Day 333

Closing in on 11 months.  Yesterday two “interesting” things happened.  Interesting to me, at least.

First, a friend that I haven’t spoken to in probably a year called out of the blue.  Honestly, I contemplated sending her to voicemail.  Nothing against her, she’s a lovely person but I’m just not a fan of talking on the phone.  As a rule, I roll my eyes when my phone rings.  I should probably stop that.  Anywho, I decided to take the call and she told me that I had been on her mind for several days and she just thought she should check in.  I used to be her personal trainer and she recently went back to the gym so she thought about me.  She moved recently and was unpacking boxes and found my book and she thought about me.  She finally decided that there was a reason why I kept coming to mind and she decided to call.  I love that.  I’ve done that before.  Sometimes a person keeps appearing in my mind and I am compelled to hear their voice.  It was nice to catch up with her.  She had gone through some health issues and other traumatic events and after we spoke, I just prayed for her.

Secondly, after work I had to make a quick stop at the grocery store and this guy stopped me and asked if I was single and when I said “yes” he asked if we could talk and get to know each other.  That has happened to me a few times in this very grocery store but not in several years.  It was flattering.  His shopping cart looked like he was either shopping for a family of 10 or he was an insta-cart shopper.  It was weird.  He appeared to be at least 10+ years younger than me.  I should have pointed that out during the conversation in the store instead of exchanging phone numbers with him.  It would have saved me an evening of anxiously looking at my phone waiting for a call/text that would never come.  What is wrong with me?  I have no desire to date or be in a relationship, but like I said, I was flattered.  Realistically, I cannot even imagine how that conversation would have gone.  

Everything happens for a reason.  I cannot for the life of me tell you what that reason is but perhaps it will be revealed at a later date.

In any case, I had a good night’s sleep.  I got up at 4AM and went to the gym as usual and now I’m at work celebrating 333 days of alcohol freedom. 

I saw a meme a while ago that was essentially bashing people who say they are sober, and yet they drink kombucha.  I was like “what the hell?”.  What’s wrong with kombucha?  There is a lot of judgement in these various communities, and it gets on my nerves.  It reminds me of when I first decided to big chop and go natural.  “Natural” was defined in so many different ways and again, there was judgement if you didn’t fit into a certain box.  Can we all just stop judging each other and allow people to live their lives in a way that makes them happy and doesn’t hurt anybody else?

That’s what I’m thinking about on Day 333.

Currently reading:  A Gate at the Stairs by Lorrie Moore

 

 

Day 304

 Ten months of alcohol freedom. 

Why do I call it alcohol freedom instead of sobriety?  It’s all about my perception and my relationship with alcohol.  I associate the idea of being sober or sobriety with those who identify as alcoholics, and I do not identify myself in that way.  Maybe I’m wrong or in denial.  I identify as someone who misused alcohol and I discovered that I am not someone who can drink in moderation -- and even if I could, why would I?  I realize that (for me) alcohol was not doing me any favors.  Even in moderation I would experience hangovers, bloating, puffiness under my eyes and an unexplainable lethargy.  So, why bother?  Therefore, it was best to quit altogether.  Alcoholism is a chronic disease characterized by uncontrolled dependence on alcohol.  I would not say that I had an uncontrolled dependence on alcohol.  It was more of a mindless habit that if I continued with would most assuredly have turned into dependence.  I believe I was probably on the road to alcoholism but got off a few stops before reaching that destination. 

My life changed ten months ago.  I stopped asking myself the question:  am I drinking too much? And got real honest and said “yes” and decided to stop.  I don’t miss it.  I don’t crave it.  I don’t need it.  My daughter came to visit a few weeks ago and asked if it would be a problem if she brought wine into the house.  I told her it would not be a problem and that she could do whatever she wanted.  In other words, her enjoying a glass of wine was not a trigger and she was not crossing any boundaries. 

This is an interesting journey for me.  Part of me would really like to be part of a “sober community”, but my story does not seem to fit.  I never had a “rock bottom” moment.  No DUIs or embarrassment surrounding alcohol.  I simply decided that it was not good for my wellbeing and I quit.  I feel like since my story isn’t tragic enough, I would not fit into one of those communities.  It’s probably for the best … hanging out with large groups of strangers isn’t really my thing.

Anyway, I’m coming up on my one year anniversary and I will more than likely stop counting days after 365 and start counting years.

