Forty Seven

Last night I was relaxing in the bath, allowing the smell of lavender to envelope me and then it dawned on me: half of my life is over. Don't worry, this is not a sad, morbid post about my mortality blah blah blah. It's like when I treat myself to the occasional Snicker bar. I'm so excited about the chocolate and peanuts and I rush through the first half. Then I look down and I realize that half that candy bar is gone. The first half was so good but I know I really have to savor the second half because once it's gone ... it's gone.

That's how I'm feeling this morning. I really have to savor the second half.

I've done quite in bit during the first half:

I got married. In fact, I was so ambitious that I did it twice!
I had my kids
I bought a home
I made some money
I did some traveling
I made a lot of mistakes

It seems to me that my first half was populated with striving. I was always of the mind that I had to get something. I had to achieve. There's nothing wrong with that. Without goals where are we?

But the second half is going to be different. I don't feel the urgency to get get get. I feel the need to exhale. I feel the need to just breathe. Have you ever felt that way? The first 47 years have been a whirlwind. I've enjoyed most of it but not as much as I could have. I've allowed stress to overtake me more times than I should have. I'm done with that.

There are still things that I want to achieve in the second half. I want to visit Italy. I want to get married again and I want a house on the beach.

Small things. :)

But more importantly I want my spirit to be calm. I want to always be thankful in every circumstance and every situation. I want to view every single day as a gift from God.

Because it is.


But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)

Help Me Celebrate

It's going to be a spectacular day! Hope you are enjoying it as much as I am.

Another Birthday

Well, in six days it will be my birthday.

This year is a little different from recent past years. I mean, I’m still taking my week off but things are going to be a bit more low key. I have a few appointments: doctor, dentist, college tour and a fancy banquet but this year just feels different.

I think it’s because I’m single and I don’t feel like I have anything to prove. Last year I was single too but I was on a mission (I think) to prove that I was okay with it. This year, I really am okay with it so there’s no need for any hoopla. Does that make any sense? Last year was my first birthday alone in more than six years. It was kinda sad, but of course I couldn’t tell ya’ll that. This year is different because I’m not sad. I’m actually pretty happy.

Forty-seven looks good on me.

I’m able to do just about anything I want. I say “no” when I want and don’t feel bad about it. My life is filled with things that I love and I have successfully removed the things that I don’t love.

Why do we think that we have to have it all figured out when we are in our twenties? That is so silly. I am just now figuring out that life really and truly is a journey but the destination will be meaningless if you don’t enjoy how you got there. It’s like anything else in life. You just have to keep going, one foot in front of the other and do it with a smile. I told you I ran 5 miles on Sunday, right? Well, while I was doing it all I could manage to concentrate on was putting one foot in front of the other. I just had to keep going and eventually I reached the destination. (Side Note: Not only did I reach the destination but I accomplished something that I had never done and it has gotten me excited about racing again. Yeah, so that's a good thing.)

Well, I don’t have my destination figured out but I am determined to spend most of my time getting there with a big smile on my face.

Connecting the Dots

I just viewed Steve Jobs’ 2005 commencement speech and the one thing that stood out for me was when he said that connecting the dots can only happen by looking back. We don’t fully understand why the things in our lives happen the way they do until we look back on them and that’s when we have the big A-ha moment.

I definitely believe that everything happens for a reason. I accept the fact that I won’t always understand the reason and in some cases I may never even know what the reason is. But there’s a purpose for everything.

In ten days I’ll be celebrating my 47th birthday and as I often do I take a look back and try to add perspective to past events. It’s an exercise in speculation at best because I really don’t have any answers.

I don’t know why I had to be married and divorced twice by age 36. I do know that if I hadn’t had those marriages I wouldn’t have the awesome children that I have.

I don’t know how in the world I ended up in the profession that I currently have. I do know that without it I wouldn’t be able to provide for my family in the manner that I do.

I don’t know why I decided to write a book and then had no real desire to ever write another one. What is that about?

I don’t know why I blog, make videos, sell books online or do restaurant reviews (other than the fact that I love all these activities) but I have a feeling that in the future I’ll be able to connect all those dots. I have faith that everything will fall into place exactly the way that it should be.

Happy Birthday to the Princess

Still Celebrating

It's Monday morning and I'm still celebrating. I'm actually not going back to work until Thursday. I should have taken the whole week off but I felt weird about it. Anyway, I'm going to make the most of the next three days.

The weekend was wonderful. We weren't sure if the weather was going to cooperate because it drizzled the entire way up there. But once we got there it was dry. Cold, but dry. We relaxed, we drank some great wine and ate some great good. Prospect Hill is such a pretty place. And it took me a while to reconcile my feelings about staying on a plantation where seventy-five slaves are buried ... but I feel like they are at peace. We actually stayed in former slaves quarters:

and off to the left is the cemetery. It's a humbling feeling to be there. Truly humbling.

