The tree is down, the decorations have been put away, the food is gone and the 2008 holiday season is officially over. Thank goodness. This year was not stressful or hectic or negative in any way. I'm just not a fan of the holiday season. I can't explain it. I think my mind gets all twisted up when I think about how commercialized this season is. It is what it is, I mean I spent my fair share of dough in December. Who am I kidding? I spent a couple of people's fair share but it was worth it. On Christmas morning everyone got what they wanted and everyone was happy. My kids let me sleep until 6:00 a.m. which is a first for them ... we're usually up by 4:00 ... I know it's early and you would think that teenagers would be over it ... but not at my house.
While sitting in church yesterday I listened to the pastor talk about dreams and how we have to be careful who we share our dreams with. You know, because not everybody will support you and some people will do all they can to destroy that dream. Then I started thinking about my own dreams and I realized that I do not have any. Not one. Then I tried to think back to pinpoint a period of time when I did have dreams. I must have had dreams. Didn't I ever dream of doing ... or going ... or being
I seem to remember dreaming of being married. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt
I dreamed of being financially stable. Done
I dreamed of seeing my kids graduate high school. One down, one to go
After I wrote my novel I dreamed of having one person that I did not know tell me that it was good. Done
Looking back it seems to me that all I'm doing is setting attainable goals and not dreaming. I'm staying safe and avoiding disappointment by reaching for things that I know are within my reach. I'm content and kind of ... boring. I feel like I'm sleepwalking or on automatic pilot all of the time. I don't necessarily feel like I have to be doing something all of the time. For the most part, my life is very full: full time job, full time man, full time kids, part time freelance writer, part time singer, active in church ... but I still don't have that Big Dream.
I've always been able to "make do". Make do with the hoopty, make do with no cable, make do with last year's winter coat. I believe that since that mentality has been part of my life for the majority of my life it's difficult to believe that I can have more. But I actually can have more. I need to wrap my head around that concept and figure out what "more" is for me.