Monday, February 16, 2009
Ladybugs
I had a conversation with someone last night and she was telling me how she is able to focus on the positive aspects of her life when things were going particularly bad. She is able to identify lessons during adversity. Now, this is something I have preached for years and I generally don’t have a difficult time putting it into practice. However, for some reason this wave of sadness or depression or whatever it is has crept up on me and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find lessons or be happy for the good things. I can’t shake it. It’s been with me for a while and it seemed to hit an all time high on Saturday. After lunch I went to Macy’s in search of a dress. After trying on several with no luck I ended up leaving the store with two pairs of pajamas. It’s really time to make some changes when the only thing you buy are pajamas because that is the only thing that looks good on you. And I don’t mean cute, lacy lingerie-type pajamas … no, I mean long sleeves and long pant-type pajamas. I came home and put on those pajamas and stayed in them for the rest of the day. This is weird for me. I have never ever EVER in my lifetime had a weight problem. And now I do. I don’t know how to deal. It’s not just about the extra pounds though. It’s something else. I feel myself withdrawing from everyone and everything. I just don’t want to be bothered. The littlest things are causing me to snap. I don’t want anyone to ask me what’s wrong or try to help I just want silence. Or a magic pill so I can snap out of it. This weekend I watched all the cool “love” movies that I have at the house: Love Jones, Bridges of Madison County, Sex and The City and Under the Tuscan Sun. All these movies ended with a kiss, or a smile or with someone’s ashes being thrown off of Roseman Bridge and even that was a happy ending. Do we really get our happy endings? Should we expect them? My calendar of quotes told me to ask myself a question: “Will this matter a year from now?” Will the extra two inches around my waist matter a year from now? Well, if I don’t do something about it, it will matter. So, I’m considering joining a gym. Not just for the two inches but because my lifestyle is way too sedentary and that can’t be healthy for someone my age. The last time I joined a gym was after my daughter was born fourteen years ago. Speaking of my daughter, will her stanky teenagery behavior matter a year from now? Probably not. She’ll be onto something else to get on my nerves by then. Will any of it matter? In the big picture does any of it matter? There are people with real problems and I can’t look at my life and label anything I’m going through as a real problem. But sometimes it sure does feel that way.
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6 comments:
Been here...do this.
Hold on to the faith. I have found that eventually everything does change, it's just a matter of how.
Keep in mind however, that when you find yourself sitting at your kitchen table, cleaning the bore of a .45, oiling it down and making sure the slide works, putting a clip in the receiver, chambering a round and wondering anatomically what's the best way to blow your head off...well, I'd say it's time for a re-evaluation.
Not...that...I've ever done anything like that before.
Depression is an awful thing Michele. On any level it can bring you down so far. You're just gonna have to fight, and fighting’s not always easy. In fact, I have found the worst person to fight with, is always yourself.
Whoa... Terry preached a short sermon there. I may have to print that out, Terry.
I find with myself at times, the problem is not the enemy, but "inner-me" is the true enemy.
I always tell myself: I'm breathing, the blood is still running warm through my veins, and I woke up this morning in my right mind. I woke up on the right side of the dirt this morning.
Therefore, life is good, NO MATTER HOW I FEEL. Feelings change with the wind. TRUTH doesn't.
Our emotions are like the ocean tides, constantly ebbing and flowing. Lord knows mine do. It's just a matter of holding tight and not drowning in the process.
And here's something else to think about. Are you going through "the change"? Hmm... I'm not sure when that starts to raise it's ugly head, but you sound like some of my friends when they first started going through the change. Just a thought.
You have a purpose, Chele, that you and only you are able to fulfill in this life... Nobody born before or after you can fulfill it. Everyday, you are moving closer to it. God expresses a dimension of His personality through you, each and every day.
Believe that, Oldgirl. Really though.
Keep your head up.
*hugs* I agree with both Terry and Lady Lee and I can empathize with what you're going through. I know firsthand what it's like to deal with weight issues and it sucks really bad, but as long as you're still healthy, is what counts.
I strive to remain positive in spite of any odds stacked against me. It's not always easy when you see so much madness around you, but you hold one that much tighter and grow that much stronger in your faith.
I agree with Lady Lee regarding The Change. It can really do damage to your body and psyche. As a result of my breast cancer, I have to take Tamoxifen, which for me kicked in menopause and the results have wreaked havoc on my body and moods. So, here I am still menstruating AND going through menopausal symptoms, to the point where I can hardly stand myself. I finally had enough and spoke to my PCP about it and yielded in my now being on a very low dose of Zoloft. It's helping and I'm honestly glad I opened up about it instead of continuing to fight with myself.
Now, I'm not suggesting you need medicine, but a least speaking to your PCP or GYN might help you get some clarity.
The fact that you posted about what you're going through, is good and shows that you're trying to deal with the situation.
Stay strong lady.
love to live; live to love!
@ all: So much wisdom in blogland. Thanks so much.
Chele" You speak truth. I have some up's but damn if I don't have all the down's to match.
I keep you in mine...please keep me in yours.
can i meet her im in love already!
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