The Family of Black Women

It started with Whitney.

My older brother called me and said, “Turn to MSNBC now. Whitney Houston is dead.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Even as I saw the images on my television screen, I couldn’t believe it. My mind wouldn’t accept it. How could a beautiful, successful woman that is my age with a daughter the same age as mine, who is laughing and singing one day be dead the next day?

Then I attended a panel discussion for Black History Month which featured four African American women who are at the top of their fields in Education, Defense and Business. They discussed how they got started and shared their insights on how to “get there and stay there”. I was so moved by their honesty and obvious integrity. Some of the themes were:

• Having a strong sense of self
• Being bold
• Not compromising
• Being courageous
• Know the rules of the game
• Picking the hill you wanna die on (i.e. choosing your battles)
• Having a goal and making sure that it is actually yours
• Work with someone who is smarter than you
• Not letting the biases of others dictate what you can accomplish
• None of us are victims. We each face unique obstacles because of our
race/gender but we can decide how to respond
• Mentorship is extremely important
• The importance of building relationships

The discussion was powerful and I walked away feeling both motivated and a little sad. The women on the panel were incredibly smart and successful yet their beginnings weren’t much different than my own and I was just so … ordinary. Where had I gone wrong?

Finally, I watched the Oprah interview with Viola Davis. First of all, I believe that interview was the best interview Oprah has ever conducted. Viola Davis is so honest and so talented and so centered. I love love love her. I hung on her every word. One part of the interview that resonated with me was when she talked about her 11 minutes on screen with Meryl Streep in the film “Doubt”. Viola said that she knew she deserved to be standing next to Meryl Streep, not because she was as good as Meryl, but because she had done the work. She had received her degree in Theater and she had been working for more than 20 years. And even though she was only on screen for 11 minutes she earned that Oscar nomination. Viola knew at an early age what she wanted to do and she followed that path to success. Despite her poor beginnings she knew how to dream big.

I think I was crying during the entire conversation. I began to think about Whitney and the four women on the panel and now Viola and I was so proud to be part of the family of Black women but at the same time I couldn’t help but feel that somehow I had fallen short. Why didn't I ever learn how to dream big? What was wrong with me? I’ve been praying constantly and seeking God and asking him to show me my purpose. But what do you do when God seems to be silent? I fell asleep that night with a heavy heart and plenty on my mind.

I woke up the next morning still feeling a little wonky and then the Holy Spirit spoke:

Through the mercies of God we are not consumed because his compassions fail not; they are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness (Lamentations 3:22-23)

I remembered that God is faithful. He has never left me. What He has for me is for me and He will reveal it to me in His timing.

I just wanted to share this with anyone who may also be restless and waiting for the next thing. Wait on God. Trust His timing. Remember that those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. So, while you are waiting you are getting stronger.

And what is wrong with that?

Speed Bumps

I had dinner and drinks with my sister on Friday night. It was a lovely dinner and we had a great conversation. We're both in our forties and we were discussing where we are in our lives and how much things have changed over the years. I used the very corny, cliche line, "I'm in a good place." I told her I hated saying things like that because it sounds ridiculous but that is how I felt. I like where I am.

Then Boom!

On Saturday I was hit with something that just left me feeling deflated. Remember, on LaVerne and Shirley when LaVerne would say to Shirley, "When is your balloon gonna land?" Well, mine landed.

Why does that happen?

Seriously, why is it that we can be travelling down a path where there is nothing but tree-lined streets, roses, champagne and sunshine and then all of a sudden you hit a friggin' brick wall?

It's like a reality check. I am not the kind of person who is afraid of good times. I do not go around knocking on wood or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I enjoy my happiness while I have it. But does this make me less prepared for when some shit happens to knock the wind out of me?

It may have felt like a brick wall but in reality I believe it was just a speed bump. Something to slow me down for a minute so I can pay attention to what is going on around me but once I get over the speed bump I can accelerate back to a normal speed.

Yeah, it's just a speed bump.

I believe that sometimes God will allow these "speed bumps" just to see if we will still trust Him during the rough patches. My world has not come crashing down around me and I know everything will be fine. Although there were times today when I really just wanted to die. To just not exist anymore. But I'll get through this and I'll be fine. I can't even say "one day at a time". It's more like one hour at a time. My heart aches. But I know that this too shall pass.

I Love a Parade!

