Restless Part 2

Yesterday I talked to you about my restlessness.

Last night God shed some light on the subject for me.

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him (Psalms 62:5)

I live my life expecting great and marvelous things to happen. Which in and of itself is very interesting for me. Maybe five or six years ago, I read a quote which said: "High expectations breed despair." And I grabbed on to that thing and held on to it like my life depended on it. I was at a point in my life where I felt like I had been disappointed by everyone. Life was just one big disappointment so my answer was to not expect anything from anyone ever and I will never be disappointed. Well, surprise, Michele! Disappointment was still able to find me. Why? Because part of me always expected to be disappointed.

I have learned so much in the last year and one of those things is to have high expectations. If not from people than certainly from God. I’ve learned that if you expect nothing you get NOTHING. And I’ll tell you what, I want EVERYTHING so that is what I’m expecting. Not 30%, EVERYTHING!

What does this have to do with my restlessness? I’m getting to that.

This week marked a very important milestone in my life. And somewhere in the back of my head I figured that since I reached that milestone that the trumpets would sound and magically, overnight something spectacular would show up in my life. To my surprise, my routine hadn’t changed. Everything appeared to be exactly the same. Somewhere along the line I forgot to remember that God doesn’t work on my timetable. In fact, I think He laughs at my timetable and gently reminds me

For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay (Habakkuk 2:3)

Hence my restlessness. The milestone had been reached without any fanfare and no one even knows about it but me and God. And while everything on the outside appears to be exactly the same, I know that there is a big change in me. A huge change. I am not the same person I was and that is a good thing.

I’m restless because I briefly forgot that I’m not in control of this thing. I’m restless because I expected definitive, concrete answers on a certain date and when that date came and went … well … I was left wanting. I’m allowing God to lead me and even though that can cause minor frustration now, I know for a fact that the end result will be victory.

So, the restlessness will pass and I will continue to wait. I know that as I am waiting, I am getting stronger (Isaiah 40:31).

And what is wrong with that?

Restless

My alarm goes off every morning at 5:15

I hit the snooze button until about 5:40

I get out of bed and do 25 pushups

And 50 bicycle crunches

I take a shower

Wake up my daughter

Turn on Joyce Meyer

Make the bed

Lay out my clothes

Put on my makeup

Get dressed

Do my hair

Turn to the news to check the weather

Go downstairs and make my lunch

Make my breakfast

Jump on the internet

Finish my breakfast

Go back upstairs and brush my teeth

Turn off the television and head back downstairs to wait for the Princess

We leave the house by 7:00 am

I arrive at my office by 7:30 depending on the traffic.

And for the next nine hours I sit at a desk in a room with fluorescent lighting and answer questions, read terms and conditions, process modifications, sit in on conference calls and a bunch of other stuff that I cannot even remember I did by the end of the day. This is my weekday. No deviations whatsoever. Can you see why I get so excited about the weekend and an opportunity to mix it up a bit? Don’t get me wrong, I am terribly grateful to have a job which allows me to do whatever I want whenever I want. I am blessed. But I am also bored.

I can’t ask myself what happened because I know what happened. The “golden handcuffs” is what happened. I took a job 14 years ago and realized I was pretty good at it, or at least had the potential to be good at it and these people kept throwing money at me. I enjoy my lifestyle and in order to maintain it I need to do what I have to do. I don’t hate my job but I’m not in love with it either.

I think about downsizing once the kids are gone. But who knows when that will be? I’m hoping in less than five years.

I’m getting restless and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose that as long as my restlessness doesn’t lead to a foolish, impulsive decision I’m okay. Like, say uh, quitting my job, cashing in my retirement and opening a bookstore. Don’t think I haven’t thought about it.

Patience, Michele. That’s what I keep telling myself. Patience. Timing is everything.

I need a project.

Is it Friday yet?