The Dinner Dilemma

I know how to cook for three people. What I don’t know how to do is cook for two people and make it feed three people.

Two weeks ago I made steaks for dinner. One for me and one for the Princess. I gave up a long time ago depending on the Prince to join us because he almost never does. Well, as luck would have it, he was in for the night and gave me the side-eye because I told him I only bought two steaks.

“Why did you only buy two steaks?” he asked

“Because you’re never here.”

We went back and forth on that issue for a while as he was trying to convince me that he’s been home a lot more lately.

Anyway, fast forward to last week when I bought three steaks.

He walks in the door and I let him know that I made him a steak and he proceeds to inform me that “he’s not really into red meat anymore”.

“Huh? Then why did you give me a hard time last week because I didn’t make you a steak?”

“That was last week. I’ve decided to lay off the red meat.”

To top it off, the Princess barely touched her dinner.

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked as I looked at her plate.

“Ma, you make steak every week and I’m growing tired of it.”

That was enough for me. I am so over trying to plan meals for those two. They can eat hot dogs and cereal for all I care.

I usually try to make a nice Sunday dinner. Last night I cooked with ME in mind: I sautéed onions, green pepper and asparagus in some olive oil; added some diced tomatoes and served it with chicken breast. It was delicious. He wasn’t home and she took a chicken breast and fried it for herself.

Everyone was happy. Especially me.

Spoiled?

Recent conversation at the Kingdom:

Queen (to the Princess): You are so spoiled.

Princess: I'm not spoiled. It's just that you've made me very comfortable.

I had no response.

Someone on FB had posted something similar stating that our need to want our children to have it better than we did has somehow given them a sense of unrealistic entitlement.

Just something to think about.

Two o_O Moments

I arrived home last night at around 10:00 pm. The meeting went well and I was feeling pretty good about going.

I walked in the house and no one is on the first floor but I hear music coming from upstairs. I go into the kitchen and its ... clean!! o_O The Princess was making quesadillas before I left and I expected to see a mess when I got home.

I went upstairs and gave her a hug and thanked her for cleaning up after herself.

My son's door was closed and it was awfully quiet in there. I didn't hear the familiar sounds of Call of Duty. I knocked and asked what he was doing. He said, "Studying." o_O

Wow. 10:00 pm on Friday night and my 20-year old son is in his room studying.

All is good in the Kingdom.

Mother Always Knows Best

Since there is no school today or tomorrow, my daughter asked to go to a birthday party last night. Her first mistake was asking me as soon as I walked in the door and hadn’t taken my shoes off yet. I immediately said “no”. I need a few moments to get in the door and decompress before people start asking for things. The next day she texted me the flyer which advertised the party, she called me “Mommy” and asked again if she could go. Kids are so slick. So I started asking questions:

This is a night club. Why would I allow my 16-year old daughter to go to a party at a bar? It’s a teenaged girl’s party. The bar will be closed mom. From what time to what time? 7-11. Transpo? _______’s parents. How old is the girl that is having the party? She’s 16.

I tried to find the place online but they didn’t even have a website. I looked at the address and I was not comfortable. I remember my sister telling me about the place and saying that she and her husband go there pretty often because the drinks are so cheap. It’s a place for grown folks not teenaged girls.

When I got home from work yesterday, my daughter was in the shower, because in her mind even though I didn’t say “yes”, I didn’t say “no” either. I changed my clothes and went to the gym. After an hour I came home, checked out her outfit (jeans and a t-shirt with a big sweater) and I took a shower and washed my hair. Her ride came to get her at about 7:20 while I was under the dryer.

I had dinner, read my book, finished my hair and retired to the second floor. I was soon dozing while watching Dog the Bounty Hunter (don’t judge me). After a while the sound of my vibrating phone woke me up. It was my older brother. We were discussing our plans to go up north to see my father who’s been sick lately. Toward the end of the conversation I heard my daughter’s laughter. WTH?

I got off the phone and went to her bedroom and opened the door. There she was, in the bed, talking on the phone. Huh?

