I did something today that I haven't done in quite some time. I sat and watched Christian television. I have to admit, had my DVR been working I would have watched today's episode of Oprah. But it wasn't, so I didn't. I watched Kirk Cameron, T.D. Jakes, Joyce Meyer, Ed Young. Watching this channel brought so many things back to my mind. I am a Christian. A Bible-believing Christian. I remember the days when I would call on God and He would answer me. I remember not knowing how I was going to make it and God showed me the way. I remember praying for safety, and being safe. I remember praying for emotional healing and being healed. I remember all that.
Somewhere along the line, when I reached a certain place ... a certain level ... I decided that I didn't need to call on God as much. I didn't talk to to God as often. What happens when you once have a close relationship with someone and then you stop speaking to them as often as you once did? Do you have friends that only call you when they need something? Conversations that used to take place daily now only occur weekly or even monthly. What happens to those relationships? They seem to lose their meaning ...
I have been going through some things lately. I can't put my finger on it. I can't blame my job, or my relationship, or my kids, or my family ... I just feel like something is looming close by. Something negative is surrounding me and I feel it closing in.
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8)
And I feel as though something is waiting to pounce. I haven't been alert or vigilant. I've been walking around feeling sorry for myself. Arrrrrrrgh!!!!!!! I know better than this.
I used to read my Bible everyday and it was always more than just words on a page. Tears would fall from my eyes as I would read about the love of God. That's a powerful thing especially when you don't particularly feel loved in your everyday life. To know that God loves me would erase all the garbage of the day. I wouldn't even notice the garbage (as much) because I was so joy filled.
Then something happened and I stopped reading as much. I allowed church people to discourage me. I convinced myself that I had so much Word in me that I didn't need anymore. I laugh now because that's probably one of the dumbest things that I've ever thought. There are many familiar scriptures to me but not nearly enough. Because if there were, I'd have a scripture to call on each time I needed encouragement or comfort. I'm embarrassed about the length of time it took me to find the above scripture. Thank God for bible.com.
What happend to me? I used to have blind faith. I used to have the faith the size of a mustard seed. I began to intellectualize my faith. I didn't question it because I've always had it but I allowed it to slip into the background. Intellectually, I know that no matter what I'm going through God is with me. But if I really felt it in my bones I wouldn't react to small things in the manner in which I do. I wouldn't declare to anyone that will listen how much I hate my job. I'm lucky to have to a job that allows me to raise my children alone. Truthfully.
People talk all the time about the value of counting your blessings and we automatically go for the tangible blessings. It's easy to do that. We can be so lazy, can't we? I'm challenging myself to dig deeper. Someone told me recently, that whatever I focus on will grow. For example, all I've been focusing on is hatred for my job. So it grows. When I used to focus on being broke ... I stayed broke. This is not the life that God has planned for me.
The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destory: I am come that they might have life, and they might have it more abundantly. (John 10:10)
God wants me to have an abundant life. A life filled with joy, contentment, peace. I need to accept this and stop analyzing every daggone thing.
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27)