While we were there we tasted wine at four different wineries. I had to remind Bryan that we needed to "taste" and not "drink". I learned my lesson a long time ago as far as that is concerned. If you're not careful you'll be drunk before noon and won't know what you're tasting. We ended up buying three bottles of meritage, three bottles of merlot, one bottle of cab franc and one bottle of viognier. We may give a few away as gifts, but I think I'll probably just drink most of them.

I got up early today and hit the gym which was definitely needed after the weekend of eating and drinking. I'm about to head out to the optometrist and then I'm going shopping. Yay! Tomorrow I have to see the doctor for my annual exam and then I'm going to see the folks at SCORE . It ought to be a productive day.

Hope you have a wonderful Monday!

45 Never Looked So Good!

Happy Birthday to ME!

The Countdown Begins

In 45 days I'll celebrate my 45th birthday and I'm afraid. Not of getting older or looking older or anything that has to do with being old, cause let's face it ... self-esteem is not an issue of mine.


I wasted a lot of time during my first 45. I've wasted it hating and being angry and bitter and not taking full advantage of the life that I have been blessed with. Sometimes I wake up mad for no reason at all. Sometimes when I'm getting ready for work in the morning I talk to myself and replay painful scenes of the past. Who does that? I am fearful that my next 45 will be much of the same and I cannot allow that happen. I will not wake up on my 45th birthday angry. I will not be this toxic, poisonous person that I have been. It's self-destructive and pointless. So, the next 45 days are crucial. My goal is to be better. I will drop the mask that I so often wear and I will be genuine and authentic. The next 45 days are going to be hard and a lot of it will be documented here. I'm the most guarded person I know so it may be especially difficult. I want God to show me something in the next 45 days. I want to discover something about myself but at the same time I know that those explorations can uncover some very painful truths. Each day will begin with scripture and prayer because when I'm lost I turn to God to be found. When I divorced I discovered that the struggle that I endured couldn't be compared to the blessings that were on the way. God never disappoints me.



I wrote this post before I heard of our dear Nikki's passing and now that I re-read it, it just seems much more important that I do something to make my next 45 mean something. Thanks for reading.

it IS easier

"What are you gonna do today?" asks my son.

"I'm going to make a pot of chicken noodle soup and then B and I are going to catch a matinee."

He chuckles to himself. "You have such an exciting life."

"Maybe not but it's MY birthday and I can do whatever I want."

"I know but I'll bet when you were 18 excitement didn't mean chicken noodle soup."

"You're right. But I'm at the point where what makes me happiest is being in my home. Comfort and security are the things that turn me on."

"You've lived two of my lifetimes."

"I know. The first 18 years were easy. The second 18 were hard as hell ... but now ... it's starting to get easier."

It really is getting easier. I love where I am right now. I'm healthy and happy and what else could I possibly ask for? I am so blessed.

I read "I Fall to Pieces" yesterday, which is the personalized not-so-short short story penned by the incomparable LadyLee and even though it was a complete work of fiction the one thing that was real was the fact that I have a man who loves me. Really loves me. He spends quite a bit of time tap dancing on my last nerve but I wouldn't trade him in for anything in this world. Thanks for the story, OldGirl. I absolutely loved it and it's definitely one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received. It made me think.

My son bought me the JHud CD and I'm really feeling it except I think the duet with Fan.tasia is wack.

I'm off to enjoy my day. Love you guys!

Jealous?

You should be. Not only did I get a personalized card created by the Original Oldgirl LadyLee




But I was also blessed with not one but TWO tins of cookies!

Oatmeal raisin


and chocolate chip!

If you don't know, Ladylee is a geeky science chick, but in addition to that she is an extraordinary writer. She sent me a not-so-short short story which I have not started yet because I couldn't wait to make you all JEALOUS with all my awesome gifts.

I did however read the personal note that was attached and it made me smile.

See, the Original Oldgirl has been reading me for a very long time ... longer than most ... long before I ever censored myself. So, she's read some sh*t. And even though we have never been in each other's presence I think she knows me pretty well. Better than some folks who have been up in my face for more than twenty years.

Anyway, Oldgirl, I appreciate your thoughtfulness and even though I got a root canal today and I can only chew on one side of my face, I have been munching on my treats. I already told my daughter that I'm going to have to hide the cookies if she doesn't learn to eat in moderation. She says "thank you" by the way.

And for the rest of you ... be nice to each other. Take the time to be kind. You never know how your kindness will affect somebody else.

I'm going to take a couple of motrin and read "I Fall to Pieces".