Day 304

Currently reading:  Whereabouts, by Jhumpa Lahiri

 

Day 290

During a conversation with a friend, I made the statement that our lives operate in seasons.  Just like winter, spring, summer, and fall.  Some of our seasons are long and some are short, but the one thing that they all have in common is that they do not last forever.   I saw some posts over the weekend from a fellow figure competitor.  She was on stage and posing and looking amazing and it immediately brought me back to my competition days and I couldn’t believe that I was once so into that lifestyle.  It was everything to me and if you knew me in real life during that time, you would certainly agree.  Every word that came out of my mouth had to do with either lifting weights, eating (or not eating) and sleeping.  How is it that something that once consumed every fiber of my being is now just a nice memory?  It’s because our lives operate in seasons.  No matter how hard we try to make certain things last forever, it is my opinion that nothing was meant to last forever.  I believe that many of us experience varying levels of anxiety because we are trying to hold on to things, people or experiences forever when they were only meant to last for a season.  Why are we so afraid of change?  Why is letting go an issue? 

What does any of this have to do with being alcohol-free for 290 days?  I don’t know.  Sometimes, I think about my lifestyle when I was drinking.  That is, when I was drinking socially and made alcohol part of experiences and not sitting alone in my house night after night consuming bottle after bottle.  Pre-pandemic alcohol consumption was different.  It was, dare I say, fun?  I do not miss the alcohol and have found healthier ways to treat my body and my mind.  Letting go took a few tries but I finally did it and I realize more and more that when that little voice is telling me it is time to move on there should be little hesitation.  The longer you wait, the longer you are delaying the “something better” that is right around the corner.

290 days.

Currently reading:  A House Among the Trees by Julia Glass

Day 274

 Nine months, baby!

I am closing in on a full year of alcohol freedom!  How cool is that?  Very cool.

Last week my daughter came down for a visit and we had a great time together.  During the visit, she asked me if it would be a problem for me if she brought a bottle of wine in the house.  Without hesitation, I told her that it would be fine.  And it was.  I drank my tea, and she drank her wine, and all was well in the world.  

I love this time of year.  Winter is trying to hold on by throwing the random chilly evening my way, but Spring is a fighter and will prove to be victorious.  I bought a new chaise lounge for the patio which is the perfect place to read in the afternoons.  I also bought a hammock, but the hammock has no back support and when the random bumble bee or wasp shows up, I struggle to get out of the hammock and run!  I'll keep the hammock though, who knows ... maybe I'll go camping one day and it will come in handy.  I doubt it, but stranger things have been known to happen.  What I'm saying is that I will leave my options open.  Always leave your options open.

I am currently reading Lily's Song by Susan Gabriel.  

Day 274.

Day 265

 

Two hundred sixty-five days.  I’m 100 days away from an entire year of alcohol freedom.  I do not recall when I took my first drink, but I remember clearly when I took my last one.  It was July 9^th, 2021, and I drank a bottle of prosecco in my living room.  That was the day that I said goodbye to alcohol for good.  I wasn’t sure at the time if it would be forever or not but I’m sure now.  It will be forever.  It’s still one day at a time and I’m not immune to a “slip” but the thought of starting at Day 1 again depresses me.  I hear stories of people who relapse, and I just don’t want to.  No judgement, of course – I know life happens and we have to give ourselves and others grace when it does. 

Today though … today I am 100 days away from a full year without drinking.  I’m really happy and proud of myself for taking this on.  It’s April 1^st and it is finally getting warmer.  I’m hoping to clean up my lawn this weekend and set up my patio furniture in preparation for longer days out there reading books and eating meals. 

Currently reading:

Just After Sunset, by Stephen King

Interpreter of Maladies, by Jhumpa Lahiri

Midnight and Indigo, edited by Ianna A. Small

On Writing, by Stephen King

Lesson learned after 265 days of alcohol freedom:  Move in silence and let your results speak for themselves.

Day 265

Day 243 (8 months)

8 months.

What I have realized after 8 full months of alcohol-freedom is that there is truth to the idea of enjoying the journey.

When I stopped drinking I kind of felt that there would be immediate, noticeable changes in my life.  There weren’t.  I was disappointed and kept looking for the immediate changes but what I realized was that in my quest to look for the immediate I was ignoring the subtle.

Does that make sense?

Everything in life is a process and when we decide to slow down and stop focusing on the destination, the journey, (i.e. the process) becomes that much more enjoyable.

All the changes that I was looking for:  clearer skin, better sleep, better focus, etc. have been achieved only now I realize that those changes simply opened the door to more changes.  

• Since my skin is clearer I don't feel the need to pile on the makeup, so I'm saving money.  
• Since I'm getting better sleep waking up at 4AM to work out is not a struggle, so I'm getting more exercise and enjoying it.  
• Since I'm more focused, I'm re-discovering things about myself that I thought were lost forever.  

