I Can See Clearly Now ...

Life is funny. Not funny ha-ha, but just funny.

They say that change is good. They say that change means growth and I’m all for growing but I also have to accept that there is a certain amount of pain associated with growth and change.

I see everyday things much differently through my forty-five year old eyes. Things seem much clearer. I used to believe that if I couldn’t figure out how to do something on my own than that meant that I wasn’t supposed to do it. I now realize that it’s important to learn how to increase the size of my team. No (wo)man is an island and I can’t do everything on my own.

November is filled with medical appointments. Filled, I say! Some for me, some for the kids. This happens every year around this time so I should expect to be poked and prodded but I just hate it. The good news is that my iron levels have increased significantly since February. The bad news is that the level is still slightly below what is considered healthy. So we’re trying something new to get it where it needs to be.

I’m tired of fighting with people. Just exhausted. People will tell you things because they think you’re crazy enough to believe anything. But is there really any point in arguing with someone like that? Where is the added value in that conversation? I just finished reading Russell Simmons’ book and my new motto regarding everything is, “Do You! Because I am definitely going to do me!” For real. I have too much to do to worry about foolishness. Way too much to do.

Life is good today. The sun is shining and my daughter is making dinner. Pause for reaction …

Here's something I read today that definitely has me thinking: No business book or business plan can predict the future or fully prepare you to become a successful entrepreneur. There is no such thing as the perfect plan. There is no perfect road or one less traveled. Never jump right into a new business without any thought or planning, but don't spend months or years waiting to execute. You will become a well-rounded entrepreneur when tested under fire. The most important thing you can do is learn from your mistakes--and never make the same mistake twice. (Scott Gerber, www.entrepreneur.com)

Was that for anyone else besides me? Tested under fire, huh? Sounds scary.

I feel like I’ll be blogging less frequently. I’m just not in the mood and most of what I write is being jotted down in the fancy journal that the Original OldGirl blessed me with. My Dream Journal. Journey to a Dream. Everything goes there so I feel like I don’t always have much left to share here. Oh well … you know how that goes.

Have a great rest of the week!

The Balancing Act

All I really want to do is be the best me that I can be. For the longest time I thought that only entailed being a good mother and everything else was secondary. I don’t regret any decisions I’ve made regarding that belief it’s just that now I know that I am and can be so much more. I still believe that when a person becomes a parent, their children have to be their number one priority. After all, the children did not ask to be born and it is our responsibility to make sure that we give them the best possible head start. But it’s all about balance. It may have been possible for me to be a good mother AND a good wife but I couldn’t see past my kids in order to make that happen. Now that they are older and my duties have changed I can see past them and its okay to do that. I can be a good girlfriend, sister, friend, employee AND mother.

I wish I could intelligently put into words how absolutely awesome I feel right now. It is such a complete 180 from how I was feeling three months ago. Back then, I just wanted to push fast-forward and get to where I was going to be. I couldn’t stand the state of mind that I was in. I remember pleading with God to show me what it looked like on the other side of this depression. Every night when I went to bed I thanked God for allowing me to get through another day and each morning even though I dreaded getting out of bed, I did and started all over again.

But now … each morning is a gift. I can’t wait for my days to begin. I go through the day feeling … light. I have no worries. Everything is not perfect but I’m enjoying the imperfection. I’m learning to let go of yesterday because it’s gone. Each day I want to start fresh. I used to hold grudges but I realize now that those grudges were actually holding me! No more. No more.

Make today count.

Manic Monday

I was supposed to leave for a 3-day business trip today. But I had to cancel it at the last minute because of developments in my household that need my immediate attention. No one is dead or in jail but let's just say it really sucks when you discover that you can't trust the people that you live with.

Teenagers suck.

Recent Discoveries

* Give and it shall be given unto you

* The ability to network is a valuable skill which I don't currently possess but I'm willing to learn.

* I am my own person and I never do anything that I don't want to do, go anywhere I don't want to go or stay anywhere that I don't want to stay. This is really an employment discovery. Anyone can issue me a paycheck, therefore I don't have to put up with BS from any employer. I'm highly qualified and eminently employable. So there.

* Loyalty is a two-way street

* Cursing someone out ... I mean really cursing them out does not feel as good as you may think

* I am destined to be a business traveler until I begin to enjoy it

* I really do enjoy what I do ... just not all the time

* I'm not a curious person. If there is something going on around me that doesn't directly affect me, my initial reaction is "Who cares?"