It’s Friday again. Isn’t it cool how it just shows up every seven days like clockwork? I love Fridays. I so look forward to my weekends. My time is my own and I can do anything or nothing. This weekend I’m going to pick up my new book from my favorite independent bookseller. I’m dragging my behind back to the gym and then them I’m going to try out this yoga studio that is down the street from my house. From what I understand there are really positive benefits to hot yoga. They also have a “light and warm” class which may be more my speed. On Sunday, I’m having brunch at this place. Look for the review over at Delicious! I also have to squeeze in grocery shopping and a trip to the salon for my daughter so she can get her ‘do done.

Sounds like a lot but I’ll still manage to get some quiet time in there.

I went to Bible study last night and I’d like to share something that the pastor said. When we go to a parade we are standing in one spot and we see each section as it passes us by. Each section of the parade is new to us as it crosses in front of us and then it’s gone. However, if you were in a helicopter and were viewing the parade from the sky you would see the entire thing all at once: beginning, middle and end. That is exactly how God sees our lives. He sees our beginning (past), middle (present) and end (future) all at once. So while we may be dwelling on the mistakes of our past or fretting over a current dilemma God already knows the ending. He knows what He has planned for us. We just have to have faith and get on board and know that what he has planned for our future is way better than anything that we can imagine (Romans 8:18).

Remember that all things [really] do work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28)

Have a great weekend.

Following the Thoughts

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. Ephesians 3:20

It's going to rain today but after the absolutely beautiful weekend we had, I don't even care. I hope it was nice out where you were ... because here at the beach we hit the 70s on both Saturday and Sunday. Spring has definitely arrived and I couldn't be happier.

My best friend for the past thirty years was in town this weekend. It's probably been about eight years since we've seen each other but we just fell right into step like a day hadn't past. That's why I love him so much. We often joke that if either of us were needy, our friendship would have ended years ago. That's just how we roll. He was here because he had to give a lecture at one of the universities in the area and decided to stay an extra day to hang out with me and the kids. He spent Friday night with my son (his godson). They went to dinner and got all caught up. He was there to listen to my son's goals and aspirations and provide the appropriate guidance ... the stuff he doesn't want to hear from his mother. On Saturday I took him and my daughter to my favorite bookstore and we had lunch and strolled along the harbor. Later that evening, my sister joined us and we went to the Oceanfront and we all had dinner together. Then we dropped off the kiddies and went to get some drinks.

It was the perfect day. There is nothing better than being surrounded by people who truly, honestly just love you.

He left on Sunday and I spent the day enjoying the sunshine. I did a little shopping, came home and sat in the backyard and finished The Lucky One. I made ribs for the kids for dinner. I had a stuffed portobello mushroom and some baked macaroni and cheese. I thought all weekend that I was going to just give up on the vegetarian thing but I'm still hanging in there. The restaurant that we went to on Saturday had a rockfish special that I really really wanted. Instead I asked my sister to order it and I had a pizza primavera. She said the fish was delicious. So was my pizza. It's only nine more days.

I registered my domain name for the bookstore today! Aaaaaaagh! I am going to do this. I was listening to Joyce Meyer today and she said something that I have always believed: Wherever the mind goes the man will follow. In other words, it all starts with a thought. Everything significant that I have ever accomplished in my life started with one simple thought. Publishing my book. Buying my house. Even having my kids. I thought about it and thought about it ... add in the appropriate action and viola! I'm not suggesting that it's magical. I'm not suggesting that it's easy. I am suggesting that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And there is no arguing with that, my friends. See that verse that I opened with? God is able to do more than I could even think or ask for. MORE. That verse knocks me out. It humbles me.

It's going to be a good week.

It Does Get Better

"I just want to feel better"

That's what I said to a friend of mine about three months ago. I remember it was cold and winter just wouldn't go away. I was feeling fat and miserable. I was angry and sad. I couldn't intelligently explain what was wrong with me all I knew was that I wanted to feel better.

Thankfully, I'm smart enough to know that wishing for something won't make it so. Life is not a fairy tale. It takes action. I knew I needed to do something. I tried a bunch of things ... a few things failed miserably but I'm happy to say that a few other things succeeded:

I acknowledged that I had a problem that I couldn't fix on my own. So I made a phone call and arranged to get some help. It really does help to talk things over with an objective outsider.

