Day 59

“Authenticity is the gift of sobriety”

I heard this quote on a podcast while on my run this morning.  The name of the podcast is Soberful in case you’re interested and when I heard the quote, something about it just rang true for me.  I feel like right now I am living as my most authentic self.  It’s hard to explain.  I never thought I was living inauthentically, but how could I if I was always in an alcohol haze?

When I was drinking, my days consisted of going to work, coming home and sitting on the couch with a glass/bottle of wine.  I am probably making it sound worse than it actually was.  I wasn’t getting drunk, but I was dulling my senses.  I would literally turn off my brain at the end of the day.  I would think about absolutely nothing.  Admittedly, there are times when that is necessary.  There were times in my life when I would pray to be able to shut off my thoughts but that’s not what this was.  This was different. 

Now that I am alcohol-free, I am learning to embrace my thoughts.  Instead of fighting thoughts I welcome them, I identify them, and I keep the ones that are useful and release the ones that are not.  This is how I am moving toward a more authentic way of living my life.

Living authentically, for me, means to simply be true to who I am.  Not running away from who I am and not being afraid of expressing who I am. 

I do not miss drinking and it’s hard to believe that I ever thought it was a good thing.  More times than not it absolutely was not a good thing.  Doing and saying things I would never do or say had I been sober.  But you know what is even worse?  Having to remember those things after you’ve sobered up.  Some of those nights are etched in my brain and will be there for a lifetime.  It’s not pretty.

Thankfully, those days are behind me and I look forward to the days ahead.

It’s day 59 and I’m just a few days away from 2 full months of alcohol freedom.  I was going to allow myself another sobriety gift, but I think I’ll wait until I hit 6 months.  Truth is, I rarely wait for a “special” occasion to treat myself and I don’t really need another gift right now.  I booked my birthday trip and I’m getting new floors installed in my house.  That’s all the gifting I need for now. 

Speaking of the new floors … I’ve needed them for a very long time, but I didn’t want to spend the money and honestly, I just didn’t care.  I would sit on the couch and look at the carpet through the alcohol haze, knowing it looked horrible, and just shrug my shoulders and take another sip.  However, since deciding to improve my physical being, I realize it’s time to improve my environment as well.  I think one naturally influences the other.

Anyway, that’s enough rambling for one day.

Day 59.