* My latest obsession is French Bordeaux and now it's difficult to go back to pinot, or cab and I never really was a merlot person ... and I've switched to stemless wine glasses

* I want to be better in 2009. Whatever that means.

Me? Wrong? Part II

Are you willing to be wrong?

I think that most people that have reached adulthood and have been through a thing or two are more than willing to admit when they are wrong. Willing to admit when they have made a mistake and take responsibility for that mistake.

For most of us that's pretty easy.

"Your issue is that you have to examine your willingness to be wrong."

I sat across the desk from my COO as he told me this yesterday. I try awfully hard to keep my emotions in check. I try not to let eveyone know what I'm feeling and usually folks don't know for sure what I'm about or where I'm coming from and I like that. There is the rare occasion when some ridiculously perceptive person will see through the facade and read me like a harlequin romance. My boyfriend and my COO are two examples.

My boyfriend once told me that I was as intimidating as a Hello Kitty purse.

And my COO hit it on the head when he recognized that I am unwilling to be wrong. Not after the fact but before. What I mean is that, once I make a decision I stand by it and whatever happens happens. If I'm wrong -- so be it. But I find myself in situations when I refuse to do this or that because I don't want to be wrong. One example is in my professional life. I know my business and I'm good at it but I'm hesitant to try something new because I don't want to misstep or misspeak in a professional setting. I don't often volunteer information in meetings because I don't want to be wrong. I know how stupid that is because more times than not if I had spoken up I would have been right and then I kick myself for the rest of the day. As a Black woman in Corporate America I have to work so damned hard to be viewed as an equal and there are people in my office right now who lay in wait for me to screw up. F*ck those haters. If I wasn't good they wouldn't be on me like that. But I still watch my step. Another example can be found in my personal life. I have a guy that loves me more than anything but I won't marry him because I am not willing to be wrong for the third time.

Sitting there in the COOs office this reality hit me like a brick ... and I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. Then I felt like a total loser for crying in the office. Whatever. I don't even know what the hell I was crying for. Was I crying over the realization that I'm really screwed up in the head? Was I upset because something very personal was unintentionally revealed?

I've got to get over this. I had an incredible interview yesterday morning followed up by another phone interview this afternoon. In total, I spoke with five people and the general consensus is that I'll be offered a position by the end of the week. Of course, I have not shared this with anyone because ... what if I'm wrong?

It's Not One or The Other

It's great that even at my age I can make discoveries about myself.

I find it interesting that the two books that I'm reading (actually re-reading) right now were written by two women who you would think at first glance, probably don't have much in common.

Cathie Black is the president of Hearst Magazines and has been referred to as the First Lady of American Magazines. Her book, Basic Black chronicles her many years as a corporate executive. She is the brains behind Cosmopolitan, Esquire and The Oprah Magazine just to name a few. Her book talks about living a 360-degree life. Not necessarily having it all but embracing the things that you do have and learning how to enjoy them. She gives great tips for the female executive on many topics such as: charting your professional course, interviewing, hiring, firing, and how to conduct a successful meeting. The book is inspiring and is perfect for young and older women who are maneuvering their way through the mine field that is Corporate America. I woke up early this morning on my day off and began studying negotiation tactics with a renewed sense of excitement. Which is actually saying a lot because this material is dry as hell. But I know that once I accomplish this course I'll be in a pretty good career position.

The second book that I'm re-reading was written by Elizabeth Gilbert. After reading her book Eat, Pray, Love all I wanted to do was walk away from everything and get closer to God. I wanted to meditate, I wanted to go to more yoga classes, I wanted to rest. I wanted to ... just be.

This book documents Elizabeth's spirtual journey through Italy, India and Indonesia. Her life was in a shambles and she needed to get away and figure some things out. Haven't you ever felt like that? I have.

But what I find so interesting is that I absolutely love both of these books. I learn so much from both of these seemingly different women. There are days when I want to throw on a suit and my pumps and go into my office and kick some ass. Then there are other days when I want to put on a sundress and some sandals and just chill on the chaise. What is even more interesting is that I struggled for a while because I thought I had to choose between one life or the other. For some reason, today I discovered that I don't have to make a choice. I am just as comfortable in a suit as I am a sundress. I can make decisions at a conference room table or I can decide to do nothing on my patio.

I can do both.

If I'm smart I can be the corporate hot shot for the next few years and create a lifestyle that will afford me more opportunities to be the beach bum.