She proceeded to tell me the story of the evening:

The girls arrived at the party spot to find a long line forming outside the club. The management wasn’t letting anybody in. Supposedly, the party was free until 8:00, yet they didn’t appear to be letting anybody in until 8:00. (First of all, since when is there a cover charge for a 16-year old’s birthday party?) At 8:00 there were rumblings in the line that there was a $5 cover, then it jumped to $15, then it jumped again to $20. (Secondly, I know my child didn’t have $20 on her and even if she did, she wasn’t going to use it to get into this party. She’s very cheap). Then the line starts moving and they let in the first 10 girls and nobody else. The commotion outside this club was apparently too much for the neighboring business owners and the police were called. At this point, my daughter’s friend called her father and asked him to come pick them up. My daughter was brought home safe and sound.

At the end of the story, I said to my daughter, Now if I would’ve stood my ground and not let you go, I would have been the bad guy, right? Probably, but I still love you. Good night.

Is this how 16-year olds celebrate their birthdays now? At clubs? Who the heck is the mama in charge of this nonsense? When my daughter turned 16, she and a group of her friends went to Uno’s for dinner. Dinner. Who is renting out bars for teenagers? Ugh!

Those Were the Days

So I’m on a college campus last night for my daughter’s step show.

They won, by the way.

Man, did it bring back memories. The Commons, the Greek flags … not a whole lot of things change on college campuses. Walking around on campus seeing all these young people with so much hope and expectation in their eyes gave me a good feeling. I can’t really explain it. My daughter and her friends were just so excited to even be in the presence of the students. Hoping one day that it will one day be them.

The room where the step show took place was filled with students and of course, us parents looked ridiculously out of place. But I didn’t care. I used to feel old being around young people. Last night I didn’t feel “old”. I felt “wise”. Not in a, “I’m so much smarter than you” kind of way. But I was admiring them for enjoying their lives. They were having so much fun. There was no foul language and no inappropriate behavior that I could see. Just young people being young people.

In between performances the speakers would blast music and everyone would get up and they’d be doing their thing. I had to literally hold on to my chair so I wouldn’t get up and join them. There was a Dougie contest and I wanted to get on stage so someone could Teach Me How to Dougie (teach me, teach me how to Dougie). My daughter would have been mortified so I sat in my seat and just smiled.

I said all that to say this: seeing our kids in college and not out acting a fool made me smile. It gave me hope.

My Other Job

Did I ever you tell you about my other job? Yeah, I have another job as a chauffer.


It's awesome.


I was on duty full-time today.


Of course, I had to get up at 5:00 am in order to get a workout in before my official shift started. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to fit it in at all. Here's what my day looked like:


5:30 am - leave for the gym


6:30 am - return home


7:30 am - leave home to take the Princess to the DMV so she could take her test for her learner's permit. She passed!!!!!!


10:00 am - drive her home from the DMV


10:45 am - drive her to a fund raising event for her step team


I had some personal errands of my own to run so I went to the bookstore to pick up Terry McMillan's latest and the O bookclub pick. I also ran into Tarjay to get some shower curtain liners.


1:45 pm - pick her up from the fund raising event


2:20 pm - take her to the mall so she could buy a new outfit for later that evening.


3:00 pm - get into an argument with her about said outfit and leave her and go to Sephora for some of my own retail therapy.


4:15 pm - leave the mall and head back to the house


5:45 pm - leave the house to pick up one of her friends that will be joining her for dinner.


6:00 pm - take her and the friend to the restaurant where she will be celebrating her birthday and getting her permit with more of her friends.


6:30 pm - return home, prepare the spaghetti alla puttenesca and open the bottle of red wine and plan to enjoy the rest of the evening secure in the knowledge that I won't have to leave the house again because the princess is spending the night at her girlfriend's house.


7:45 pm - get a text from the Princess requesting a ride after the movie because her girlfriend's mother bailed.


I am so happy she passed her test today and got her learner's permit. That means that in about nine months I'll be able to hang up my chauffer's cap.

Labor Day

It was a perfect day.

I woke up early and got myself to the gym by 7:00. I walked/ran on the treadmill for 45 minutes and burned about 475 calories. I left the gym feeling really good. Because I was feeling so good and in celebration of my WLC progress I bought myself the above bouquet.

My daughter had an appointment at the salon so she could get her back to school 'do. She looks so pretty. I'd post the pic but I don't think she'd want me to. You'll just have to take my word for it.

I took her to lunch and since she'll be celebrating her 16th birthday in about a week we had an interesting discussion about dating. Seems she's not completely comfortable with going on a one-on-one date with a boy. She'd prefer to do the "group thing".

