Don't Fight It

I read somewhere that the thing that you fight hardest against is the thing that seems to grow larger in your life and seems to never go away. Or something like that. In other words, the more energy you exert fighting something, the more the thing fights back.

In any case, you all know how I feel about business travel. Not one of my favorite things in the world to do. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I hate it. Every time my manager would mention that I had to go somewhere I would make a face and cringe on the inside. It always brought back memories of the days when I had to travel to Cambridge 2 days out of the week every week for almost three months. My kids were 12 and 16 then and leaving them for those 2 days and nights gave me anxiety attacks. Now they are older and not really a factor, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Early last year, I had to make a trip to S. Carolina to give a 5 minute presentation. I had to take two planes there and two planes back just to sit in a conference room and give a 5 minute presentation. Don’t ask me why I couldn’t have done it over the phone. These meetings were scheduled for once a quarter and it just really upset me that so much time and money was being wasted and I wasn’t quiet about it. It was driving me crazy. I was able to get out of the next meeting but I couldn’t escape the November meeting.

Since there was no escaping it I decided to stop fighting it. I was tired of being upset. I knew that if I couldn’t change it there was no point in being upset. I had to go. So, I put my attitude to the side and consciously made a decision to enjoy the trip. I still wasn’t thrilled about it but I wasn’t going to be upset anymore. During the November trip I discovered a huge outlet mall right near the office. Jackpot! In addition to the 5 minute presentation, I also attended an awards ceremony and an open house. The time was well spent.

I came home, not looking forward to the next trip but not dreading it either.

Fast forward to yesterday … I’m having a conversation with my manager and he informs me that it won’t be necessary for me to make any more trips to SC. Why? Because one of my colleagues is getting married and moving there and will be the resident Administrator in our SC office.

Ain’t love grand?

I find it fascinating that the minute I changed my attitude and decided to stop fighting these trips, I no longer had to take them. I never asked God to fix it so I wouldn’t have to travel, I accepted what was and kept it moving. But God knew my heart and gave me exactly what I wanted as soon as I stopped fighting. The Bible says in Ephesians 6:5-8:

Servants, respectfully obey your earthly masters but always with an eye to obeying the real master, Christ. Don't just do what you have to do to get by, but work heartily, as Christ's servants doing what God wants you to do. And work with a smile on your face, always keeping in mind that no matter who happens to be giving the orders, you're really serving God. Good work will get you good pay from the Master, regardless of whether you are slave or free. (The Message)

The way I see it, a good attitude will always get you further than a bad one.

Revelations

I like being a mother to older children. In fact, I think I’m a better mother now than I was when my kids were small. I didn’t have much patience back then and little kids need so much. I believe I answered the call, just not with the best attitude.

Yesterday, my son called me to make sure that I was still taking off for my birthday because he wanted to give me my gift on the day. First of all, my birthday is more than 2 weeks away and the fact that it is on his mind is gift enough. Seriously. Also, on yesterday, my daughter thought it was a good idea to make dinner while I went for my run. I don’t mean sandwiches or cereal. The girl was chopping and sautéing vegetables and preheating the oven. The whole thing. I enjoyed a really nice pasta dish after I ran my 3 miles.

I definitely love being a mother to older children.

My manager asked if I absolutely had to take my birthday week off. Huh? What? That was my first reaction because for as long as I can remember I haven’t worked on my birthday and I just recently started taking the entire week off. It’s an event that is very special to me. So, when he started asking questions, I started feeling kinda funny. Then I thought about it. What is the big deal? I can easily take off the following week. It’s not like I’ve purchased airline tickets or anything.

Deciding not to get all excited about stuff like that helps me to sleep better at night. A good attitude is definitely better than a bad one.

New things are on the horizon. The seasons are changing. I’m happy happy happy. Wanna know why? Check out my latest video over to the right.

Seeing God move in my life is an amazing thing. However, it is important to remember that even when you don’t see Him, He is still working.

Time for an Attitude Adjustment

I'm demanding myself to get an attitude adjustment. Pronto!