I got off my ever-growing azz and joined the gym. I have read studies that say regular exercise releases endorphins and improves your mood. In addition to improving the size of my waistline. I'm happy to report that I have lost an inch and a half from my waist.

I've actually cut down on the alcohol consumption. There is no wine in my house right now but that doesn't mean that there won't be at some point. But those are extra calories that I could do without. Besides too much alcohol can act as a depressant.

Prayer. I pray for strength and protection regularly. I pray that God will continue to protect me from my own negative thoughts. I pray that during those times when I feel weak, that He will be my strength.

Back in February I just wanted to feel better and right now I FEEL GREAT! It does get better. It may not feel like it when you are in the thick of things but continue to look up, continue to be grateful, continue to be positive.

It does get better.

How Do You Eat an Elephant, Part 2

First bite?

What am I talking about? I'm 11 years into this elephant. Eleven years! I'm overwhelmed and I shouldn't be. I also realize I'm being very vague but at this point I don't have any other choice. This whole thing reminds me of the story of Peter walking on water. After Jesus walked on the water he commanded Peter to get out of the boat and walk on the water as well. As long as Peter kept his eyes on Jesus he accomplished what was thought to be the impossible. As soon as he began to pay attention to the storm and not Jesus he began to sink. (Matthew 14:29-33)

Sometimes I feel as though I'm about to sink.

It's About the Faith

I did something today that I haven't done in quite some time. I sat and watched Christian television. I have to admit, had my DVR been working I would have watched today's episode of Oprah. But it wasn't, so I didn't. I watched Kirk Cameron, T.D. Jakes, Joyce Meyer, Ed Young. Watching this channel brought so many things back to my mind. I am a Christian. A Bible-believing Christian. I remember the days when I would call on God and He would answer me. I remember not knowing how I was going to make it and God showed me the way. I remember praying for safety, and being safe. I remember praying for emotional healing and being healed. I remember all that.

Somewhere along the line, when I reached a certain place ... a certain level ... I decided that I didn't need to call on God as much. I didn't talk to to God as often. What happens when you once have a close relationship with someone and then you stop speaking to them as often as you once did? Do you have friends that only call you when they need something? Conversations that used to take place daily now only occur weekly or even monthly. What happens to those relationships? They seem to lose their meaning ...

I have been going through some things lately. I can't put my finger on it. I can't blame my job, or my relationship, or my kids, or my family ... I just feel like something is looming close by. Something negative is surrounding me and I feel it closing in.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8)

And I feel as though something is waiting to pounce. I haven't been alert or vigilant. I've been walking around feeling sorry for myself. Arrrrrrrgh!!!!!!! I know better than this.

I used to read my Bible everyday and it was always more than just words on a page. Tears would fall from my eyes as I would read about the love of God. That's a powerful thing especially when you don't particularly feel loved in your everyday life. To know that God loves me would erase all the garbage of the day. I wouldn't even notice the garbage (as much) because I was so joy filled.

Then something happened and I stopped reading as much. I allowed church people to discourage me. I convinced myself that I had so much Word in me that I didn't need anymore. I laugh now because that's probably one of the dumbest things that I've ever thought. There are many familiar scriptures to me but not nearly enough. Because if there were, I'd have a scripture to call on each time I needed encouragement or comfort. I'm embarrassed about the length of time it took me to find the above scripture. Thank God for bible.com.

What happend to me? I used to have blind faith. I used to have the faith the size of a mustard seed. I began to intellectualize my faith. I didn't question it because I've always had it but I allowed it to slip into the background. Intellectually, I know that no matter what I'm going through God is with me. But if I really felt it in my bones I wouldn't react to small things in the manner in which I do. I wouldn't declare to anyone that will listen how much I hate my job. I'm lucky to have to a job that allows me to raise my children alone. Truthfully.

People talk all the time about the value of counting your blessings and we automatically go for the tangible blessings. It's easy to do that. We can be so lazy, can't we? I'm challenging myself to dig deeper. Someone told me recently, that whatever I focus on will grow. For example, all I've been focusing on is hatred for my job. So it grows. When I used to focus on being broke ... I stayed broke. This is not the life that God has planned for me.

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destory: I am come that they might have life, and they might have it more abundantly. (John 10:10)

God wants me to have an abundant life. A life filled with joy, contentment, peace. I need to accept this and stop analyzing every daggone thing.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27)