What would make you happy?
You're gonna laugh.
Obviously, I don't have a clue. I've had to think real hard for the past couple of hours and I couldn't come up with one thing. So I tried to go back to a period in my life when I know I was happy.
Okay, it's not that bad but what I discovered was that several years ago I believed that I didn't want to be "happy" because happiness was dictated by my emotions. What I wanted was joy. Because joy is there regardless of how you're feeling. So I tried to go back to a period of time when I had joy.
Here's the funny part: it was probaby 6-7 years ago. My divorce was final, I had no man in my life, I was making about half the money I'm making now and I really loved my job. And I was filled with joy. What the heck does that say about me? Not sure. I remember the days prior to the "joy" days. I remember praying alot and I remember God telling me that it's okay for me to be weak because He was strong. I remember turning over every care to God. I knew in my heart that regardless of the balance in checking account, I would be okay. It didn't matter that I slept alone every night, I would be okay. Seriously, knowing that you'll be okay no matter what, has to leave you with the greatest amount of peace. Relying on God is what gave me joy.
Somewhere along the line my thinking became skewed. I spend so much time thinking about today. The jacked up thing my boss said to me today. It's raining today. Today's economy. The roof guy didn't come when he said he would. The landscaper didn't keep his appointment. I'm wasting time on shit that just doesn't fucking matter.
I forgot the words to my foundation scripture: For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)
We've been in this management retreat all week and I'm happy to say that I did take one positive thing from it so far: Behavior dictates attitude. In other words, I can pray for a better attitude until eternity but until I get off my behind and change my behavior nothing is going to happen. For example, if I wait until I feel like exercising, I'll never exercise. On the other hand, if I just start exercising than I'll start to feel better about it. Is this making any sense to anyone?
I have to get away from the sufferings of today. I have to act like I know that it's going to be okay regardless of the crap. Back to the joy days ... gotta get 'em back. My circumstances are so different now but the fact is my circumstances weren't what made me joyful. It was my attitude about my circumstances.
I'm starting to talk in circles so I'm going to stop here. But I'll leave you with this, Bloop, not one tangible thing is going to make me happy. I have everything I need so the answer is clearly somewhere else. Isn't that a line from the Wizard of Oz? What you're looking for was inside you all along, Dorothy.
Oh geez. I am so sleepy.