Every Monday, it never fails. I wake up and I dread that it's Monday because I have to drag myself to work. Usually by Wednesday the feeling of dread disappears and I'm on a high looking forward to my weekend. I love love love my weekends! On Saturday, I did some shopping and picked up some new running gear (t-shirts, shorts and a sports bra). I went to B&N and bought The Help because I want to read it before I see the movie. I spent most of the weekend reading it and I'm more than half way through. Yay! I also went to Sephora and picked up another tube of my favorite mascara, Dior Show, and some almond scented bath products. After church on Saturday night, I saw Crazy Stupid Love. That movie was hilarious. On Sunday, I woke up early and ran/walked 4.5 miles. My pace was all kinds of off but I didn't care, at least I got it done. Afterward, I showered with my new stuff, shampooed and deep conditioned. I cleaned the house and made a fabulous dinner of meatloaf, collard greens, rice and gravy and cornbread. I sipped on one glass of merlot and topped it off with a skinny cow ice cream sandwich. I watched True Blook and Entourage and carried my butt to bed.

I love my weekends.

Anyway, back to the attitude adjustment. I need to fix this ASAP. For real, if I didn't drag myself to this office every week I wouldn't be able to enjoy my weekends the way that I do. I need to get over myself. As I rode the elevator this morning, I made a mental list in my head of all the positive things about my job:

nice, safe building
free parking
good money
great benefits
nice people
flexible hours
ability to work from home when I want to
minimal travel
very little stress

What in the world to I have to complain about?

Nothing.

Keeping it Cool and Classy

It’s Friday and the temperature is going to reach triple digits all weekend. Stay hydrated. Stay inside. Rent some movies, get some junk food and close the blinds. Forget the junk food and get some fruit … yeah, fruit.

I only missed one gym day this week and that was Tuesday. Tuesday is the day that I work on my legs and glutes (i.e. booty). Tuesday was a horrendous work day and at the end of that day all I wanted was a glass of wine and my comfy sofa. Plus, the last time I worked legs I had a difficult time walking for two days. I really need to adjust the weights. I’ll do better next week.

Take a minute to encourage someone today. Choose to do the right thing instead of the wrong thing. When the opportunity arises for you to insert the perfect sarcastic remark – refrain. Add some beauty to the world.

Every morning since I returned from the life-changing spa experience I have made a point to spend real, quality time with God. It has seriously made a difference. I get up, turn on the “Soothing Moments” CD that I got from my aesthetician, open the blinds, sit on the floor, look toward heaven, breathe deeply and just … meditate, pray, cry, whatever … it is the perfect way for me to start my day because it reminds me that whatever is in front of me is going to be okay. It reminds me that I am connected to something bigger than myself. It reminds me that I am not the center of the friggin’ universe. It keeps me humble. It keeps me focused. Those moments are essential. My house is quiet and it is the perfect opportunity not only to talk to God but also to hear from Him. I mean, I talk to him all day long but in the morning I have the chance to really hear from Him.

Italy beckons.

I haven’t really been out since the whole car-getting-stolen debacle. So on Sunday I’m going to a Summer Wine Social at one of my favorite restaurants. New wines to try and good food to sample, oh what could be better? I’m genuinely impressed each time I eat here. The food is creatively prepared and presented and their wine cellar includes over 5,000 bottles. I’m excited.

I just RSVP’d for Tuesday’s book club even though I didn’t read the book. Why? Because it’s a night out. I get to hang out with the smart girls and munch on munchies and sip on … you guessed it … wine!

I haven’t thought about cutting my hair for three days straight.

Life is pretty darned good.

Enjoy the weekend.

Stay cool and keep it classy.


** I noticed I mentioned wine alot in this post. Mmmmmm ... wine

Attitude Adjustment -- I Need One

Rejoice evermore

Pray without ceasing

In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concering you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Expansion

I'm expanding. I'm growing. Not physically, actually I believe I've lost a few pounds. But in so many other ways...my world is expanding.

I have a lot of things to say.

Just not yet.

It's a process, my friends.

A process.

It Does Get Better

"I just want to feel better"

That's what I said to a friend of mine about three months ago. I remember it was cold and winter just wouldn't go away. I was feeling fat and miserable. I was angry and sad. I couldn't intelligently explain what was wrong with me all I knew was that I wanted to feel better.

