Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Me? Wrong? Part II

Are you willing to be wrong?

I think that most people that have reached adulthood and have been through a thing or two are more than willing to admit when they are wrong. Willing to admit when they have made a mistake and take responsibility for that mistake.

For most of us that's pretty easy.

"Your issue is that you have to examine your willingness to be wrong."

I sat across the desk from my COO as he told me this yesterday. I try awfully hard to keep my emotions in check. I try not to let eveyone know what I'm feeling and usually folks don't know for sure what I'm about or where I'm coming from and I like that. There is the rare occasion when some ridiculously perceptive person will see through the facade and read me like a harlequin romance. My boyfriend and my COO are two examples.

My boyfriend once told me that I was as intimidating as a Hello Kitty purse.

And my COO hit it on the head when he recognized that I am unwilling to be wrong. Not after the fact but before. What I mean is that, once I make a decision I stand by it and whatever happens happens. If I'm wrong -- so be it. But I find myself in situations when I refuse to do this or that because I don't want to be wrong. One example is in my professional life. I know my business and I'm good at it but I'm hesitant to try something new because I don't want to misstep or misspeak in a professional setting. I don't often volunteer information in meetings because I don't want to be wrong. I know how stupid that is because more times than not if I had spoken up I would have been right and then I kick myself for the rest of the day. As a Black woman in Corporate America I have to work so damned hard to be viewed as an equal and there are people in my office right now who lay in wait for me to screw up. F*ck those haters. If I wasn't good they wouldn't be on me like that. But I still watch my step. Another example can be found in my personal life. I have a guy that loves me more than anything but I won't marry him because I am not willing to be wrong for the third time.

Sitting there in the COOs office this reality hit me like a brick ... and I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. Then I felt like a total loser for crying in the office. Whatever. I don't even know what the hell I was crying for. Was I crying over the realization that I'm really screwed up in the head? Was I upset because something very personal was unintentionally revealed?

I've got to get over this. I had an incredible interview yesterday morning followed up by another phone interview this afternoon. In total, I spoke with five people and the general consensus is that I'll be offered a position by the end of the week. Of course, I have not shared this with anyone because ... what if I'm wrong?


Blah Blah Blah said...

Last sentence made me smile.

I am always betting ppl that I am right abotu this or that thing....
It would be nice if they just were like...ok Bloopty, your right...
But inevitably...I am proven wrong more than half time.

I think my problem is that I have an unwillingness to not always have the last word. Thats what ususally gets me caught up and end up being...wrong.

*stop crying in the office and especially if you don't know why...and hurry up and marry that man....wasn't it last month that you cried and said you'd get married tomorrow...when is the tomorrow?*

chele said...

shut up bloopty.

Bballmom said...

I hate being wrong. Hate it and will avoid it at all costs.

Even when it can be to my own detriment.

I should clarify that this is a MUCH bigger issue for me at home than at work. What is wrong with that picture???

LadyLee said...

I don't mind being wrong. Shoot, just let me know. And more importantly, don't beat me over the head with it. Over and over again. I think that's my biggest issha with being wrong.

This has to be a major turning poing for you, ya think??

Believer 1964 said...

Whatever the reason those words made it past your walls and entered into the secret place of your heart. Stew on it, and God will reveal it in whole or part over time. Be thankful for the experience and embrace the unveiling of whatever it is.