The journey never stops.  Each milestone reached is a step to another milestone.  When you think about it, when you reach the final destination, it is the FINAL DESTINATION.  I’m in no hurry to get there.

I just want to keep moving, growing and learning.

243 days.

 

 

Day 235

 “Forget what’s gone.  Appreciate what still remains.  Look forward to what’s coming next.”

One of the best things about giving up alcohol is the ability to think more clearly instead of seeing everything through an alcohol-soaked haze.  It is not something that happens as soon as you put the bottle down, but it does happen over time. 

I’ll be 58 years old this year and I don’t know what it’s “supposed” to feel like, but I don’t feel old, and I don’t feel like I should be sitting in a rocking chair somewhere waiting to die.  I feel alive and vibrant and I’m looking forward to my future.  I still want to go places and I still want to see things.  I still want to experience things.  I am laser-focused on retirement and the big question is:  What are you gonna do once you’re not tied to a 9-5?

There is a line in the movie “Bridges of Madison County” where Meryl Streep’s character talks about how a woman puts her dreams to the side when she has children and how their dreams and their futures become the focus.  I can agree with that.  Once I had children all my focus was on them and after decades of not focusing on yourself you kind of forget how to do it.  I want to believe that I had dreams once and for a long time I struggled to even remember what those dreams were.

After 2 divorces, raising two children and 235 days of alcohol freedom I think I remember.

More to come …

Day 235

 

Day 221

 221 Days (7 months 6 days)

I use an app on my phone to keep track of the days of alcohol freedom.  On the app there is a “community” tab where other users communicate, and they share their triumphs as well as their struggles.  I don’t participate but I do read some of the comments.  Reading the comments really puts my journey into perspective.  Many of the users are really struggling and being able to celebrate 7 months sober is a huge accomplishment.  I applaud them.  For me, each day is just another non-drinking day.  Alcohol was never something I “needed”.  Just something I wanted and during the pandemic it became a bad habit that could have potentially turned into full blown alcoholism.  Thank God that is not my story, but I will continue to pray for those whose story it is.

 

Day 186

 Six months and two days and I can honestly say that for the majority of this time I have not even had a craving.  Until two days ago.  For some reason, I cannot explain why, I was just feeling "blue".  I didn't want to do anything but crawl into my bed at 6PM.  And then for a second I thought about having a glass of wine.  I didn't of course, but the thought was there.  

In my grocery store, the wine section is right across from the produce.  I pass the bottles each time I go to pick up my veggies.  Is that weird?  I pass by those bottles and don't give it a second thought but something about two days ago triggered me.  It could be the seasonal depression -- it is cold as hell and of course I only see the sunshine through my office window.  I don't know ... 

Anyway, today I can proudly say that I am still a non-drinker.  

Day 123 (4 months)

Why does 4 months seem like such a short period of time but it feels like forever ago since my last drink?

I'm super proud of the accomplishment. 

I'm completely on auto-pilot and don't even think about drinking or not drinking.  

I just don't drink.

Period.

Day 109

109 days.

3 months and 17 days.

It's almost the end of October.  My birthday month.  My vacation was amazing.  I went to Park City, Utah, which apparently is famous for great skiing.  I had no idea.  I just wanted to travel someplace that I had never been.  

The resort that I stayed in was beautiful and it even snowed while I was there.  It's weird how much I hate the snow while I'm here at home, but while on vacation -- it was just lovely.  I stayed in a one bedroom suite with a two bathrooms and a full kitchen.  There were no restaurants on the property and since I'm a morning person I was excited to explore the city and find a new local place to have breakfast each day where I was served great food and coffee.  I booked a massage and a facial at a local spa.  And I found time to put my hiking boots to good use.  

I love getting away and even though air travel is stressful to me because it can be so unpredictable, I didn't even mind that.  However, since I now that it can be stressful I did everything I could to make it less so -- like splurging and flying first class.  Totally worth it and I may never fly coach again.

This was my first alcohol-free birthday in forever.  I'm getting to the point where not drinking is not something I even think about.  I just don't do it.   I may stop counting the days once I get to a year.  

The holidays are approaching and for some people it may be an issue but I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.  I have already decided that if my company has a holiday party this year, I'm not attending.  After all, COVID is still in these streets -- we're wearing masks in the office so it doesn't make sense to be at a holiday party.  Not to mention the fact that I hate holiday parties -- so there's that.  I'll have Thanksgiving with my family and no one really drinks in my family so there's no pressure there either.  