Thankfully, I'm smart enough to know that wishing for something won't make it so. Life is not a fairy tale. It takes action. I knew I needed to do something. I tried a bunch of things ... a few things failed miserably but I'm happy to say that a few other things succeeded:

I acknowledged that I had a problem that I couldn't fix on my own. So I made a phone call and arranged to get some help. It really does help to talk things over with an objective outsider.

I got off my ever-growing azz and joined the gym. I have read studies that say regular exercise releases endorphins and improves your mood. In addition to improving the size of my waistline. I'm happy to report that I have lost an inch and a half from my waist.

I've actually cut down on the alcohol consumption. There is no wine in my house right now but that doesn't mean that there won't be at some point. But those are extra calories that I could do without. Besides too much alcohol can act as a depressant.

Prayer. I pray for strength and protection regularly. I pray that God will continue to protect me from my own negative thoughts. I pray that during those times when I feel weak, that He will be my strength.

Back in February I just wanted to feel better and right now I FEEL GREAT! It does get better. It may not feel like it when you are in the thick of things but continue to look up, continue to be grateful, continue to be positive.

It does get better.

Pushing

Good morning!

So, I'm on the treadmill yesterday and I'm working my program. Starting out on 3 ... moving up to 3.5 ... then to 4 ... I'm getting tired and I feel like my legs are going to give out. This isn't the first time I've done this since I told you all about it but for some reason, yesterday it was kicking my butt. I had my music on and I can't remember what I was listening to but I kept telling myself to push my way through it. Seven minutes on 4 is not that long ... you can do it ... push your way through. And I did. The whole workout is 40 minutes long so I had another round at 4 but I just kept telling myself to push my way through and I did.

I like that. Pushing my way through. I found myself repeating those same sentiments throughout the evening whenever negative thoughts would creep into my head. Just push your way through. I'm going through a little something right now and sometimes my mind wanders into dark places. Just push your way through. It's like being in a wind storm ... you can either go limp and allow the wind to toss you all over the place or you can stay strong and push your way through. Did you see the movie Unfaithful? Remember the scene in the beginning when she was caught in that wind storm? She didn't push her way through and you see what happened to her. Just push your way through!

Coincidentally, the 4 phase of the workout is called the "push" phase. I don't remember when or why I put the P.U.S.H. banner on the blog but it seems to be a reoccuring theme lately. I love that.

So for today, when you find yourself in a difficult situation just remember to push your way through.

Stuck?

Thought for the day: Just keep moving forward. Don't look back. You're headed in the right direction.

That is all.

Inspiration

I read something this morning. I suggest you read it as well. Inspiration can come from anywhere. Today's message is this: We (I) can do anything, absolutely anything we (I) choose to do as long as we (I) are willing to put in the work. No more whining. No more excuses.

"I'm telling you, it can be done. You just gotta' give something. Some of us have to figure out exactly what that is." -- The Brown Blogger

How's About Some Cheese With That Whine?

The kids had appointments with the optometrist today. We thought the Prince may have some issues but he is doing just fine. The Princess has to get glasses. Why did she choose a pair of Coach frames that cost $213? Um, no … put those back and find something that I won’t kill you for when you lose or break them. Then she asked me how much my frames cost. I told her it didn’t matter because I have a job.

When we left the doc’s office and I was bringing her back to school I went into this rant: “I really don’t want to go to work. I want to drop you off at school, then go to the gym, go have a nice lunch, come home and clean up a little and then make us some dinner. Why can’t that be my life?” She said, “Because you have to take care of us.” True. True. That made me think of the time when my mother told me I was an accident. I hope my kids don’t think that if I could change things they wouldn’t be here. Never that. When I was 18 my mother told me that even though I wasn’t planned if she had to do it all over again and she knew I’d be the result, she wouldn’t change a thing. Awwwwww. I feel the same way about my youngins. They’re good kids. For the most part.

I just wish I had made better choices when I was a young woman. My main problems are that (1) I’m easily distracted and (2) I want things right away. I knew when I was in fifth grade that I wanted to be a writer. Combine the fact that I’m easily distracted with the other fact that I didn’t have anyone encouraging me to go in that direction and here I am. I’m not blaming anyone but myself. I’ve had many opportunities to do the things that I’ve wanted to do and I got distracted. Distracted by men. Distracted by money. Just distracted. Ugh!