Hear that? That was a deep sigh of relief. There is one boy, however, that she's fond of and I'm fond of but his family may be moving away. In light of that, they've decided to keep things on a friend level. She did happen to mention that they've shared a kiss. "On the lips? For a long time? With tongue?" Those were my questions. "Yes, no and no!" were her answers. Hmmmm.

After lunch we came home and relaxed for the rest of the day. Her father called and asked if he could stop by for a few minutes. He said he woke up missing her. I can understand that. If I couldn't wake up everyday and see her face, I'd miss her too.

We Ain't Friends

**we definitely need an updated photo of the three of us. This was taken two years ago.

We’re family and I am the head of this family.

I am far from being the perfect parent so I am not about to bash anyone else’s parenting style but I cannot find the added value in becoming your child’s friend. They have enough friends.

The relationship that my children have with their friends is necessary and unique. They need people to share their secrets with. They need someone to send thousands of texts to on a daily basis. They need peers to cosign when they are doing something stupid. They need a shoulder to cry on when that something stupid blows up in their faces. That’s what friends are for.

The relationship that my children have with me is also necessary and unique. They need me to guide them. They need me to set boundaries. They need me to reinforce the rules. They need me to encourage and love them no matter what stupid thing they’ve done. They also need me to buy the food, pay the tuition and tell them when the television is too loud at 1:00 am.

My kids are awesome people. I’m tearing up just thinking about them. They mean everything to me. They are the reason that I breathe. I work hard because of them. I do things “the right way” because I want to set a good example. I am their first teacher and they look to me for the answers.

I am the mother. Not the friend.

We do things that friends do. We hang out together at restaurants and movies. We shop together. We have movie nights at the house together. We’ve cleaned the backyard together. And most of these activities are not initiated by me. They seem to actually enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. It’s a pretty cool balance actually.

But there is no mistaking, who is running this kingdom. I know it and more importantly, they know it. They respect me and my authority and neither one of them crosses the line. They may test the boundaries but I always let them know if they are dangerously close to getting knocked the hell out. Figuratively, of course. In my opinion, it’s dangerous when parents try so desperately to be a friend instead of a parent. Boundaries get clouded and I’ve seen children speak to their parents any kinda way because of it. The one thing I cannot tolerate is a disrespectful child.

So yeah, I love my kids but we ain’t friends.

16 and Preg.na.nt

“You should watch 16 and Preg.na.nt with me,” said my 15-year old daughter as we finished up dinner last night. Since she very rarely wants to do anything with me, I agreed.

Have you seen this show? My first instinct was to hate it. Because it shows just how stupid our girls still are. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Having unprotected sex with boys who aren’t even worthy to speak to them let alone see them naked. It was infuriating. This particular little girl, Valerie, was Black and was adopted by white parents into a family of eleven kids. Valerie felt invisible and became visible in the arms of Matt. Matt is an idiot. A straight –up Ke.vin Fed.erli.ne wanna-be with less talent (is that even possible?). Matt doesn’t want anything to do with Valerie anymore and told her that the only time she should be calling him is if it had to do with the baby. Meanwhile, he’s telling his homeboy that he has to get a paternity test. His homeboy said, “I know right, definitely get that fraternity test.”

**dead**


My face was frowned up during the entire show and I tried not to make too many comments. There was one moment when Valerie and her mother were having a disagreement and Valerie stormed out of the room and said, “You aren’t listening!” I leaned over to my daughter and said, “That would never happen in this house, dear. Because I would snatch you by the back of your head and make you sit down and finish the conversation.”

“I know,” she said.

After showing the delivery and how Matt "really came through" by showing up (gag me), they went on to depict how difficult life is for Valerie. She can’t go out with her friends, she has to be homeschooled because she can’t afford daycare. The “love of her life” doesn’t want anything to do with her. In a nutshell, having a baby at 15 isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Did my daughter get that message? Or is she sitting there thinking: “It would be different for me because I’m not that stupid.” She tells me she gets it, but I know that her modus operandi is to tell me exactly what (she thinks) I want to hear.

I did the same thing as a teenager. Actually, I never told my mother anything at all. I was no angel by any stretch of the imagination but I knew that bringing babies into my mother's house was not a smart move. I don't know ... it just seems to me that today's teenagers have this ridiculous sense of entitlement and no sense of consequences. I mean, how you gonna lay down with somebody, with no birth control and you don't have a job? And I don't want to hear about the heat of the moment and hormones and blah blah blah.