It will probably be more challenging to get through my seasonal depression than to remain alcohol free.  The days are shorter and I can feel a slight change in my mood already.  Last year, I gained 15+ pounds during this time and I am determined not to do that again.  I'm paying close attention to how I'm eating and I'm keeping up with my workouts.  I'm meditating more and I'm being intentional about staying in a positive headspace.

Fingers crossed.

109 days, Baby!

Day 70

 I feel so good today.  It is relatively early on a Saturday morning.  I've done the grocery shopping, made breakfast, mowed the lawn, taken a shower and now enjoying my second cup of coffee.  I have no specific plans for the day and I'm glad for that.  

I'm preparing for my birthday trip which is less than a month away and I'm starting to get excited.  After work yesterday I went shopping for a pair of hiking boots for the trip.  Yes, hiking boots.  I never bought hiking boots before and I've been missing out.  They are comfortable and will keep my feet warm and protected.  This is going to be a great trip.

After I went shopping I treated myself to something that I haven't done since I stopped drinking.  I went out to eat.  I know that doesn't seem like a big deal but let me explain.  Dining out has always been something that I loved to do.  I'm a little bougie so I prefer going to places that have a nice wine list.  Sitting in a dimly lit restaurant across from someone that I'll probably have sex with later on is a joy for me. Well, now that I'm single and sober, drinking wine and having sex are off the table.  However, that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy the experience of having someone serve me food.  I love having someone take my order and bring me food.  I get so caught up in everyday life and eating my own cooking -- because I'm an awesome cook -- that I forget how nice it is to have someone else cook for a change.

Before the pandemic, before I became a vegetarian, before I stopped drinking and before I ended my relationship -- I was in restaurants all the time.  Now, not so much and I miss it.  Having to research places with vegetarian options is a pain and I don't want to go to my old spots and just have a boring salad.  Anyway, I took the plunge yesterday after work and it was marvelous.

I ordered a caprese salad with avocado and a cup of tomato soup and for dessert I had a huge slice of cheesecake.  A very simple meal but I did not have to make it.  The simple act of being among people in a restaurant was what I needed.  I may make this my Friday-after-work ritual. 

September is National Recovery month.  It's nice to have a month to celebrate recovery in all its forms.  Lords knows I'm recovering from a whole mess of things.  I talk a little bit about recovery on my podcast "Before I Go" which can be found on iTunes, Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts.  Check it out.

I'm still waiting to get my new floors installed.  I talked to the people yesterday and I should be able to set the installation appointment soon -- just waiting for all the materials to come in.  I can't wait to get this done.  I'm working on transforming my space into an oasis.  I have a lot to do and I'm not in a hurry but getting these floors done is the number one goal.

Anyway, I hope you are having an amazing weekend.

Day 70 ... yo, I'm more than half way to 100 days without alcohol.  Woo-Hoo!!!!

Day 59

“Authenticity is the gift of sobriety”

I heard this quote on a podcast while on my run this morning.  The name of the podcast is Soberful in case you’re interested and when I heard the quote, something about it just rang true for me.  I feel like right now I am living as my most authentic self.  It’s hard to explain.  I never thought I was living inauthentically, but how could I if I was always in an alcohol haze?

When I was drinking, my days consisted of going to work, coming home and sitting on the couch with a glass/bottle of wine.  I am probably making it sound worse than it actually was.  I wasn’t getting drunk, but I was dulling my senses.  I would literally turn off my brain at the end of the day.  I would think about absolutely nothing.  Admittedly, there are times when that is necessary.  There were times in my life when I would pray to be able to shut off my thoughts but that’s not what this was.  This was different. 

Now that I am alcohol-free, I am learning to embrace my thoughts.  Instead of fighting thoughts I welcome them, I identify them, and I keep the ones that are useful and release the ones that are not.  This is how I am moving toward a more authentic way of living my life.

Living authentically, for me, means to simply be true to who I am.  Not running away from who I am and not being afraid of expressing who I am. 

I do not miss drinking and it’s hard to believe that I ever thought it was a good thing.  More times than not it absolutely was not a good thing.  Doing and saying things I would never do or say had I been sober.  But you know what is even worse?  Having to remember those things after you’ve sobered up.  Some of those nights are etched in my brain and will be there for a lifetime.  It’s not pretty.

Thankfully, those days are behind me and I look forward to the days ahead.