It’s not too late. I know that. I’m finally moving in the right direction and I accept the fact that nothing happens overnight.

I’m reading Revolutionary Road.




I saw the movie trailer and at first I wanted to see it in the theater but decided to read the book first. I was really interested in the story and movies can be so disappointing. I’m about half way through and I’m really enjoying it. The story of this couple who are living an unsatisfying life is something I can relate to. Well, not totally unsatisfying … just … just … I don’t know. Tonight is date night and I would love to be sitting in a restaurant eating tapas. Instead, I’ll be making spaghetti and meatballs, garlic bread and salad in my kitchen and putting in a DVD. And that’s okay because we always have spectacular date nights and there is nothing wrong with spending an evening at home with the one you love. The point is that we’re together. I just don’t like having to choose between new tires or dinner out.

I’m rambling.

The fact is everything is bugging me lately. I’m finding fault with just about everything which makes me sound like an ungrateful, spoiled child. I should probably stop watching the Travel Channel.

Edge

I've lost my edge. Someone unintentionally reminded me of who I used to be and I realize now that I have lost my edge.

Check out one of my posts from January 2006:

The title of my second book is Confessions of a Beautiful Woman. It will be available on-line soon and before you start rollin’ your eyes and gettin’ all janky let me explain:

Confessions is a compilation of thoughts, essays and poetry that I have written over the last five years. I picked the ones that I really liked and included them in this book. I got the idea from Maya Angelou when Wouldn’t Take Nothing For My Journey Now was released. I am not comparing myself to Dr. Angelou as a writer, but I think my book is just as valid.

These thoughts, essays and poetry expose feelings that I know millions of women share. I know I’m not the only one that has gotten divorced or has a spoiled daughter or loved someone who was emotionally unavailable … I know I ain’t the only one! At the same time, I truly believe that ALL women are beautiful … some of us exhibit some ugly ways (and we need to cut that shit out!) but we are all beautiful. Therefore, these are the confessions of all beautiful women.

I told someone the title and they rolled their eyes at me like I was trying to be conceited or something! Not so! I’m not conceited … I am beautiful but that is beside the point. Hell, we all know that for every beautiful woman that you see there is a man somewhere who is tired of her ass! My point is that the person who rolled their eyes is a beautiful woman who doesn’t believe she is. A woman who can’t embrace her own beauty has a difficult time when others embrace theirs. For some reason the perception is that in order for me to say that I look good, that means that I’m implying that you don’t. Is that crazy?

I’ve never been the kind of woman who has to wait for a compliment. Don’t get it twisted I’m grateful when I get them. But I don’t need anyone to validate me. Now, if I was as dumb as a box of rocks than I should probably just sit my pretty behind down in a corner somewhere and shut the hell up. Thankfully, I’ve still got a brain cell or two left that never fail me. I’m the first one to point out my flaws: my feet are big, I’d like to be a little heavier and after 15 months of breast feeding I could really use a lift, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am a beautiful woman on the inside and the outside.

Embrace your beauty ladies!

Where did that fiesty chick go? Not sure where she went but brace yourselves ... By the way, regarding the last paragraph and how I wish I was heavier ... yeah well, since 1/2006 I've probably added on a good 10 lbs and I no longer need a lift thanks to the good people at VS! And I'm still fine, so don't get it twisted.

Change

Someone who I respect recently told me that my defensive nature was not serving me. Being suspicious and thinking everyone has an ulterior motive is holding me back. Both in my professional life and my personal life I walk around with an invisible barrier around me. I don't step around the barrier and I don't let anyone in my personal space. The problem with that is if I don't let people know and eventually trust me ... then I may be shutting myself out of opportunities that may be afforded to someone who is a bit more open.

I'm not talking about ass kissing or brown nosing. I'm talking about being cordial. I'm talking about not being the only person in the conference room with her arms folded and her eyes glued to the floor. Like I'm above it all and everyone else is wasting my time. I'm talking about learning to play the game and still being able to go home with my dignity.

I am changing. I know that I am changing because when I was told that my defensive nature was not serving me I actually took note of this observation. Funny. Six months ago I wouldn't have crossed the street to spit on this person if he were on fire. Now I'm taking note of his observations.

