All or Nothing? (PYHO)

This is a blog hop so link up with Shell and the others and Pour Your Heart Out:





If there were one thing that I could change about myself it would probably be my “all or nothing” attitude. There’s not a whole lot of flexibility in my world. Either you’re with me or you’re against me. Either it’s black or it’s white. Not a lot of gray areas in my world. It usually works out pretty well that way. Everyone knows where they stand and I don’t have to do a bunch of unnecessary explaining.

Except …

When I’m going through life all happy and what not, skipping and singing and feeling all untouchable, and then something awful happens that drives me to my knees it takes me a while to wrap my head around it.

I mean, how dare you come and disrupt all this happy happy joy joy? There is no room for sadness because I’ve got too much happy!

But there it is. The sadness is there and it is overwhelming. And since I don’t believe that sadness and joy can exist in the same space then … well … I must not be happy. And then (get this) my mind begins to recall every sad/mad/bad moment of the last twenty years: the failed marriages, the broken relationships, the awful career choices, etc.

Now, I’m convinced that I was never really happy in the first place. How could I be when I have made such a friggin mess of my life?

My heart aches.

I thought somehow I was protected against sadness. Is that the dumbest thing you’ve heard today? Go ahead and be honest, I won’t be offended. I have made so many positive changes in my life in the past year and I have reaped so many blessings because of those changes … I just assumed that the rest of my life would be all blessings and no sadness. Oh, the naiveté of the faithful. God says that in this life we will have tribulation (John 16:33) but the good news is if I turn to God he will not forsake me during this time (Deuteronomy 4:30-31).

So it’s not all or nothing. I don’t want to be the person who walks around expecting bad things to happen. But I have to leave room for the possibility. I have to be flexible enough to know that sometimes I will have unpleasant experiences and I should be prepared for them. I know I can’t prepare for everything. Sometimes I am going to get knocked on my butt but I have to make the decision to get back up and keep moving.

It Is What It Is

It is what it is.

Know that for me, this is not a statement of indifference but of acceptance. In the recent past I have made more of an effort to actually accept certain unpleasant situations instead of fighting against them. Especially if it is a situation that is beyond my control. I'm learning that fighting against something only makes that something stronger. And me, subsequently, weaker. I'm done. It is what it is.

My teenagers don't want to have anything to do with me. They would notice if I weren't here but for the most part they could care less. I accept the fact that they are no longer infants, toddlers or young children. They have their own opinions and their own lives. I get it. I also know that one day they will come back to me. But for now ... it is what it is. My life will will take on a more peaceful quality if I stop trying to force them to ... I don't even know what. It's not that I don't care because I do but I accept the fact that they are getting older and are more independent.

I've given up the illusion that I'm on some career fast-track. First of all, I'm not even doing what I love to do. I have been doing it for more than ten years because I have obligations to meet and I'm good at it. But it's not my passion. Secondly, in my company's history no one has ever been promoted from within. I thought I would but the rug got pulled out from underneath me and I shouldn't have been surprised. In the last ten months, we probably have had in excess of one dozen new hires ... seven of those were middle-aged white men. One of those men will be my new boss. I'm not pulling the race card, I'm just saying. But it is what it is. For years, I would view this as an injustice and I would make plans to leave ... sending out resumes, scouring the net, all that. But in each place that I ended up, the story would be the same--except I would have a bigger paycheck. There is no perfect job as long as you are working for someone else. I will not fight against the machine known as corporate America. Instead, I will take steps to turn my passion into my vocation and in the meantime allow the corporate world to continue paying my mortgage.

Over the weeked my guy told me the story of how he turned his passion into his vocation and it started about twelve years ago when he picked up a guitar. He was patient and diligent and it paid off. Not quickly but it did. He wakes up everyday knowing that he is going to do what he loves to do. During the story he said, "passion propels progress". I know he didn't make that up but he shared it with me and I'm sharing it with you.

It is what it is is an interesting sentiment and it's probably easier said than done in many situations. Earlier today my mother called to tell me that my father had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. They don't know what's wrong with him. He had trouble breathing and they found some kind of mass around his lungs. He's in ICU. How do I accept that? I can't go to sleep because as long as I am awake I believe he'll be okay. If you know how to pray please pray for my father.

It is what it is? Not this time.

Acceptance

Is it easy to accept people for who they are? Just letting folks be?

Maybe not, but I'm learning that either we accept others, faults and all, or we cut them off. It is frustrating as hell to try and make someone conform to your beliefs and values. It is insane to waste all kinds of time using all kinds of tricks to get someone to change their behavior. Especially if their behavior is not hurting anyone.

Carry on.