Day 44

It’s Monday and I can honestly say that I am glad it’s Monday and I’m glad to be at work at not at my house.  The weekend was ridiculously busy – busier than I prefer for a weekend.  It started with a pet emergency (Portia is fine now) and it just escalated from there.  My daughter was in town to help me, but it was still a lot.  By Sunday night all I could do was collapse into the bed – grateful that I got through everything without even craving alcohol.

I take notice of all the things that happen in my life now that would have been justification for a drink.  Small things.  Everyday life occurrences that millions of people don’t see as an excuse to drink.  I was not that person, but I am now and I’m proud of me.  It may seem like a small accomplishment or no accomplishment at all, but for me – it is huge. 

I am in the process of finalizing my birthday plans.  I’m actually traveling this year and I am excited.  I’m going someplace that I have never been and I’m flying first class.  I have never flown first- class, but I feel like I can allow myself some comfort in an uncomfortable situation.  After all, we are still in a pandemic and flying is risky so I may as well be comfortable.  I’m not spending money on alcohol so I can spend it on a first-class plane ticket.  Why not?  It’s funny, whenever I think about making a purchase or hesitate to make one, I tell myself, “You spent more than that on wine!”  For example, I just spent close to $300 on a standing desk for my office.  I sit at my desk for nine hours a day and this desk will really help with my mobility, yet it sat on my Amazon wish list for two years because I didn’t want to spend the money.  It’s all about perspective.   Three hundred dollars’ worth of wine did nothing good for me and I didn’t think twice about spending that money.  I’d like to think I’m smarter now.

I’ll be fifty-seven in less than two months.  When I was thirty, being 57 and what that would mean never even entered my mind.  First of all, I was depressed when I was 30 and couldn’t even see being 31 let alone 57.  Secondly, I never thought I would be this stable, this happy, this grounded.  I am grateful for every single year that has brought me to this place.  I have a good life.