I'm bringing it down a notch. Everyone that comes into my office does not deserve to be greeted with a deep sigh and an impatient glare. Some do but not all of them. I'm making more of an effort to be helpful when I can. I'm remembering to say "thank you" when someone helps me. Little things. I can't keep hoping that someone will look through the barrier and actually see me. A little insecure. A little unsure. And trying desperately to cover up that fact. A few people have seen it but not many. Most people see the barrier and act accordingly. I'm my own worst enemy and it's time that I became my own best friend.

Want Me To Start a Tab?

Don't get excited. There's nothing to worry about ... but I did do something this week that I have never done. I had a drink everyday this week.

Monday - glass of Pinot Noir

Tuesday - Date night!!! Grey Goose cosmo

Wednesday - another glass of Pinot

Thursday - two Absolut cosmos

and now today ... nothing yet and I think I may just chill

with another glass of Pinot.

No wonder I'm in such a good mood.

Seriously, I have allowed myself to forget the troubles of this life. They are just not important. Of course, I will continue to do what I need to do and I won't stop until I get to where I want to be.

There are 24 hours in a day and I can choose to be miserable through each one or I can choose to smile and add something positive to my surroundings instead of sucking the life out of them.

When I left work yesterday I headed straight for the bay. There is a little place that features live music (provided by my man), good drinks and a beautiful view of the Chesapeake Bay. I sat there for a little over an hour and that was all it took to put me in the best mood. Music + view + alcohol = BLISS. And when I got to work today I just refused to let anything or anyone get to me.

Okay, maybe the solution isn't being a drunk beach bum but I do believe I needed to change my perspective. I've always concentrated so much on the "have to" and I very rarely would allow myself to enjoy any of the "want to".

Have a great weekend.

????????????????????????

My friend Bloopty has asked me the $1,000,000 question:

What would make you happy?

You're gonna laugh.

Obviously, I don't have a clue. I've had to think real hard for the past couple of hours and I couldn't come up with one thing. So I tried to go back to a period in my life when I know I was happy.

**crickets**

Okay, it's not that bad but what I discovered was that several years ago I believed that I didn't want to be "happy" because happiness was dictated by my emotions. What I wanted was joy. Because joy is there regardless of how you're feeling. So I tried to go back to a period of time when I had joy.

Here's the funny part: it was probaby 6-7 years ago. My divorce was final, I had no man in my life, I was making about half the money I'm making now and I really loved my job. And I was filled with joy. What the heck does that say about me? Not sure. I remember the days prior to the "joy" days. I remember praying alot and I remember God telling me that it's okay for me to be weak because He was strong. I remember turning over every care to God. I knew in my heart that regardless of the balance in checking account, I would be okay. It didn't matter that I slept alone every night, I would be okay. Seriously, knowing that you'll be okay no matter what, has to leave you with the greatest amount of peace. Relying on God is what gave me joy.

Somewhere along the line my thinking became skewed. I spend so much time thinking about today. The jacked up thing my boss said to me today. It's raining today. Today's economy. The roof guy didn't come when he said he would. The landscaper didn't keep his appointment. I'm wasting time on shit that just doesn't fucking matter.

I forgot the words to my foundation scripture: For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)

We've been in this management retreat all week and I'm happy to say that I did take one positive thing from it so far: Behavior dictates attitude. In other words, I can pray for a better attitude until eternity but until I get off my behind and change my behavior nothing is going to happen. For example, if I wait until I feel like exercising, I'll never exercise. On the other hand, if I just start exercising than I'll start to feel better about it. Is this making any sense to anyone?

I have to get away from the sufferings of today. I have to act like I know that it's going to be okay regardless of the crap. Back to the joy days ... gotta get 'em back. My circumstances are so different now but the fact is my circumstances weren't what made me joyful. It was my attitude about my circumstances.

I'm starting to talk in circles so I'm going to stop here. But I'll leave you with this, Bloop, not one tangible thing is going to make me happy. I have everything I need so the answer is clearly somewhere else. Isn't that a line from the Wizard of Oz? What you're looking for was inside you all along, Dorothy.

Oh geez. I am so sleepy.