In 45 days I'll celebrate my 45th birthday and I'm afraid. Not of getting older or looking older or anything that has to do with being old, cause let's face it ... self-esteem is not an issue of mine.
I wasted a lot of time during my first 45. I've wasted it hating and being angry and bitter and not taking full advantage of the life that I have been blessed with. Sometimes I wake up mad for no reason at all. Sometimes when I'm getting ready for work in the morning I talk to myself and replay painful scenes of the past. Who does that? I am fearful that my next 45 will be much of the same and I cannot allow that happen. I will not wake up on my 45th birthday angry. I will not be this toxic, poisonous person that I have been. It's self-destructive and pointless. So, the next 45 days are crucial. My goal is to be better. I will drop the mask that I so often wear and I will be genuine and authentic. The next 45 days are going to be hard and a lot of it will be documented here. I'm the most guarded person I know so it may be especially difficult. I want God to show me something in the next 45 days. I want to discover something about myself but at the same time I know that those explorations can uncover some very painful truths. Each day will begin with scripture and prayer because when I'm lost I turn to God to be found. When I divorced I discovered that the struggle that I endured couldn't be compared to the blessings that were on the way. God never disappoints me.
I wrote this post before I heard of our dear Nikki's passing and now that I re-read it, it just seems much more important that I do something to make my next 45 mean something. Thanks for reading.