Easy for me to say at 45, I guess. But even at 15 I was afraid of the consequences associated with being a teenaged mother.

A New Day

For years I have been fretting over what to do when my nest is empty. Why did I start fretting so early? Because I didn’t want to be caught off-guard in an empty house and not know what to do. I’m a planner, so sue me. I know that at 19 and 15 they ain’t going nowhere no time soon, however, they each make their own little declarations of independence which remind me that things have definitely changed. When my daughter left me on Christmas I was devastated. But that’s how it is, I guess. As the years pass we will spend fewer Christmases together. But that episode opened my eyes to something (and this may sound harsh): I have put many things in my life on hold because I want them to be comfortable yet my comfort doesn’t even seem to be on their radar. I know, I know … as the mother that’s my job … but enough is enough. And they are old enough to understand that … and if they aren’t … they have some growing up to do.

Quickie

Two shopping days left.

Am I wrong for being sad that my daughter wants to spend some of the Christmas holiday (which may include Christmas day) with her father and not me?

Every Christmas for 15 years we've been together and now my heart is kinda hurting.

The Day in Pictures

As expected, once I got started it was fun all over again. But I would not have gotten into the kitchen without my Princess helping me. Her own excitement and willingness to help me really encouraged me to do what I already love to do. And she got some lessons to boot!

She did the sweet potato pies.

She assisted with the macaroni and cheese.

She stuffed the mushrooms

She washed the greens.

She helped to make this Thanksgiving one of the happiest. I am so blessed.

Driving Lessons

She says she drives better than any of her friends. Well ... that's not really saying a whole lot. Anyway, she needs more practice on the turns but overall she's doing quite well.

Case of the Monday's

Did you see the picture of Jada on the cover of Shape magazine? OMG, talk about motivation. I heart her. Why is it that when I look down at my belly it looks fat but when I look in the mirror or take a picture of it, it looks really good? And why is the 45-degree angle view much more flattering than the side or front views? I’m obsessing.

I don’t know why but I was craving goat cheese this weekend. Is that weird, or what? While I was getting my facial on Saturday we were hit with what seemed like torrential downpours. It was tricky leaving the salon because their daggone parking lot was flooded so my feet got wet as I was going to the car. I was ready to go home after that because I hate wet feet but I still had this ridiculous craving for goat cheese. I almost get to my house and decide to keep driving to the grocery store. I picked up the goat cheese, cracked pepper water crackers and a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and went on home. Then I made myself a big salad with grilled chicken, sliced roma tomatoes with basil, my crackers with goat cheese, a glass of wine and I was in heaven.

I really want to punch my son. Thursday was his first day of the fall semester. His History class was at 1:30 and he called me afterward and just loved it. He was really excited. Today, he had an 8:00 English class and he overslept and missed it! Even though he set his alarm and I went into his room before I left the house and told his silly behind not to go back to sleep. I am not happy with him right now. He just sent me a text: Sorry mom. I promise it won’t happen again. And I will pass her class with an A. Her class ends at 9:15, so I didn’t want to show up late and class be halfway through, or be made an example out of. I’m sorry.

I have always had issues with “our” hair salons. So much so, that I don’t patronize them for myself anymore. I do my own hair and I’m quite fine with that. Unfortunately, I have a teenaged daughter and I can’t do her hair to her satisfaction … apparently teenaged girls have higher standards. So for the past three years or so I’ve been sending her to the salon down the street every two weeks. Every two weeks … plus a relaxer every six weeks ... think about those dollars for a minute. Anyway, lately her stylist has been acting kinda funky. I haven’t really paid it any mind until Saturday when I dropped off my child for her 10:00 appointment only to have her call me at 11:30 to let me know that she hadn’t even been shampooed yet and no one in the friggin’ shop even acknowledged her presence or apologized for the delay. I went to pick her up and trust and believe she will not be back! The owner wasn’t there on Saturday but I sent her an email letting her know that she just lost a long standing loyal customer. Customer service, people! Customer service! I found another place and made an appointment so she can get her back-to-school-do done. I explained to the new lady my frustrations regarding time management and hair care vs. hair styles, she assured me that her views differed significantly from the old place. We’ll see. We’ll see.

I’m working on a list of financial (where is all money?), physical (being healthy ain't all about the weight) and spiritual (are you there God? It's me, chele.) goals that I’ll implement on my 45th birthday. I’m an advocate of writing things down but I don’t always follow through. This time has to be different. There are things that I have to accomplish in order to be the person that I really want to be. I often wish I had this mind set when I was 25, but better late than never.