It’s day 59 and I’m just a few days away from 2 full months of alcohol freedom.  I was going to allow myself another sobriety gift, but I think I’ll wait until I hit 6 months.  Truth is, I rarely wait for a “special” occasion to treat myself and I don’t really need another gift right now.  I booked my birthday trip and I’m getting new floors installed in my house.  That’s all the gifting I need for now. 

Speaking of the new floors … I’ve needed them for a very long time, but I didn’t want to spend the money and honestly, I just didn’t care.  I would sit on the couch and look at the carpet through the alcohol haze, knowing it looked horrible, and just shrug my shoulders and take another sip.  However, since deciding to improve my physical being, I realize it’s time to improve my environment as well.  I think one naturally influences the other.

Anyway, that’s enough rambling for one day.

Day 59.

Day 44

It’s Monday and I can honestly say that I am glad it’s Monday and I’m glad to be at work at not at my house.  The weekend was ridiculously busy – busier than I prefer for a weekend.  It started with a pet emergency (Portia is fine now) and it just escalated from there.  My daughter was in town to help me, but it was still a lot.  By Sunday night all I could do was collapse into the bed – grateful that I got through everything without even craving alcohol.

I take notice of all the things that happen in my life now that would have been justification for a drink.  Small things.  Everyday life occurrences that millions of people don’t see as an excuse to drink.  I was not that person, but I am now and I’m proud of me.  It may seem like a small accomplishment or no accomplishment at all, but for me – it is huge. 

I am in the process of finalizing my birthday plans.  I’m actually traveling this year and I am excited.  I’m going someplace that I have never been and I’m flying first class.  I have never flown first- class, but I feel like I can allow myself some comfort in an uncomfortable situation.  After all, we are still in a pandemic and flying is risky so I may as well be comfortable.  I’m not spending money on alcohol so I can spend it on a first-class plane ticket.  Why not?  It’s funny, whenever I think about making a purchase or hesitate to make one, I tell myself, “You spent more than that on wine!”  For example, I just spent close to $300 on a standing desk for my office.  I sit at my desk for nine hours a day and this desk will really help with my mobility, yet it sat on my Amazon wish list for two years because I didn’t want to spend the money.  It’s all about perspective.   Three hundred dollars’ worth of wine did nothing good for me and I didn’t think twice about spending that money.  I’d like to think I’m smarter now.

I’ll be fifty-seven in less than two months.  When I was thirty, being 57 and what that would mean never even entered my mind.  First of all, I was depressed when I was 30 and couldn’t even see being 31 let alone 57.  Secondly, I never thought I would be this stable, this happy, this grounded.  I am grateful for every single year that has brought me to this place.  I have a good life.

Day 30

Eight years ago, I stopped drinking for close to two years and didn’t think twice about it.  At that point in my life, I was a competitive athlete and working with a personal trainer.  Alcohol was not part of my meal plan – neither was bread or fried foods – so I stayed away from it.  I cancelled my membership to a wine club which sent me two bottles of wine each month.  I was working toward a goal at the time, and I wanted to make sure that I did everything that I was supposed to do in order to receive the best outcome.  And I did.

What’s different now?

I think about that wine club membership – two bottles a month?  Before I stopped drinking this time, I was probably consuming a case of wine a month.  Today, I’m not working toward anything other than a healthier lifestyle.  Back then, I would drink every now and then, so it was easier to stop but this time it had become more of a habit.

Where do these things even begin?  When I used to smoke cigarettes, it started out with me only smoking in social situations.  I would never buy cigarettes; I was always the person who would “bum” one from someone else.  Eventually, that turned into a real habit and it was years before I quit for good.

It pretty much started the same way with alcohol – only drinking socially.  Although, when I moved into my first apartment after college, I thought it was a “cool” thing to have a bottle of wine in my refrigerator.  Not all the time – I may have done it once or twice.  Drinking socially was interesting because I never even knew what to order half the time.  Then Carrie Bradshaw introduced me to the Cosmopolitan and that became my drink.  The girls from Sex and the City made drinking look so damned glamorous and chic.  There was a time when I was on a quest to find what bartender made the best Cosmo in town.  After years of vodka, cranberry, triple sec and lime I switched to tequila.  Shots of tequila that is. Until finally I settled on wine.

Wine has been my drink of choice for more than 15 years and today I am 30 days alcohol-free. Back when I was training for the stage and not drinking, I never even thought about alcohol – not even on a cheat day.  I didn’t miss it and I didn’t want it.  I want to get back to that feeling.  I don’t have cravings, but I do think about it.  On Fridays, I think about how I used to stop at Total Wine on the way home from work to prepare for the weekend.  When I sit on my patio with a cup of coffee I think back to when I used to sit on the patio with a glass/bottle of wine.  I really would like those thoughts to stop entering my head.

