Monday, December 29, 2008

Zzzzzzzz

The tree is down, the decorations have been put away, the food is gone and the 2008 holiday season is officially over. Thank goodness. This year was not stressful or hectic or negative in any way. I'm just not a fan of the holiday season. I can't explain it. I think my mind gets all twisted up when I think about how commercialized this season is. It is what it is, I mean I spent my fair share of dough in December. Who am I kidding? I spent a couple of people's fair share but it was worth it. On Christmas morning everyone got what they wanted and everyone was happy. My kids let me sleep until 6:00 a.m. which is a first for them ... we're usually up by 4:00 ... I know it's early and you would think that teenagers would be over it ... but not at my house.

While sitting in church yesterday I listened to the pastor talk about dreams and how we have to be careful who we share our dreams with. You know, because not everybody will support you and some people will do all they can to destroy that dream. Then I started thinking about my own dreams and I realized that I do not have any. Not one. Then I tried to think back to pinpoint a period of time when I did have dreams. I must have had dreams. Didn't I ever dream of doing ... or going ... or being

I seem to remember dreaming of being married. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt
I dreamed of being financially stable. Done
I dreamed of seeing my kids graduate high school. One down, one to go
After I wrote my novel I dreamed of having one person that I did not know tell me that it was good. Done

Looking back it seems to me that all I'm doing is setting attainable goals and not dreaming. I'm staying safe and avoiding disappointment by reaching for things that I know are within my reach. I'm content and kind of ... boring. I feel like I'm sleepwalking or on automatic pilot all of the time. I don't necessarily feel like I have to be doing something all of the time. For the most part, my life is very full: full time job, full time man, full time kids, part time freelance writer, part time singer, active in church ... but I still don't have that Big Dream.

I've always been able to "make do". Make do with the hoopty, make do with no cable, make do with last year's winter coat. I believe that since that mentality has been part of my life for the majority of my life it's difficult to believe that I can have more. But I actually can have more. I need to wrap my head around that concept and figure out what "more" is for me.

6 comments:

LadyLee said...

Oh, this was a fine post. It made me shudder. It hit home with me on so many levels.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said we dream a bit safely, and our dreams are ones we deem attainable.

I know I don't like being on autopilot. Drives me NUTS. I dare to believe that that is because there is more within me that needs to get out and be achieved... I just need to believe that.

Believing it seems to be the hardest part, ain't it?

We gotta do better in 2009. Got to.

"Make do" is just not enough.

Glad you enjoyed a nice drama free Christmas:)

chele said...

I know you're right. I always have this nagging feeling that there is something more for me to do.

Serenity3-0 said...

what about your scholarship stuff? There isn't anything further you want to do with that? I was just telling Ladylee that I don't know what else I have that I want to do and she ran down a full list of things I have been wanting to do forever. Somehow it seems my drive and inspiration are on vacation or something.

Rose said...

Chele my problem is that I dream too much. I want everything and silly me I always try to get it. But I must calm down and focus. Otherwise my health will fail. But I enjoyed this post!

chele said...

@ Serenity: You know, I felt so good when I provided those scholarships but at the same time I was discouraged because not many kids seemed interested. I should focus on the three that I helped and not on the ones who could have cared less. Definitely something to reconsider. Thanks.

Believer 1964 said...

You have dreams, and from my view here, you're living them out every day. Nonetheless, a slight pang may be evidence of wanting to know more of your God-given purpose on a greater scale.

Matthew 7:6-11 talks about casting pearls before swine [your pastor's reference to sharing dreams] and speaks of our Father giving good gifts.