What's It Gonna Look Like?

I have never been more consumed with what my future is going to look like than I am right now and I’m not sure why that is. Not when I was about to be a wife, not when I was pregnant, not even when I decided to get divorced. My attitude has always been, “whatever happens, happens”. I never gave it much thought. That apathy or indifference about my own future was probably the reason why I’m so anxious now. I mean, I didn’t make any plans regarding my marriage(s) or motherhood, I just thought everything would work out. And for the most part it has but I’ve done nothing extraordinary in my life and that fact has left me feeling kind of restless. Now, in my late forties, with my nest almost empty, I am very anxious to see what my life will look like. I am capable of designing how I want it to look, I know that but the problem is: I’m not sure of how I want it to look. Ugh!!!!!! I know that working this 9-5 is not what I want. Being a slave to someone else’s schedule is not satisfying at all and I’m sick of it. I also know that I want to travel. I want to do some major renovations to my home. I want to remarry. I believe that all these things can be mine. My problem is the waiting. I keep my eyes open for opportunities but they aren’t showing up as quickly as I would like.