I’m working on it.  I’m working on ways to shift my thinking whenever my wind wanders toward the bottle.  It’s a process and I’m grateful that those thoughts are just thoughts and never turn into action.

30 days, Baby.  😊

 

 

Day 25

I skipped today’s workout.  The last time I skipped a workout was because I had a hangover.  Not a terrible hangover, just a slight headache and no motivation. 

That is not the case today.  This morning’s workout was skipped because it was raining.  After I turned off the alarm at 4:00AM, I heard the rain pouring down outside my window and the sound was just so soothing and I realized that I had slept the whole night and it was the most peaceful feeling ever.  It was the best sleep.  I decided in that moment that I wanted to savor that feeling, skip the workout and not feel bad about it.

And I don’t feel bad about it.

I’m closing in on my 30-day sober milestone and I’m really excited.  I ordered a gift for myself from Etsy.  I thought that it would arrive by the anniversary day, but I just realized that the seller is in another country and it won’t arrive on time.  Ugh!  I may get myself another gift for the day.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about this journey as this milestone approaches and I oscillate between thinking whether I have a “drinking problem” or not.  I suppose if I believe I have a problem – then it’s a problem.  There are levels to this thing.  On the one hand, I don’t think I’m an alcoholic.  I’m not a fall-down drunk.  There is no rock-bottom story.  On the other hand, I find myself unable to drink in moderation … like I won’t ever have just one drink.  It’s always two and usually more.  Now that I have stopped, I do not have cravings.  I don’t wish I was drinking again.  I don’t regret my decision to quit.  I happily replaced my wine rack with a tea bag carousel to hold all the different types of tea that I’m drinking.  I don't do mock tails or non-alcoholic beer.  For me, there is no point.

For a very long time, there was a still small voice in my head that told me I needed to quit.  The voice didn’t yell, and it wasn’t insistent.  But it was there.  I heard it and for a long time, I ignored it.  I liked my wine.  But as we all know, everything that is good to you isn’t good for you.  For that matter, it wasn’t even that good to me.  Wine did not enhance my experiences.  It reminds me of when I wanted to quit smoking cigarettes.  I liked smoking but I knew I had to stop.  So, I prayed, and I said to God, “Please remove the desire.”  Eventually, He did just that.  One day I lit up a cigarette and I felt dizzy, lightheaded, and nauseated.  That was the day I quit.

It was a little different with the wine.  It never made me sick – besides the occasional hangover – it was just time.  Time to step out of the haze.  Time to sleep through the night.  Time to lose the wine breath and wine belly.  It was just time.

I have always felt that there was something greater for me.  I believe that God has a plan for my life.  A plan that somehow differs from what I'm doing now.  Something that hasn't even been on my radar.  Perhaps the alcohol was blocking my ability to see what the plan is.  Or maybe, God just had to wait for me to stop drinking in order for him to prepare me for what the plan is.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just talking out my ass, but if not, and there really is a plan, all I can say is, "Lord, I'm ready."

Day 25

 

Day 20

This morning while I was at the gym, I was listening to a podcast called Sober Bliss.  The guest on the episode was someone to whom I could relate.  At the time of the recording, she was a year into her sobriety.  She started when she was 56 (like me), she did not have a tragic “rock bottom” moment (like me), she was good at her job (like me) and a good mother (like me) and decided to stop drinking because she was concerned about her health (like me).  I loved listening to her story because it sounded so much like my own.  It sounds cliché but I was reminded that I was not alone in this thing.

My days are different.  There are ups and downs.  Today, however is an UP day. 

One thing that I had to remember is that it can be challenging to remove something from your life without replacing it with something else.  In the past, I would experience this with negative thinking.  I couldn’t just stop thinking negatively – I had to actively replace those negative thoughts with positive thoughts. 

It’s the same thing with addictions, in my opinion.  When you are trying to give up this thing that has held a huge spot in your life, if you don’t replace it with something else, then the likelihood of going back to that thing is greater.

My routine has been to come home from work, wash my face, change my clothes, pour a glass of wine and plop down in front of the television.  Then collapse into bed in a wine-induced haze.

I’m developing a new routine which is making me so very happy:  come home, wash my face, meditate, make a cup of tea, moisturize my hair while watching television, have dinner, go to bed with a book and happily fall asleep. 

I’m using a guided mediation app called Medito and I’m doing a 30-day meditation challenge.  I’ve tried meditation before but was not able to make it a habit.  They suggest adding meditation to an activity that you’re already doing – like washing my face at the end of the day.

