Keeping it Moving

I'm back home after my father's funeral.

I need to do something. I have to get out of the house but all I want to do is lay down. But I feel like I should keep moving. When I stop moving that's when the sadness begins to take over.

I really miss my dad. I'm not what you would call a "daddy's girl" but life seemed to make sense because my dad was here. Now he's gone and I just don't know ... everything just feels kind of empty.

All or Nothing? (PYHO)

This is a blog hop so link up with Shell and the others and Pour Your Heart Out:





If there were one thing that I could change about myself it would probably be my “all or nothing” attitude. There’s not a whole lot of flexibility in my world. Either you’re with me or you’re against me. Either it’s black or it’s white. Not a lot of gray areas in my world. It usually works out pretty well that way. Everyone knows where they stand and I don’t have to do a bunch of unnecessary explaining.

Except …

When I’m going through life all happy and what not, skipping and singing and feeling all untouchable, and then something awful happens that drives me to my knees it takes me a while to wrap my head around it.

I mean, how dare you come and disrupt all this happy happy joy joy? There is no room for sadness because I’ve got too much happy!

But there it is. The sadness is there and it is overwhelming. And since I don’t believe that sadness and joy can exist in the same space then … well … I must not be happy. And then (get this) my mind begins to recall every sad/mad/bad moment of the last twenty years: the failed marriages, the broken relationships, the awful career choices, etc.

Now, I’m convinced that I was never really happy in the first place. How could I be when I have made such a friggin mess of my life?

My heart aches.

I thought somehow I was protected against sadness. Is that the dumbest thing you’ve heard today? Go ahead and be honest, I won’t be offended. I have made so many positive changes in my life in the past year and I have reaped so many blessings because of those changes … I just assumed that the rest of my life would be all blessings and no sadness. Oh, the naiveté of the faithful. God says that in this life we will have tribulation (John 16:33) but the good news is if I turn to God he will not forsake me during this time (Deuteronomy 4:30-31).

So it’s not all or nothing. I don’t want to be the person who walks around expecting bad things to happen. But I have to leave room for the possibility. I have to be flexible enough to know that sometimes I will have unpleasant experiences and I should be prepared for them. I know I can’t prepare for everything. Sometimes I am going to get knocked on my butt but I have to make the decision to get back up and keep moving.

Speed Bumps

I had dinner and drinks with my sister on Friday night. It was a lovely dinner and we had a great conversation. We're both in our forties and we were discussing where we are in our lives and how much things have changed over the years. I used the very corny, cliche line, "I'm in a good place." I told her I hated saying things like that because it sounds ridiculous but that is how I felt. I like where I am.

Then Boom!

On Saturday I was hit with something that just left me feeling deflated. Remember, on LaVerne and Shirley when LaVerne would say to Shirley, "When is your balloon gonna land?" Well, mine landed.

Why does that happen?

Seriously, why is it that we can be travelling down a path where there is nothing but tree-lined streets, roses, champagne and sunshine and then all of a sudden you hit a friggin' brick wall?

It's like a reality check. I am not the kind of person who is afraid of good times. I do not go around knocking on wood or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I enjoy my happiness while I have it. But does this make me less prepared for when some shit happens to knock the wind out of me?

It may have felt like a brick wall but in reality I believe it was just a speed bump. Something to slow me down for a minute so I can pay attention to what is going on around me but once I get over the speed bump I can accelerate back to a normal speed.

Yeah, it's just a speed bump.

I believe that sometimes God will allow these "speed bumps" just to see if we will still trust Him during the rough patches. My world has not come crashing down around me and I know everything will be fine. Although there were times today when I really just wanted to die. To just not exist anymore. But I'll get through this and I'll be fine. I can't even say "one day at a time". It's more like one hour at a time. My heart aches. But I know that this too shall pass.