Young Cynics

I'm getting more romantic with age.

More romantic? That would imply that at one time I was less romantic, which of course is laughable. I've never been described as romantic. On that front, I'm probably a little too masculine. I mean, I can appreciate candlelit dinners and music and all that, but for real, I'd rather just get to the good stuff.

So let's say that I am discovering my romantic side. Last night, upon my suggestion, my beloved and I went to the oceanfront and watched the fireworks. We found a spot on the sand and put down a blanket and watched the show in each other's arms.

As we lay there a young couple (probably not even a couple) walked by in the direction of the boardwalk, away from the show. She said, "I've never liked fireworks, they're kinda pointless." He said, "I know, right."

Pointless?

Why does everything have to have a point? Can't some things just ... be. It was a beautiful night. There was a soft breeze and the skies stayed clear until the show the was over. God held off the storm until after we saw the fireworks. These types of observations are wasted on the youth. The beauty of the evening was completely lost on that young woman. I honestly hope that she slows down and opens her eyes one day before she reaches her forties and looks around and sees all that is beautiful in her world.

What Do I Know?

Don't listen to me.

I've been divorced twice and therefore know nothing about making relationships work.

However, tomorrow I will be celebrating 5 years with my beloved. Here are some things I learned in this relationship that I obviously didn't learn during my two marriages:

1. You can compromise without surrendering.
2. Choose your battles, man. Everything doesn't have to be an argument.
   
3. Sometimes he is right.
4. Nothing makes a man happier than when he's allowed to be the man.
5. Silence is golden.
6. Mutual respect is key.
7. Relationships are not a friggin' competition.
8. It pays to be careful with each other's feelings. You can't just say any ole thing.
9. Being able to have a real conversation with someone is a beautiful thing. Cause when the looks fade and the kids are gone and five times a week is reduced to five times a year ... seriously, what do you have left?
10. Suprises never go out of style
11. Sharing common interests is so important.
12. Support him ... even if you don't necessarily agree with him.

Keep in mind, I only know this stuff because the opposite way wasn't working for me. :)

Thought for the Day (+ 1)

I am really good at doing just enough but in order to make a positive effective change I'll have to go above and beyond.

+ 1:

My toes are NOT cute.

That is all.

Taking the Bad with the Good

It's all good.

Um ... no it's not. It's not all good. It's never all good.

I'm not a fan of that phrase because it paints a false picture and gives unrealistic expectations and it's just plain not true.

I work hard to stay positive and look on the bright side. I mean, it doesn't cost anything to be positive, right? I know someone who gets a headache and assumes he has a tumor. I get a headache and take a motrin and keep it moving. I just choose to be positive.

But ...

What I have discovered is that just because I choose to expect the sunshine that doesn't mean a little rain won't still fall. I'm discovering that there is no way to appreciate the good in life without a little bad. Whenever my guy and I have a tiff (yeah, a tiff ... shut up I'm old) I'm predicting the end. I want it to be all good, so when it's not I think it should be over. We are so different from each other that occasional disagreements are bound to occur. It's funny that after almost five years I'm just discovering that. Drifty. I told you. Every disagreement is not a deal breaker.

I've mentioned a few times how I've been hating my job lately. Well, this morning I was greeted with a very complimentary email which was also sent to the prez. It brought tears to my eyes. Honestly, that 3-line email meant more to me than the 4-figure bonus I got at Christmas time. That 3-line email gave me what I needed to get through the day. Hell, that 3-line email somehow got me to bring home the latop and work well into the evening. And even though I'm not necessarily loving my job I'm recognizing that there is good among the bad.

So kids what have we learned? It's not all good ... but that ain't all bad.

Awareness

I hope I don't get this wrong ...

I've been doing a lot of reading lately about being aware, being present, letting go of the ego, getting out of my own way ... being truly happy ... not the kind of happy that is based on emotion but the kind of happy that accompanies peace.

So I'm trying to be more aware of what I'm thinking and how it affects what I'm feeling.

I'm all over the place.

One of the things that I cannot stand is when someone wants me to do something but instead of just asking me to do something they drop hints and expect me to offer to do something. Usually in those situations I will make the person ask. Or I will deliberately not offer just to teach them a lesson. You have not 'cause you ask not! Sidebar: I will never again quote the Bible in an attempt to justify my own wrong doing.