Let’s talk about that for a minute … I love taking care of my skin.  At the end of the day, it is just so relaxing, and it just feels good.  I take my makeup off as soon as I get home from work, so I don’t risk falling asleep with it on.  Anyway, I do a double cleanse, apply eye cream, retinol and then moisturizer and my skin loves it.  Now, I simply add meditation to that routine.  So far, it’s working.  So, not only am I cleansing my skin but I’m cleansing my mind of the events of the day.  Corny?  Maybe.  But it makes me happy.  It’s taken me 20 days to get to this happy place.  Will it last?  I don’t know.  I’m taking it one day at a time.

Day 20.

Day 17

 Tell me I cannot do something and in most cases my response will be “watch me”. 

Alcohol was always that elusive thing that I wanted to try when I was younger.  I suppose that was the case with most people.  We always want the thing that we’re not supposed to have.  When I was a kid, I remember my parents drinking Cold Duck on New Year’s Eve and giving us a sip.  It tasted horrible but it was something that was forbidden so for some reason, that made it cool.

When I was a teenager, we would drink the cheapest stuff we could find:  Mad Dog 20/20, Night Train, Olde English and what about Riunite wine?  I still remember that commercial, “Riunite on ice, that’s nice.”

It wasn’t nice.  None of it was.  I don’t remember any of it tasting good but because it was forbidden, we had to do it.

In college, I was introduced to grain alcohol and Bacardi 151.  Sidenote:  I had no idea that “151” meant that it was 151 proof.  Mind you, I am doing all this drinking before I even turned 21 years old – the legal drinking age in most places.  In college, I had a particularly scary thing happen.  It was Halloween and everyone in the dorm dressed up and we were drinking a lot and at some point, someone took out a camera and started taking pictures.  I know this because a week or so later someone asked me if I saw the pictures from Halloween.  “What pictures?” I asked.  I was told to go to so-and-so’s room to see them.  To my surprise and horror, I was in a lot of those pictures and I had no memory of the night whatsoever.  The pictures weren’t risqué or anything … I was just boozy and happy.  It was just the fact that I couldn’t remember photos being taken that scared me.

After that, I eased up on the drinking and pretty much stuck to weed.  That’s another story for a different day.

Once I reached the legal drinking age, I began to experiment with different types of cocktails.  I never knew what to order so I would take cues from television and movies.  I would order rum and coke, screwdrivers, vodka and cranberry juice, cosmopolitans.  Once I ordered a Long Island iced tea when I was with my father.  He watched the bartender make this thing and just looked at me and shook his head.

When I look back, I don’t remember wanting to drink because alcohol tasted good.  The idea was to get a buzz.  I soon reasoned that if I wanted to get a buzz then I should stop ordering mixed drinks and just do shots. Tequila became my drink of choice.  Specifically, Patron Silver.  It was smooth, I could drink a lot of it, and I would never get sick or have a hangover.  The only drawback for me, was that I was able to remember every detail of the previous evening and some of those details should have been forgotten.  There was one particular night in January 1992 that still haunts me to this day …

After some years, I gave up the hard liquor for wine.  Wine, in my estimation was much more sophisticated.  I would go on wine tours, attend tastings and wine dinners.  I learned about wine parings and that some wine tastes better with certain food.  For example, I am not a fan of Chardonnay, however, when paired with fish, it becomes rather tasty.  I was becoming a real expert.  I like wine.  No, I actually love wine.  It was the experience for me.  Going to a nice restaurant and asking for a wine list was a joy.  Having the server allow me to taste it and make a decision was a pleasure. 

Then something happened.  It was no longer an experience.  It was just me, alone opening a bottle and drinking it.  It became no different than making a cup of tea and drinking that (which is what I do now). 

I felt like it was getting out of hand especially when I couldn’t stick to the rules that I would set for myself.  I would plan to give it up for a month and then I would go back after three weeks.  I would say I would only drink on the weekends but that would turn into Thursday through Monday instead of just Friday through Sunday.  My tolerance increased.  Previously, I would have to limit myself to only two glasses whether I was out or at home but at some point, I was able to drink a bottle at one sitting. 

I don’t want to be able to drink like that.  It’s not cute. 

