Day 304

 Ten months of alcohol freedom. 

Why do I call it alcohol freedom instead of sobriety?  It’s all about my perception and my relationship with alcohol.  I associate the idea of being sober or sobriety with those who identify as alcoholics, and I do not identify myself in that way.  Maybe I’m wrong or in denial.  I identify as someone who misused alcohol and I discovered that I am not someone who can drink in moderation -- and even if I could, why would I?  I realize that (for me) alcohol was not doing me any favors.  Even in moderation I would experience hangovers, bloating, puffiness under my eyes and an unexplainable lethargy.  So, why bother?  Therefore, it was best to quit altogether.  Alcoholism is a chronic disease characterized by uncontrolled dependence on alcohol.  I would not say that I had an uncontrolled dependence on alcohol.  It was more of a mindless habit that if I continued with would most assuredly have turned into dependence.  I believe I was probably on the road to alcoholism but got off a few stops before reaching that destination. 

My life changed ten months ago.  I stopped asking myself the question:  am I drinking too much? And got real honest and said “yes” and decided to stop.  I don’t miss it.  I don’t crave it.  I don’t need it.  My daughter came to visit a few weeks ago and asked if it would be a problem if she brought wine into the house.  I told her it would not be a problem and that she could do whatever she wanted.  In other words, her enjoying a glass of wine was not a trigger and she was not crossing any boundaries. 

This is an interesting journey for me.  Part of me would really like to be part of a “sober community”, but my story does not seem to fit.  I never had a “rock bottom” moment.  No DUIs or embarrassment surrounding alcohol.  I simply decided that it was not good for my wellbeing and I quit.  I feel like since my story isn’t tragic enough, I would not fit into one of those communities.  It’s probably for the best … hanging out with large groups of strangers isn’t really my thing.

Anyway, I’m coming up on my one year anniversary and I will more than likely stop counting days after 365 and start counting years.

Day 304

Currently reading:  Whereabouts, by Jhumpa Lahiri