The Tough Choices

I don’t know if I missed a meeting or something but I came across more than one post in blogland that had to do with single mothers. I have no comment on those posts because … I just don’t. However, I have had a post in me for a very long time regarding this topic but I just haven’t been able to get my thoughts together to post it.

I am a single mother. A twice-divorced single mother. Does it matter that I was married when both my children were conceived? I don’t think so. The fact is, I’m raising two children alone. My son hasn’t seen my first husband since he was 18 months old and obviously has no recollection. My second husband took our divorce to mean that he could start his life over again … with no kids. Okay, maybe that’s kind of harsh but the terms of our divorce gave him liberal visitation with 24 hours notice and I can count the number of times he’s taken advantage of that in the past nine years on two hands.

Whatever.

I know the statistics and I’ve read the stories that say children who grow up in two-parent households do much better in school … and in life. That may be true. I’ve been told that I can’t teach my son to be a man because I’m not one. Okay. I know my daughter needs a strong male figure in her life but if her father chooses to create that bond with sporadic phone calls what am I supposed to do? I’ve been looked at with pity and I can recognize the disapproving looks from a mile away. I’ve had friends tell me that I should get married for the sake of my children. When I divorced #2 my so-called church family divorced me. In 1990 my first divorce lawyer told me that I should reconsider leaving my marriage because of the stigma that would be attached to my son because he would be raised by a single mother.

I remember when I was 19 I told my mother that I wanted to have children but I didn’t necessarily want to have a husband. She promptly ripped me a new asshole. So I got married and did it “the right way” but the end result was still the same. I’m not saying I consciously got married just so I could have kids but that is how it worked out.

It bugs the crap out of me when I hear people (who aren’t single mothers) discuss “the plight of the single mother”. Plight? Really? I don’t want to appear to be insensitive because I’m sure this is a difficult situation for many women. I don’t recommend it. I encourage my own children to do it the right way. Don’t follow the same path I did because it’s not for the faint of heart.

However …

I am not faint of heart. I’ve never verbally said “I don’t need a man” but I was not going to allow the fact that I didn’t have one stop me from raising my children. I have never had public assistance and I have never been without a job. When one job wasn’t enough to put food on the table, I worked two. I make a good living and I bought my house on my own because I wanted my kids to grow up in their own home. This path has it’s challenges but there is not one single thing about our lives that I would change. Would my kids change anything? I don’t know. Maybe.

I carried around a lot of guilt for breaking up our family. I did what I had to do at the time and I know in my heart that if I didn’t we (me and the children) would not be as (financially) stable as we are. No, money isn’t everything but it beats being broke any day of the week. I will not apologize for seeing the big picture and making the tough choices.

I did the right thing. My kids don’t give me one ounce of trouble. I’ve never been called to the police station, the courthouse or the hospital. My son never so much as had a detention during his four years in high school. Neither one of my children have behavioral problems. I refuse to believe that two dysfunctional parents are better than one functional one. I will not subscribe to the notion that parents should stay together just for the kids. There are more success stories in my house than there were in the two-parent household that I grew up in. If the parents aren’t happy than the kids won’t be happy. Period.

And I’m happy. My home is filled with love. My children feel safe when they go to sleep at night. They know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be there to love, support and comfort them no matter what. Mine is the face they see cheering them on during step shows, sporting events, concerts and graduations. My shoulder is the one that they cry on when they are sad. My arms are the ones they run into when they need comforting. So save your pity and your sorrowful looks. Save your judgment and your disapproval. I wouldn’t change what we have for anything in the world.