At this point in my life, I’m not even concerned with being sloppy or embarrassing or not being able to function because that is not me.  I'm too much of a control freak for that ever to happen.  What I’m concerned with, is what it’s doing to my body, to my health.  I wish I could see a picture of my liver.  Yeah, those are the things that I think about.  I not only want to live a long life, but I want to live a long, healthy life.  I want to continue to lift weights and run and do my own grocery shopping and cut my own grass.  I want to do everything I can to make sure that I stay strong.  Can I do that and drink in moderation?  Can I drink in moderation?  I don’t know.  I used to be able to – but here lately that is not the case.  I was drinking a lot and there was no one around to check me, so I have to check myself.

17 days.

 

 

Day 14

 Saturday morning at 10:15.  I ran 5 miles, got cleaned up, did the grocery shopping, made a veggie scramble and a pot of coffee, cut up a watermelon and now there is a pot of rice on the stove for the fried rice that I'll make tomorrow.

I can't remember the last time I hit the pavement on a Saturday morning.  It felt so good to run with no hangover.  I wasn't running to sweat the alcohol out of my system because of a boozy Friday night.  It felt good to just run.  To make it even better it was only 64 degrees when I went out which is cooler than it has been all week at 5AM.

Fourteen days without alcohol.  I've done 14 days before.  The difference this time is that I'm not counting down the days until I will drink again.  This time I'm done.

I've been reading a few message boards of people who are on this journey.  I don't feel like I fit in though.  These people are really struggling with not drinking.  I can't say that I am.  As I've said before, it was more of a habit than anything else.  A bad habit that was slowly killing me.  I didn't need the alcohol, it was just part of my weekly routine.  I've replaced alcohol with tea in that routine.

I'm not really being tested or tempted.  If I were in a social situation would I be tempted?  Maybe but I'm confident that I will stick to my goal of not drinking.  I want "non-drinker" to be part of my identity like "vegetarian".

When I became a vegetarian I not only had to stop eating "food with a face" but I also had to figure out what to eat.  Vegetables, yes but what else?  It took me a while to figure it out but I have it now.  With giving up alcohol all I have to do is stop drinking.  Nothing has to replace it.  Some people need the non-alcoholic beer or some placebo that makes them think they are drinking.  That's not my story but I did pick up a bottle of seltzer water today.  I think a glass over ice would be refreshing.

I don't know ... I'm just super excited to be 14 days sober and I'm looking forward to 30, 60, 90 days and an entire lifetime alcohol-free.

Day 12

 So, it seems that my restless, sleepless nights are not because of the alcohol.  Well, not only the alcohol -- it's also because of menopause and night sweats.

Ugh.

When I stopped drinking I really expected to sleep through the night without tossing and turning.  When I was drinking I would have a glass of wine when I got home from work at 4:30PM and maybe have another one or two before I went to bed between 8:30 and 9:00.  I would not have a problem falling asleep but I would inevitably wake up with a dry mouth and a headache around midnight or so.

Now, that I'm not drinking I'll have a nice cup of tea when I get home, go to bed around 8:00PM, fall asleep close to 9:00, after reading for a while or watching an episode of Schitt's Creek.  Then I'll wake up around 2:00AM to use the bathroom and maybe get back to sleep.

I get out of bed every morning between 4:00-4:20AM.  I just want one night where I go to sleep and stay asleep until my alarm goes off.

I'm trying to keep the room nice and cool so the sweats won't tear me apart but it doesn't seem to matter.  I've thought about taking a sleep aid but I don't want to trade in one addiction for another.

Other than that, things are going well.  I had an interesting thought this morning while I was on my run.  Interesting to me, anyway.  In 2010 I ended an emotionally abusive relationship and I stayed single for close to seven years.  I was celibate for close to seven years.  The first couple of years were challenging because I'm a healthy woman with a healthy sex drive and I enjoyed sex.  My ex boyfriend was an asshole but the sex was pretty good.  Anyway, once I got used to not having sex I was fine with not having sex.  However, after seven years I felt like I was ready to get back to dating and having sex.

But something changed.  Sex wasn't what I remembered.  It wasn't exciting.  I mean, I was able to have orgasms and all that but I felt like there was something missing.  Sex was disappointing.  The effort that I have to put in to prepare for sex was not worth what I was receiving.  I don't know but I do know that I was not getting a proper return on my investment.  So, I'm back to celibacy.

What does this have to do with being sober?  Glad you asked.  I don't want to stay sober for seven years only to drink again because I think I can handle it only to find out, it just isn't what I thought it was.  I'm on Day 12 now and I don't ever want to be on Day 12 again.  I don't want to drink anymore.  I don't find it enjoyable.  It's money wasted.  It's time wasted.  I want to always remember that.

Okay, so I stopped eating meat 11 months ago.  I stopped having sex 7 months ago.  I stopped drinking alcohol 12 days ago.

What's next?