Bryan and I are going back to our beach house in a few weeks for the weekend. One last getaway before the end of the summer. I’m looking forward to it. Then we’re going back up to Virginia wine country in October.

I suppose I should get some real work done. I hope you all enjoy your week.

Merge

How do you successfully merge your life with someone else’s? Not just the merging of belongings but of habits, lifestyles, etc.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I know it’s not impossible. Surely, it can be done but when I think about it for too long it just seems like a huge undertaking.

For example:

Me
Morning person
Work a regular 9-5 with weekends free
Raising two teenagers
More laid back when it comes to household chores
Planner

Him
Night person
Self-employed, generally works afternoons, evenings and weekends
Never been married/No children
Rigid when it comes to doing things around the house
Spontaneous

My biggest concern is the fact that he has no idea what it is like to live with teenagers. He may be used to finding things exactly where he left them. Unfortunately, with kids in the house that is not always the case. (i.e., “Didn’t I just buy that box of Wheat Thins?”) I understand that there will be compromises to make but again, this just seems like a huge undertaking. I don’t want anyone to be inconvenienced … least of all my kids. They like how things are and they didn’t ask for their lives to be disrupted. Sometimes I think we’ve lasted almost six years because we don’t live together.

How do people make this work?

I Hate High School

It all started with an email that I received from the Algebra teacher which said that my daughter is a joy to teach BUT she can't seem to make it to class on time ... as in late 3 out of the last 4 classes, and she's having a problem turning in her homework. The teacher gave her a detention and my child skipped it. Why? I wasn't sure when it was.

I asked the teacher to please notify me if she ever has to give my child a detention and I'll make sure she gets there.

So the teacher sent a referral down to the vice principal who issued her an administrative detention. He called to let me know and he sounded all somber and apologetic. I thanked him for the call.

The administrative detention had to be rescheduled because the detention monitor (or whatever you call her) couldn't be there. My child had to serve the detention a week later.

After the detention was served I come home to find out that my child's phone has been confiscated by the detention monitor because she was using it during detention to arrange for a ride with her brother. She plead her case with me saying that "We're not allowed to use the phone during the instructional day. The rules don't say anything about using the phone during detention!"

She had a point.

I went to the school the next day (yesterday) and picked up the phone because of course it will not be returned to the student. So I had to take time out of my work day to travel to the high school to pick up the phone ... which I'm not so sure should have been taken in the first place.

First thing this morning, I get a call from the vice principal because he received another referral because my child was using her phone during detention. I asked him about the rule regarding the instructional day blah blah blah and he says that the detention monitor gave each student an opportunity at the beginning of detention to take out their phones to make pick up arrangements. He asked my child why she didn't do it then. You know what she said to the vice principal?

"Oh ... well ... I wasn't really listening in the beginning ..."

So the vice principal has given her an ISS (in school suspension) for one day. Usually the penalty for the first offense of displaying a cell phone during the instructional day is a 3-4 day ISS. So I guess she got off easy.

I am pissed. Beyond pissed. Couple all of this with what I saw on Monday's progress report and she is hanging by a very thin thread. Her only saving grace is that he called me first thing in the damn morning because by the time I see her narrow behind I won't feel like choking her.

I hate high school.

The Dumbest Text Ever!

I didn't want to put the Princess on blast but I have to:

Hey mom i have no service so im jus gonna send a text. but i jus wanted to check in wit you. I love you and I will try to call you later. bye 8/16/08 8:53 PM

I love my baby but she really thinks I'm an idiot. How're you sending a text with no service, sistah?

This message came to me on Saturday night. And it revolves around the fact my daughter is resistant to communicate when we are not in each other's presence. She spent the weekend up north with her daddy, she left on Friday and came back on Monday. Because she's not away from me that often I feel better when she calls me if she's away for a few days. She refuses. So to pacify me, she sent this idiotic text.

I responded with "Ok".

The logical side of me says: Loosen the leash! You can't even remember the last time you called your Mama!

The emotional side of me says: Whatever. I'm in my forties and haven't lived with my mama in almost 25 years. K wakes up in my house every daggone day! She could pick up a phone."

When she got home on Monday she gave me a hug and said she missed me. I could have ripped her a new one but chose not to.