasoned that if I wanted to get a buzz then I should stop ordering mixed drinks and just do shots. Tequila became my drink of choice.  Specifically, Patron Silver.  It was smooth, I could drink a lot of it, and I would never get sick or have a hangover.  The only drawback for me, was that I was able to remember every detail of the previous evening and some of those details should have been forgotten.  There was one particular night in January 1992 that still haunts me to this day …

After some years, I gave up the hard liquor for wine.  Wine, in my estimation was much more sophisticated.  I would go on wine tours, attend tastings and wine dinners.  I learned about wine parings and that some wine tastes better with certain food.  For example, I am not a fan of Chardonnay, however, when paired with fish, it becomes rather tasty.  I was becoming a real expert.  I like wine.  No, I actually love wine.  It was the experience for me.  Going to a nice restaurant and asking for a wine list was a joy.  Having the server allow me to taste it and make a decision was a pleasure. 

Then something happened.  It was no longer an experience.  It was just me, alone opening a bottle and drinking it.  It became no different than making a cup of tea and drinking that (which is what I do now). 

I felt like it was getting out of hand especially when I couldn’t stick to the rules that I would set for myself.  I would plan to give it up for a month and then I would go back after three weeks.  I would say I would only drink on the weekends but that would turn into Thursday through Monday instead of just Friday through Sunday.  My tolerance increased.  Previously, I would have to limit myself to only two glasses whether I was out or at home but at some point, I was able to drink a bottle at one sitting. 

I don’t want to be able to drink like that.  It’s not cute. 

At this point in my life, I’m not even concerned with being sloppy or embarrassing or not being able to function because that is not me.  I'm too much of a control freak for that ever to happen.  What I’m concerned with, is what it’s doing to my body, to my health.  I wish I could see a picture of my liver.  Yeah, those are the things that I think about.  I not only want to live a long life, but I want to live a long, healthy life.  I want to continue to lift weights and run and do my own grocery shopping and cut my own grass.  I want to do everything I can to make sure that I stay strong.  Can I do that and drink in moderation?  Can I drink in moderation?  I don’t know.  I used to be able to – but here lately that is not the case.  I was drinking a lot and there was no one around to check me, so I have to check myself.

17 days.