Ever Ask Yourself ...

... how the hell did I get back here?

What was the answer?

Fast Forward

If you had a universal remote which controlled the universe ...

What would you do?

Breathe ... Just Breathe

I understand being supportive.

I understand being a good listener.

I understand being sympathetic.

I even understand being empathetic.

But you need to understand that when you vent and dump all your crap on me, you may walk away feeling better but I end up feeling like crap. It's a transference of negative energy.

I'm going back to yoga.

Let's Be Real

I can admit that I am overly emotional at times. I can also admit that I sometimes take things personally when I shouldn't. I know my faults and I do the best I can to correct the areas in which I am deficient.

At the same time, I know my strengths. I know that I am probably one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. My honesty can't be denied. I never make promises that I don't intend to keep. I mean everything I say which is why I measure my words carefully. If I tell you to kiss my ass ... trust and believe that I meant that shit. I will never come back and say, "I didn't mean to say that."

Unfortunately for me, I tend to expect the same loyalty, honesty and integrity from others. And when they cannot or will not deliver I get emotional and take it personally.

I don't ask for nor do I expect special treatment from anybody. Not because I'm Black. Not because I'm a woman. Not because I'm a single mother. Screw all that. None of it matters. I have been working hard for close to thirty years and I continue to be a person who works hard and I will bust my ass to get the job done and when it is clear to me that my efforts are not valued ... then yeah, my panties will get all in a bunch. Don't fall on the floor and praise me but don't knock me down, ignore my effort and stab me in the back either.

Answer me this: why am I accused of being defensive when I attempt to answer a direct question with a direct answer? Maybe it was the way in which I gave the answer. Sorry, I can't sugar coat anything. I am always professional but at the same time you will never be confused by my answer. And if by chance you interpret my directness as defensiveness than that is on you. I won't deliver the answer in the same manner as Becky will. If you wanted Becky's answer than go ask Becky the question. Oh that's right ... you can't ... cause she don't know the answer.

Today was not a good day. Thankfully, I'm about to start a long four-day weekend. I was supposed to be on another alcohol fast but after work I enjoyed two martinis. I mean, I really enjoyed them. The weekend is going to be a busy one. Right now I'm preparing for the carpet cleaners who will be here tomorrow morning. My princess has an appointment at the salon so she can get all cute for the first day of school. Then I'm taking her school shopping and we get to argue about how much cleavage is appropriate for a ninth grader ... oh joy!

I feel better now. I know my worth. And the actions of others cannot change that. They will continue to do what they do (and I know it's not just to me) and I will continue to move forward.

The Flip Side

As much as I enjoy a good belly laugh, I equally value the benefits of having a good cry. It's funny because I don't cry often so when I do it's almost as if all the tears I should have ever shed in my life are flowing.

Saturday was a lazy day for me. I had earned it after the week I had. So I found myself relaxing on the chaise on my patio reading The Last Lecture. I bought the book before Dr. Pausch died but since I usually have no less than three books on my nightstand at a time, I hadn't had a chance to finish it. Since his passing I was determined to finish it. And I did on Saturday. I didn't shed one tear until I reached the final page ... and then the floodgates opened up in such a way that really startled me. It probably startled my neighbors too ... if they were outside listening from the other side of their fences they might have thought someone was beating me. Seriously, this was no cute, silent, let-the-tears-roll-down-your-face kind of crying. These were gut-wrenching sobs that lasted for a while. But once I was was finished ... I felt really good.

Weird.

The book was fantastic. It was not about dealing with pancreatic cancer. It wasn't about death. It was about life. How to live your life and the benefit of following one's dreams. It was beautiful. Everyone asks me if I've seen the video ... I haven't. I'm sure I would enjoy it, but I'm a reader and prefer to get my information from the written word.

I also watched the Alicia Keys + Ruby Dee episode of Iconoclasts on Sundance and for some reason seeing the two of them together had me in tears. They were sharing poetry and music and there was just something moving about the whole thing. These women are generations apart but something about the way they interacted felt like they were from the same era. Check it out if you can.

I Need a Happy Pill

Maybe I'll have some M&Ms instead.