Well, this evening I'm chilling in the house alone. The Prince is at work and the Princess is taking part in one of her many social activities. It's raining outside and I just washed my hair and put big pink rollers in it. The phone rings and it's my guy. He's on his way to a gig and he needs an extra microphone to mic an amp. He says he wanted to stop by on the way to pick up my microphone but now there's no time because he can't be late for the gig. The manager at the club is always complaining that the band is playing too loud so he wants to remedy that by bringing a smaller amp and using a microphone.

He continues this dialogue for about five minutes and I'm listening. Just listening. Then I realize ... he wants me to bring him the mic. So, I'm still listening. Just listening. He never asks me to bring it to him. Instead he keeps repeating the phrase, "I don't know what the f*** I'm gonna do." I'm still listening. Just listening. Finally, he tells me that he'll talk to me later.

After about ten minutes something incredible happened. I put a scarf on my head, I put on my shoes and my jacket, grabbed the mic from the closet and called him. The phone rolled to voice mail, probably because he was unloading his equipment. But I knew he would call back.

While I was waiting for the call back, I stumbled on the fact that I was really being selfish. Yeah, it's raining, yeah, my hair is wet and it's Friday night and I don't want to get off the couch. But he needed me. He would slay a dragon for me and I was hesitating about bringing him a mic. I became aware and it actually felt really good.

He called back and I told him that I would bring him the mic but he would have to meet me outside because my hair was wet and I couldn't get out of the car. He told me that I didn't need to come out in the weather, that they figured out another alternative. He thanked me several times for being so thoughtful and told me he loved me.

So here's the discovery: the important thing was not the action of taking him the mic but the honest, sincere desire to take him the mic. You know? It was like (and don't mock me) the universe gave me exactly what I wanted because I responded in a positive manner instead of a selfish one.

I'm not sure if this exactly what the book is talking about but I think there's a connection somewhere.

Letting it Go

We've all got our sad stories, right? Hell, I've got about a dozen or so myself. Usually, my sad story will revolve around someone who has done something to me. Or someone that I perceive has done something to me. No secret there. Our ability to overcome these transgressions, real or perceived, are the true measure of who we are as people. We will never avoid being hurt so wouldn't our time be better spent getting through the hard time instead of trying to avoid it? For the longest time I had no idea how to deal with the hurt ... so I didn't. I was hurt a very long time ago by someone that I loved. I ignored that hurt for years. I carried around the hurt, I carried around the unforgiveness, I carried around the resentment for years. Talk about baggage. Once I realized how ridiculous that was I made an attempt to let it go. I proclaimed that I had learned how to forgive and I was moving on. I thought this was a great first step. I prayed to God that he would remove the pain and teach me how to forgive. And He did. I was free! I was finally free. But there was still another step that I still had to take which I only just recently discovered. I had to stop using that past pain as an excuse to treat people like crap. I was delivered from the past now it was time for me to completely move out of the past. It is so wrong to make the people in your present pay for the sins of the people from the past. I couldn't acknowledge that I was doing that until I saw someone else doing it. It's terrible. I don't want to be like that. It's like being broke all your life and living in a bad neighborhood, then coming into a significant amount of money and not moving out of that neighborhood. We need to move out of that neighborhood. It doesn't fit anymore. Life is different. Life is better. Shed the past. Embrace the present and look forward to the future.


Book update: 174 pages/34,656 words

(Not so) Amazing Discoveries

I don't know everything.

There I said it. Satisfied? I don't know everything.

You know, admitting that can be pretty liberating. I've lived for nearly forty-four years believing I knew everything. Even if I didn't really believe it I convinced myself and everyone around me that it was true. The problem with that is the pressure that goes along with knowing everything. It means you can never make a mistake. And the mistakes that you do make have to appear to be things that you meant to do. What a drag.

On Christmas Day I ended a four and a half year relationship for no good reason at all. By the way, with the relationship experience that I have, I have absolutely no skills when it comes to breaking up with someone. I suck at it. So for several weeks, I'm miserable because I handled the situation so badly and he's miserable and wondering what the heck happened. Finally, a couple of days ago, when we were both calm, we had an adult conversation. I (actually) apologized for handling the entire thing the way that I did. He (actually) apologized for saying some awful things to me out of anger. We discussed the real problem, had a few drinks and made up. Is it wise to make up over a few drinks? Who knows.

Before I realized that I didn't know everything I would have stood my ground, swore up and down that I was right and walked away from a near-perfect guy. Stupid.

It's okay to be wrong. It's okay to apologize. It's okay to start over. It's okay.

With love,
chele